Unsurprising Opening Day Performances

Picture: The only positive moment in Kerry Wood's Career 

Kerry Wood (1.0 Innings Pitched, 1 K, 1 BB, 3 ER)

I got a good hearty laugh when he was drafted in my fantasy leagues. The drafter responded with, “You’ll be eating your words at the end of the season.” Problem is, they say that every year.

I don’t know which gives me more of a sick sense of satisfaction: Kerry Wood obviously going to blow for the season (Read: Career) or the Cubs obviously not going to make the playoffs.

You know it’s a bad year when Craig Counsell can score a GW run on you.

Eric Gagne (Identical to Wood except one more hit and 1 HR)

Which brings me to the other side of the coin. It’s like Kerry Wood’s doppelganger except at least Gagne was good for more than one season.

If I could sum up the “battle” these two had in the ninth inning with one word it would have to be “underwhelming” or “hilarious.”

Billy Butler (.200, 0 R, 0 RBI, 0 HR)

Stop trying to cram this giant 240 pound Christmas ham down my throat Yahoo! Sports. Pointing to the fact that Butler is the best offensive player on the Royals is like saying this has been a "successful" year in Iraq.

Get used to the Andruw-Jones-like stats and hope he hits a HR with someone on base (which will almost never happen in Kansas City).

Chipper Jones (.333, 1 R, 3 RBI)

You’d think his aging would lower his playing ability at least a notch, but old father time always seems to be above 300. Expect the Sean Connery of baseball to hit well, get injured for a month, and then resume hitting like an All-Star.

Johan Santana (7.0 Innings, W, 8 K, 2.57 ERA, 0.71 WHIP)

Who knew pure excellence could be such a mediocre outing for Santana? If he doesn’t get at least double-digit strike outs, it seems like he wasn’t successful.

Going to the NL is like being assigned to double-A for Johan. Except he gets paid more than any other pitcher and inflates his stats from monster to godly.

- Chatter Balks