Mel Kiper Hates Jay Cutler

LaddCorrespondent IMarch 10, 2009

Mel Kiper continued his quest to ruin Jay Cutler’s life today. There comes a time when you cross the line from delusional to a-hole, and I think he crossed it. But oh no, not me. I will never toe that line.

This is from ESPN’s Tuesday with Mel Kiper Jr.:

Kiper says that Matt Cassel would have been an “upgrade” over Cutler and that Cutler is, to put it mildly, overrated.

“[Cutler] throws one pass, he’s a Hall of Famer,” Kiper says. “I’ve seen the media put him in the Hall of Fame. I had to run to the bathroom quick. It was making me ill. I’ve been hearing this overhype. I’ve been saying he’s overrated since day one. Everyone’s been pounding their chests saying, ‘Oh, I love Jay Cutler, I’m a genius.’ They have egg on their face now. Yeah, he’s got a strong arm, but my daughter knew he had a strong arm. She could’ve written that report.”

Let’s start with werewolves, because Mel looks like one. And attacking someone’s looks makes their argument weaker, which is why I do that.

What’s that crap on top of his head? I think he was born a wookie and had the hair on everything but the top of his head surgically removed.

Good, now that I did that, his argument is almost dead. There’s not much left to do. Let’s move to that part about Cassel being an upgrade over Cutler. Because that’s BS. Cassel is unproven and can’t throw a 10-yard out. Cutler can make all the throws, even the bad ones. And the really bad ones.

Which he only does because he is immature. But he will grow up eventually. He’s like a gorgeous red tomato that has been trapped in a bag for too long (read: sheltered hot chick who daddy protected until she went to college). Once it’s free, it’s party time.

And let’s discuss Mel’s daughter. Because he says she could’ve written a report on Cutler’s strong arm. That’s true actually. Nothing to say here. Because she did, in fact, write a report on my strong leg. You know, the third one that hangs between the other two. Woop!

And there you have it. Mel Kiper is off his rocker and should be subjected to some Singaporean form of legalized corporal punishment, such as caning. And then he should be belted. And hair dragged.

Original image via Hadleys Place