Kentucky Derby 2012: 25 Best "Arrested Development"-Themed Suggested Horse Names
With the 2012 running of the Kentucky Derby scheduled for Saturday at Churchill Downs, horse racing is returning with a bang to America's collective sports conscience.
But my favorite part of the Triple Crown season is not the beautiful equines' athletic grace. It's not their remarkable speed and dexterity as they soar through the 1 1/4 mile-long course. Nor is it the amazing pageantry and history surrounding an event now 137 years old.
It's the funny horse names that I love the most.
And with rides like "Daddy Nose Best," "Rousing Sermon" and "I'll Have Another" on the start list for this year's Run for the Roses, Saturday's race won't disappoint.
But rather than sticking with the wacky names with which we've already been blessed, it's become my annual duty to come up with even more fantastic horse name ideas.
Last year's Seinfeld-based monikers were a huge success, so why not use the other sitcom from which I draw the most regular daily sayings: the critically acclaimed (yet quickly cancelled) Arrested Development.
25. Bob Loblaw's Law Blog
Attorney-at-law Bob Loblaw, played by the inimitable Scott Baio, was a fan favorite on Arrested Development.
He may have been a terrible lawyer, but he wrote a well-renowned law blog, known, not surprisingly, as Bob Loblaw's Law Blog.
"Ah, yes. The 'Bob Loblaw Law Blog,'" Tobias Funke once said during a meeting. "You, sir, are a mouthful."
Whatever the case, it's a great name for a horse, and it would be amazing to see if announcers could ever say it correctly during the heat of a race.
24. Stair Car
For a long period of time, this Bluth Company stair car was the family members' only form of transportation.
It was used for everything from family trips and commuting to work to breaking inmates like George "Pop Pop" Bluth out of prison.
Also considered as a great (and related) horse name: "Hop-Ons," as in "Watch out for bridges and hop-ons. You're going to get some hop-ons."
23. The Cornballer
Making cornballs was a Bluth family tradition dating back to the '70s when George Sr. tried to market his cornball-making machine—the Cornballer—to gourmets around the country.
One small problem: Everyone who uses the Cornballer burns the living hell out of their hands, arms and other body parts.
That's why George Sr. began to market them in Mexico, instead, where the reaction was far more positive.
"Soy loco por los cornballs!"
Anyway, every horse-racing gambler would want to bet on "The Cornballer." That's one horse that's incredibly hot heading into Derby Day.
22. No Touching
"No touching!" was a refrain often heard while Michael or another family member spoke with George Sr. while in prison. The thinking was that avoiding contact would likely avoid any trouble with the inmates in the meeting room.
Though it was oft repeated, as it is in horse racing, there's always plenty of contact, whether the officials like it or not.
Like they say in NASCAR, "rubbin's racing." And as a result, "No Touching" would be a pretty formidable-sounding name for a horse.
21. Never Nude
Dr. Tobias Funke, played by David Cross, is one of the most comedically rich, deeply hilarious characters in television history.
Whenever he showers, whenever he goes to the doctor or even whenever he does the deed with his estranged wife Lindsey Bluth-Funke, he always wears his cutoff jean shorts.
Tobias is a never nude, which, according to the show's narrator, is "exactly what it sounds like."
And, Tobias says, he's not the only one:
It has the unbeatable combination of alliteration and humor. A great name for a horse.
20. Operation Hot Mother
Buster Bluth, played by Tony Hale, is my favorite character on Arrested Development. He's an oversized, overage mama's boy who's struggling to adapt to the real world.
There will be more proof in subsequent slides of his unhealthy infatuation with his mother Lucille, but this should serve as a good start.
In this episode, Buster and Michael are planning an elaborate scheme to pluck George Michael out of a grandmother-grandson school event with Lucille. Hence, "Operation Hot Mother."
It fits perfectly with those other inside-joke-style horse names that only really make sense to the owners.
19. Gene Parmesan
Gene Parmesan (played by Martin Mull) is the Bluths' long-time private investigator. He always shows up in disguise and surprises Lucille, who is regularly astounded by Parmesan's ability to blend into his surroundings.
Of course, Parmesan is a terrible detective.
But Gene Parmesan would be a fabulous name for a racehorse.
18. Fire Sale
One of the funniest single scenes in the show's three-season run came shortly after Tobias decided that he wanted to be...an actor.
