Only Five-Year-Olds Allowed at Arsenal (Satire)

(Photo by Phil Cole/Getty Images)

Arsenal today ushered in a bold new youth policy: "From here on out," Arsene Wenger announced, "I will only buy players who are five-years-old or younger."

Amidst a collective gasp arising from the group of journalists gathered at his press conference, Wenger confidently carried on.

"Real Madrid and Barcelona keep wanting to buy my players when they are 21 or 22. Under our old policy, where I only bought 17-year-olds, that meant they were only at Arsenal for four to five years."

"Now, I can finally assure fans that Arsenal players will be here for a good 15 years or more!"

Ivan Gazidis was also in a bullish mood, and full of praise for his manager.

"What a visionary he is!" Gazidis gushed. "He truly knows what planning for the long-term means. And given that we have a mountain of debt to pay back over the next 100 years, Arsene's new policy puts us on an extremely sound financial footing."

"Why, we can now even afford to provide the players with up to three meals a day!"

Wenger was clear that he knew the pitfalls his new policy might bring.

"We cannot always be certain about the potential of a player when he is five-years-old. But at least we can ensure that they do not pick up any bad habits, like learning how to play defence."

"Furthermore, we can assure their parents that we will provide them with the best accommodation possible. We still have a ton of unsold Highbury flats we can use."

To wrap up the press conference, Wenger could not resist yet another dig at his old rival, Sir Alex Ferguson.

"I am in the market for a Chief Nanny now. Perhaps Sir Alex will apply. After all, he knows how to take care of a team of cry-babies!"

You're currently logged into Facebook

Do you want to share your Bleacher Report activity on Facebook?