Okay folks, are you ready for the, "Yes, we are actually talking about this" story of the day?
Of course you are. In last night's booty-shaking-but-no-lip-syncing Super Bowl halftime extravaganza featuring Beyonce, Destiny's Child and that random person playing guitar brought to you by Pepsi, Beyonce was seen making the symbol of a triangle with her hands.
To some folks, this was the clear, definitive proof that Beyonce was in fact a member of the Illuminati, and yes, the Illuminati is shaping your life as we speak. Seriously, they dictated that sentence to me and I copied it, verbatim.
Plus, I tried to make about seven Illuminati jokes in this article and my computer froze every time. You've all been warned.
According to legend, the Illuminati are a tiny, super-secret cabal of influential individuals who have shaped the course of world events. So it makes perfect sense that Beyonce would flash their triangle sign to one of the largest viewing audiences in human history. What better way to preserve a secret? That's a definite possibility. Also a possibility? That she was showing some love to her husband Jay-Z's Roc-A-Fella Records, which uses the diamond as its symbol. (Here's a bunch of celebs doing the same thing.) But then again, maybe Roc-A-Fella is in on it too. It's all connected!
So is Beyonce secretly controlling world events? Was she purposefully behind the blackout in some sort of message to the world? Are you reading any of this as an actual possibility?
Because if you are, you should probably stop watching Oliver Stone's JFK every morning while you eat breakfast.
See, it just so happens that Jay-Z makes the same hand gesture quite often on stage, as Busbee notes. And if you listen to the portion of the song that is being sung as Beyonce makes the gesture, the lyrics are "The rock I'm rockin', I've bought it."
That sure seems like a triangle gesture as it relates to Jay-Z, who would be the logical person to put a rock on her finger. Yes, I'm explicating hip-hop lyrics now.
But Busbee is probably right—Roc-A-Fella and the Illuminati are probably in league together. The Illuminati obviously launders all of the funds it gains from gaming the stock market and its interstellar trade with the Daleks through all of the records Jay-Z sells.
Why nobody thought of this before is beyond me.
This is the most Internet-friendly story I've ever encountered. Beyonce makes a hand gesture during a Super Bowl performance and suddenly she's a member of the Illuminati. I love you, Interwebs. You make all of the connections people used to miss while they were living life and working and stuff.
On tomorrow's episode, we'll break down whether or not Alicia Keys is in fact a reincarnated version of Francis Scott Key, which is why she felt compelled to add a final section to the National Anthem. You won't want to miss it!