Spain Vs. England: It Was Class Warfare

Spain are No. 1 on the FIFA world rankings, England are No. 8. As there are 201 football nations on the list, that puts England in the top five percent, but you would never have known that from the way Spain completely out-classed us on Wednesday 11th February.

They were the languid aristocrats, we were the oafish peasants. While their skillful rapier thrusts destroyed us, we could only swipe at the air with a cudgel. When they danced through our defence we stood and gawped, with a thread of spittle hanging from our slack jaws.

On occasion, Spain slowed the game to a walking pace, just passing the ball around between them. Our brave boys knew exactly what to do about that, they ran after the ball. They ran and they ran and they ran.

Sean Wright-Phillips, God bless him, was willing to run until his heart burst. Unfortunately, FIFA rules do not provide any points for charging around in manic fashion, and when Sean reached Spain's penalty box he could only throw himself to the ground or be otherwise dispossessed by an opponent with more craft.

I have never understood what Ashley Cole is doing in the team. In fact, I am convinced his wife Cheryl could do better in an England shirt and would wear it with considerably more panache. Oh yes, that's my excuse for using England's sweetheart as my title photo.

David James, allegedly England's first-choice goalkeeper, did what he does; he fumbled the ball as if he feared it to be stuffed with unstable explosive.

Only David Beckham lightened the English soul. For the second half, we had one player who looked like he both wanted and deserved to be wearing an England shirt. Passing the ball with majesty and imperiousness, he was world-class.

The rest of the team were such nonentities I've forgotten who they were.

Ah, I hear you exclaim, it was only a friendly. Well now pilgrim, if you have ever played football, or snooker, or darts, or any game at all, you should know there is no such thing as a friendly. Your opponent is your enemy, and you must defeat him.

Summary: Spain 2, England 0. What ain't we got? We ain't got class.