Boston Red Sox Employees Report: Manny “Not Being Manny”

BOSTON, MA - Several clubhouse employees at Fenway Park have recently reported that Red Sox OF Manny Ramirez simply “hasn’t been Manny” since the start of the season.

“Manny being Manny” is a catchphrase developed by Manny Ramirez himself. Normal Manny is an elusive and mysterious character, akin to the Great Gatsby. In his free time, Normal Manny does not donate to charities, nor does he regard senior citizens crossing the street.

Fenway scoreboard operator Jeff Umsberg recounts several incidences over the past days that are uncharacteristic of Manny Ramirez’s normal lazy demeanor. “Several of us have noticed he’s been running at full speed for fly balls. I mean, who does this guy think he is? Not Manny?” This year, scoreboard operators in Fenway have yet to receive the customary 7th inning “urination visit” by Mr. Ramirez.

Teammate JD Drew, a player known for his own brand of laziness (injury and a nonchalant personality) tells ChatterBalks that Ramirez has “outhustled, outworked, and outassholed” him every practice and nearly every game. “Now I guess I’ll have to start picking up Manny’s lazy slack,” reports Drew. “It’s almost like everyone, well except for me, is trying really hard on this team. I want Normal Manny back!”

Even the city of Boston has taken notice of Mr. Ramirez’s likable personality. Richard Karms is a bellhop at the Ritz-Carlton in Boston, where Normal Manny has been living during his tenure for the Red Sox. Mr. Karms reports that Mr. Ramirez has given several large tips (reportedly over $5), and has even stopped bringing by his prearranged “Dominican hooker buffet” to his suite.

For the time being, the Red Sox will continue to start Manny despite consistent production, focused determination, and a “team first” attitude.

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