The biggest hockey star in the world right now doesn't have a pulse and is actually a silver and nickel alloy trophy known as the Stanley Cup. This summer, it will party harder than you will in your entire life.
As the Los Angeles Kings take a parade route around the city, let me take you on a brief tour of where the Stanley Cup has been found boozing and schmoozing.
TMZ has some great pictures of the Cup drinking like a fiend at Beacher's Madhouse, located in the famous Roosevelt Hotel.
Rather, a bunch of fiends were drinking copious amounts of alcohol out of it.
By anyone's standards, that is some night.
I have some questions I fear will remain unanswered, particularly ones that feature a couple little people dressed as Oompa Loompas from the Willy Wonka universe and a well-endowed woman letting it all hang out.
The report states the Stanley Cup came to party with David Beckham, but had an impromptu meeting with Chuck Lidell, who made sure the Cup was filled with beer. Trevor Lewis, Jarret Stoll, Alex Martinez, Willie Mitchell and Jordan Nolan of the Kings were all in attendance to help the UFC legend put it down the hatch.
We can't forget about the Stanley Cup taking time out of its busy schedule to visit the Dodgers at Chavez Ravine.
Here is Rob Scuderi holding up the Cup for the Dodgers Stadium crowd.
Now the Cup just needs to hit an In-N-Out and sit in 405 traffic. Only then will its trip around L.A. be complete.
If you need me, I will be on the lookout for the Stanley Cup all summer. Apparently, there is a pretty good party that follows the grand trophy wherever it goes.