A Genetic Task Force: Building the Perfect College Quarterback

For the low, low price of $95 million, you can already be the proud parents of a perfect running back. This scientific and sporting breakthrough was first examined with the best runners in the country, and we helped build the ultimate ball carrier by taking unique physical traits and abilities from current college players and batching them into one delightful package.

Although your requests of “just take Herschel Walker” have been noted, it’s not the true point of the exercise. The genetic science only works with players who will still be playing for their school in 2012. Your requests have been noted, though. Translation: Just pay us more money and we'll talk. 

Now, however, we’re building the perfect quarterback and the Genetic Committee has returned. This prestigious group of football minds includes Nick Saban, Urban Meyer, Mack Brown and myself. No disparities there. Also, we’ve added Steve Spurrier to the panel for our second gathering because of his experience with the position. And because he wouldn’t stop texting us about being included, so Saban just gave in.

Because of the increased value of the position, we’ve upped the price of all QBs to $125 million or two for $200 million. Keep in mind that these players are guaranteed to avoid serious injury thanks to our “Bend but Don’t Break” ligament and bone technology. So, yeah, what a bargain! 

The Legs of Denard Robinson (Michigan)

This was the shortest discussion of the afternoon, and the committee agreed that Robinson was the only potential selection. Mack Brown threw out Taylor Martinez but was unable to keep a straight face throughout and nearly vomited on Nick Saban’s suit jacket shortly after.

Nearly 3,000 rushing yards in the past two seasons is an incredible number, and Robinson can pick up huge chunks of yards, whether it’s an orchestrated run or he’s improvising on the fly. He’s fast, obviously, but also incredibly athletic and could be impossible to stop if he a) stays healthy and b) improves his passing. For genetic purposes, however, he was an easy pick.

Urban Meyer was not pleased in selecting a Michigan player and wrote himself a reminder to have a dead animal placed in Brady Hoke’s sauna. A weekly tradition unlike any other.

The Strength of Logan Thomas (Virginia Tech)

Being able to throw the ball, run or move the pocket is one thing, but you also need a player who can extend plays simply because tackling him is a challenge. At 6’6” and 260 pounds, Thomas is that guy.

He’s not the most efficient runner (yet), but he’s a specimen and a great athlete to boot. If you were going to craft the ideal build for your future QB (which we are, of course), then he would be the mold. He's not a Jared Lorenzen-260, either. He's solid. 

This was more or less a consensus pick from the committee, despite the fact that Nick Saban and Steve Spurrier spent the first few minutes chanting “S-E-C.” Spurrier then forgot his train of thought and did slow-mo golf swings while others debated.

The Arm of Tyler Wilson (Arkansas)

This was a hotly-debated trait in the ol’ committee selection room (aka Steve Spurrier’s home bar which is built to look like a Gainesville tailgate), but the group finally agreed on Tyler Wilson.

After watching film from the Arkansas spring game, the group felt that Wilson’s shoulder could serve as the throwing foundation for this dream player. He’s got a big arm, he’s accurate and he has a simple yet effective throwing motion that NFL scouts are certainly excited about. Again, there are many talented tossers you could make a case for, but we were comfortable with our selection.

While this throwing showcase was being played, Nick Saban paced back and forth in the bar, uttering obscenities. He then began chanting “S-E-C” again to calm himself down.

The Heart of Collin Klein (Kansas State)

It’s not the prettiest game out there, which is why we selected him to be the heart and soul of our soon-to-be champion.

Klein had an under-appreciated, monster season in 2011, and a great deal of his success came on runs, broken plays, improvising and battling for extra yards. He’s a big man, and he uses his size to his advantage. There were also a handful of very close wins for K-State last year, and Klein was big in determining the positive outcomes (especially late) for his team.

Urban Meyer suggested the committee use Braxton Miller’s heart, which prompted a solid, “We need this heart to play in the postseason” joke from Steve Spurrier. Meyer was not amused. We were.

The Head of Matt Barkley (USC)

Another rather simple conversation from our established panel. Barkley’s name came up early on in conversation, and as much as it pained Urban Meyer to include Lane Kiffin’s golden child, even he agreed that there was no other option.

Barkley is smart, he’s experienced, he has played in a big market on big stages and he seems to make intelligent decisions on and off the field. He’s the Heisman favorite and likely No. 1 pick in next year’s draft for a reason, and you’d certainly feel comfortable with him under center.

Despite the fact that Steve Spurrier and Nick Saban wanted to chant “S-E-C” once again, they just couldn’t bring themselves do it because of the sheer quality of Matt Barkley’s brain. So, they prank-called Lane Kiffin instead; a popular group exercise throughout these meetings.