George Lucas to Purchase the Golden State Warriors
In a surprise move, cinema mogul and bay area resident, George Lucas, has brokered a deal in principle to purchase Chris Cohan's portion of the Golden State Warriors franchise.
Said Lucas as he exited Yoshi's after meeting with current owner, Chris Cohan, team president, Robert Rowell, and at least one of the other owners, "The economy is bad, but now is the time to expand into new markets, bite the bullet, and position yourself to get a bigger piece of the pie when the economy bounces back."
Lucas also added, "The fans have proven their ability to support the market during hard times. Together we'll bring a championship to the Bay. Wait till you see the new mascot..."
He smiled broadly as the car door swung shut.
Speculation has run rampant in the wake of the impromptu comments made outside of the popular Oakland restaurant.
With no further ado I present to you the cast of characters in "Star Warriors."
Emperor Palpatine: Played by no other than Chris Cohan himself. Reclusive. Evil. Never underestimate the power of the dark side. Or a malicious lawsuit.
Darth Vader: Swiftly and efficiently slaughtering the dreams of little children (the best part of Star Wars parts I-III) is what clinched the role for Robert Rowell.
Jabba the Hutt: Played by the Don Nelson (the Hutt). Babbling incoherently, being imperious, indiscriminate punishment, and lust for power are all attributes that made Nelson a lock for this role.
Luke Skywalker: Monta Ellis gets this role for being the strongest with the force, but not being prepared or properly trained to yield such power.
Obi Wan: This role naturally goes to Rick Barry. He has been politely shunned by the franchise despite his expressed desire to help restore them to prominence. Help us Rick Barry! You're our only hope!
Han Solo: On the run from the Man while wheeling and dealing left and right. Who other than the estranged Chris Mullin?
Chewbacca: Loud, animated and misunderstood. If you thought I was going to suggest Stephen Jackson, you are correct.
R2D2 and C-3PO: Played by Rob Kurz and Jermario Davidson respectively. The are always bumping into stuff, and never get to play with blasters.
Yoda: This one is tough, but Keith Smart is the most in tune with the players. So show them the way.
Princess Leia: Since Jessica Alba left for LA with Baron we'll have to settle for Anthony Randolph. He's got the attitude. All he needs is the hair.
So what role do the fans play? Well they are some mix of Storm Troopers (mindless hype regurgitaters who couldn't hit the white side of a urinal) and the citizens of Alderaan (who never saw it coming).
Either way they are both mercilessly sacrificed in the battle between the Light Side and Dark Side. Only the epic halftime performances will tell how us how this drama plays out.
Oh yeah, there is one last thing I should have included from the get-go:
A long time ago in a galaxy far away...
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