Welcome back to the Bluths Explain Football, a completely unnecessary series in which the cast of Arrested Development gives you insight into the AFC South.
The Bluths have been on hiatus during the regular season because there were actual games to discuss, but now they have returned with a vengeance.
Today's episode is "Altar Egos." Let's see what it can teach us about the Indianapolis Colts' 2012 season.
The government offers George Sr. a plea deal, but no one in the family has time to read it. Michael has a one-night stand with a blind woman who turns out to be the prosecutor and who isn't actually blind.
Gob gets married on a dare with a woman who sells seals. George Michael discovers Maebe has been pretending to be her own rather ill twin.
I see the problem right away. You got all the answers wrong.
When it comes to the test that was the 2012 Colts, everyone in the media got all the answers wrong. As it turned out, the remarkable combination of an ailing coach, a fantastic rookie and an easy schedule spring-boarded the Colts to a playoff spot.
While Pete Prisco had the Colts at 1-15, most in the media, myself included, pegged the Colts for five wins.
While it's true the team dramatically overachieved, the fact is they were legitimately better than anyone thought. Even if they had hit their Pythagorean win number on the mark, they would have still won seven games.
That in and of itself would have been an incredible year.
There was some talk of ice cream, though not exactly on my terms.
This goes out to Bruce Arians, who was rewarded for a possible Coach of the Year effort with his own head coaching gig.
The only problem is that it's in Arizona. While the weather is great for golf, it's hardly the ideal situation Arians alluded to when he talked about a top job. He landed in a franchise with one of the worst owners in sports and no quarterback.
I took a blind woman home with no intention of dating her again? Please!
The Colts inexplicably paid $14 million for five sacks from Dwight Freeney. No matter how they try and spin his pressure numbers, Freeney didn't play well.
That was partially due to an ankle injury suffered in the season opener. Freeney played better down the stretch, but he came nowhere close to earning his pay check.
Given that the Colts expressed no interest in bringing him back next year, their decision to keep him remains one of the most inexplicable moves of the year.
I don't know what you mean. I can't imagine what that means.
What is the meaning of Andrew Luck?
I'm not sure we can even fully imagine yet. Luck really does have the chance to be the best quarterback of his generation, and it looks like his generation could change the way football is played for the next 20 years.
That may sound ridiculous, but Luck certainly has the aura of someone really special. Having seen it up close before, more than a few Indianapolis fans have taken note of the Manning-esque hold he's already demonstrated over the franchise.
A self-choking for the ages!
The Colts went an incredible 9-1 in one-score games, but it's hard for fans to forget the one that got away.
How in the name of Doug Flutie does a team allow Blaine Gabbert to complete an 80-yard pass to win a ball game?
The Colts' loss to the Jaguars would not have been enough to flip the division title all by itself, but it certainly stung at the time.
Of course, the flip side of this was Luck's spectacular win over the Lions. These things have a way of evening out.
Don't worry sweetie, no one is fighting over you!
Donnie Avery is going to be a free agent, but it's highly unlikely he'll have a string of suitors.
Avery was among the worst regular receivers in football in 2012, almost single-highhandedly killing the Indianapolis offense with his inability to get open and his constant drops.
The Colts should take a big jump forward on offense in 2013 simply by letting Avery go somewhere else.
Is that a shot at me? Because that makes me want to read it all the less.
Chuck Pagano is in an odd situation. On one hand, he's completely bullet-proof right now. Anyone who says anything even remotely critical of him ends up looking like a jerk.
How can anyone question the incredible story of his cancer recovery, and the obvious impact he had on the team?
On the other hand, Arians was responsible for most of the wins the Colts put up.
It will be interesting to see what the talk about Pagano is at this time next year. If the Colts experience any regression, whispers could form about just how effective Pagano really is. After all, his personal record as a head coach is now 2-3 including the playoffs.
We've always known Pagano could teach and motivate. Beyond that, no one has any idea.
We're having a little bit of a cash-flow problem.
Ryan Grigson's cap maneuvers were a thing of beauty. While it's easy to find fault with the Freeney decision, it really is a quibble. Grigson did everything possible to set the Colts up for a run in 2013. Of course, they started running a bit earlier than anyone expected, but that doesn't change the original plan.
All the dead money really hurt the Colts' ability to field quality players at many positions, but the upside was that it's all cleared off the books, giving them ample cap space moving forward.
One person laughed at that once, and I don't know why I keep trying it.
This goes out to me, for writing this series.
You don't have to do that anymore, because I'm going to start laughing out loud.
This goes out to you for reading it.
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