Choke Artist vs.Clutch: The St. Patrick's Day Version

David AllanCorrespondent IMarch 17, 2009

Sometime around 11:00 p.m., where ever you live, Fuglys and Cougars are going to gain an average of two to three points on the typical how hot is he or she on scale of one to ten.


I mean let’s be fair there are plenty of us that will file into a fine establishment this evening to knock back a few or few too many tasty beverages to celebrate the fact that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. (Or at least that’s the reason I am doing it.)


I mean why else could you possibly be shuffling out of the house on a Tuesday night, only to wake up with a ringing in your head that only three Extra Strength Tylenols, Two Gatorades and a Pale of Coffee can cure?


Oh yeah, that’s right because in those three hours between 11pm and 2am we’ll see the dating equivalent of the bottom of the ninth. Most of you are going to take your chance at the plate.


I know what you’re saying; I could do this any Saturday night I want. You’re right, but all those Saturday’s are like the regular season.


They don’t count.


They are all prep work, pre-season, practice for the one that matters.


Somebody has to take the shot with the clock winding down and what I've learned in life? I believe Gene Hackman said it best in the replacements: “Winners want the Ball!”


Now what does picking up the cutie in the tight green t-shirt and jeans have to do with sports?


Well let's take a look. It is my contention that your ability to be clutch, to come through when it matters most, to shine through in this situation is completely affected by your ability to "pick up". I am probably never going to get to stand at the dish at Fenway Park trailing in the bottom of the ninth with the bases loaded. (When I say probably, I mean never.)


All that being said, it my assertion that the same confidence, the same self-assuredness that it takes to drive the 2-2 count off the wall for a bases-clearing double, or calm a player into drilling a game winning three, will come to the forefront tonight.  It'll come right around the time you make your way through "Hi my name is (fill in the blank) or How are you this evening?" 


And here is my proof.



Tom Brady, New England Patriot Quarterback, four Super Bowl Wins


Mr. Clutch in New England. The 2007 AP Athlete of the Year and 2007 NFL MVP, has the regular season touchdown record. Brady made his way into four Super Bowls where he is 3-1 and in the fourth he managed to give his team a lead with moments left on the clock.


Unfortunately. Brady can’t play on defense or the Pats may have a fourth.  Now we look at what he has done in his private life since coming to the NFL.


Sure the list is short, but it’s solid: Tara Reid, the "American Pie" wild child, the Actress, Model and Stunner Bridget Moynihan is his baby mama, and he just married the highest paid model in the world, the Brazilian Bomb Shell known as Giselle Bundchen.  CLUTCH!




Tiger Woods, Pro Golfer, 14 PGA Major Victories


We can agree Woods is as clutch as they come right? He’s got 14 majors, he is the four time AP Sportsman of the Year and twice dug down to extend his latest US Open win on a torn knee.


Oh and is Tiger as smooth with the ladies as he is with clutch on the golf course? It certainly looks like that is the case. He started out solidly with attorney and cutie Joanna Jagoda, But Tiger's greatest off-field achievement was that he took a sleeper and turned her in to a goddess.  This Jared Mayo-type draft pick made Elin Nordegren, with name and body to remember, Tiger once again shocked the world. CLUTCH!




Sergio Garcia, Pro Golfer, Choker


While Tiger is managing a stunner like Elin, we have Sergio Garcia dating Morgan-Leigh Norman. That’s right the guy that coughed up the 2007 British Open with a Sunday lead is dating the daughter of the guy that coughed up every major but the British Open on Sundays.


Not only is Sergio dating a Norman’s daughter, who looks like every other girl you see walking down the street, he has managed to catch a cause of the choke from her father. Sergio most certainly has not been clutch and his work with the ladies shows that despite his Spanish playboy facade that his game is weak both on and off the greens. CHOKER!




Josh Beckett, Boston Red Sox Starting Pitcher,  2003 World Series MVP


Back to clutch, lets talk Josh Beckett, you know the wonderkid that in 2003 went into Yankee Stadium and stomped out the Bronx Bombers at the tender age of 23.


In that series he started two of Florida’s 6 games, and went 1-1 with an ERA of 1.10 including a five hit, nine strikeout shut out in game six to clinch the world championship. He followed that up in 2007 with a post-season for the ages.


He went 30 innings striking out 35 while only giving up 2 walks and 19 hits. He gave up a grand total of four earned runs in four starts on his way to a 4–0 record.


In the post-season he is a lifetime 7-2 and both those loses came in 2003. Oh yeah and the Big Texan had both Danielle Peck and underwear model Leeann Tweeden on his arm.  CLUTCH!




Alex Rodriguez, 3rd Baseman,  Hall of Fame Choker


Which leads me to the inspiration for this article, I mean we’ve talked about all the other pluses and minuses in A-Rod’s game over the past few months. Now let’s talk about whether the dude has “game” or not.


To be fair we know he can play, but how about when it counts. I’d say no. Cynthia was the equivalent of winning three regular season MVP’s and he managed to screw that up.


Then he proved just like on the diamond, he couldn’t carry over the momentum to when it counts. He's worth $27 million a year and he couldn’t convert.


Instead he manages to pick up a Russian import in Toronto that dances at The Brass Rail and looks like she bench-presses cars in her spare time.


He then managed to match that act of futility on the field when he got only 41 hits vs. 38 strikeouts in 39 post season games. He then followed that up by dating Madonna at the age of 114 (editor's note: Madonna is 50). 


Come on! She looks more like Skeletor or Tom Petty and doesn’t look anything like the Material Girl that bedded Mark Messier 20 years ago. (For the record The Moose is considered on of the great winners of all time, he managed to score a young Madonna and Captain of six Stanley Cups, two Hart’s, two Conn Smyth’s, and 295 points in 236 playoff games. The Messiah brought Broadway its first cup in 54 years.)


Derek Jeter, Shortstop, 4-Time World Series Champion, Hall of Fame Clutch


Derek Jeter is Mr. November. He's also been with his share of Ms. March, April, June and Septembers When it counts he bats .309 in 495 career trips to the plate and is wearing four World Series rings.


Oh yeah and his little black book looks like the Maxim Hot 100 list. He has been seen out with Mariah Carey, Jessica Alba, Vanessa Minnillo, Jordana Brewster, former Miss Universe Lara Dutta and Jessica Biel. CLUTCH!


All I can say is if my theory is correct. (And it’s clearly a flawless theory. I mean I did write this while in a lab with a white coat on.) Than based on my current better half, I’m a lock for an extra base hit in the bottom of the ninth on a cool October night at Fenway or a double eagle on the 18th at Pebble Beach in the US Open.


So as the evening draws near and the booze starts to flow which are you? Jeter or Arod? Tiger or Sergio? Clutch or Choke Artist? You decide.


Happy St. Patrick’s Day!


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