In this clip, he's auditioning for a role in a local commercial hyping a huge fire sale the company is planning.
But Tobias didn't quite grasp the "sale" part of the fire sale, instead choosing to focus just on the horrific fire.
Like a fire, this horse would be hot. And like shoppers do at any great sale, this horse would steal away with the winner's trophy every time out.
17. This $5,000 Suit
GOB Bluth certainly liked the way he looked in his uber-expensive suits.
And he didn't mind telling his co-workers just how much he paid for them.
It's catchy enough to work as a horse name, too.
16. Barry Zuckerkorn
Former Happy Days star Henry Winkler plays the Bluths' attorney Barry Zuckerkorn.
Barry is a terrible lawyer. But he is excellent at smalltalk and at keeping track of his billable hours.
The name definitely works for a horse, too. It has that down-home Southern feel to it that would be right at home at Churchill Downs.
15. Banana Stand
For decades, the Bluth family has owned and run a frozen banana stand near the pier.
And as George Sr. makes abundantly clear, "There's always money in the banana stand."
Anyway, I'd have no problem putting some money on "Banana Stand" over a mile and a quarter.
14. Steve Holt!
Steve Holt—sorry, Steve Holt!—is a classmate of George Michael's and Maeby's. He's a senior (for the third straight year) on whom Maeby has a long-standing crush, despite the character's propensity for shouting out his own name as he raises his arms in triumph.
Steve Holt! is later found out to be GOB's biological son, but that's not important right now.
Can't you hear it now?
"Steve Holt! coming down the stretch...and it's...Steve Holt! who crosses the line for the victory in the Kentucky Derby!"
George Michael tells his father Michael an adorable story about his girlfriend Ann.
As becomes commonplace when discussing Egg—er—Ann ("Her?"), Michael gets nauseous.
The point is that "Mayonegg" is a fantastic name for anything, especially a lightning-fast horse.
12. Mrs. Featherbottom
One of Tobias' several alter egos on Arrested Development, "Mrs. Featherbottom" is his attempt at playing a Mrs. Doubtfire-type character to worm his way back into the life of his estranged wife, Lindsey.
He fails miserably.
But who among the nattily clad horse racing cognoscenti wouldn't root for Mrs. Featherbottom at Churchill Downs on Saturday?
11. Hot Ham Water
Lindsey Bluth, played by the talented Portia de Rossi, is a terrible cook.
Here is her attempt at making something special for the rest of the family.
The result: hot ham water.
Per the family members' reactions, it is a culinary delight.
Not sure if "Hot Ham Water," the racehorse, would be a success on the track, but it would certainly speed through your digestive systems pretty quickly.
10. Lucille 2
As I alluded to before, Buster has an unhealthy, Oedipal love for his mother Lucille, played by the Emmy-nominated actress Jessica Walter.
But as the show's first season goes on, he gets to know one of Lucille's friends/rivals quite well.
Her name? Lucille Austero, or Lucille 2. She's played by Liza Minnelli, who, according to Wikipedia, agreed to play the role when narrator Ron Howard asked her himself. Minnelli babysat for Howard when he was a child (and she was a teenager).
Anyway, Lucille 2 is another amazing character, and despite her case of vertigo, she has a short-term romantic fling with Buster...and later, GOB.
Lucille 2 would be a terrific name for a racehorse, though he or she would require a pretty skilled jockey to steer him or her dizzily around the track.
9. Uncle T-Bag
After another major hair makeover for Tobias, he tries to convince George Michael to attend a gala with his father, something all kids reportedly love.
George Michael is not swayed, especially by Tobias' choice of words.
Lots of fans and gamblers likely would be swayed, however, by Uncle T-Bag's swagger on the racetrack.
8. The Seaward
The Seaward is a luxury yacht that the Bluth family has owned for some time. It becomes the object of many of their financial wheelings and dealings over the run of the show.
And in this case, GOB is bartering with Michael to let him keep the boat, despite the family's dire financial straits. Lucille walks in. Vulgar-themed hilarity ensues.
The Seaward doesn't make a ton of sense as a name for a horse, but how about the benefit of the doubt here. Maybe it works better if the horses are competing in a steeplechase.
7. Chicken Dance
Calling a member of the Bluth family a chicken, followed by one of the subsequent (and wholly inaccurate) family chicken dances is a recurring theme throughout Arrested's three seasons.
Each character does the dance differently, yet each manages to resemble a spastic fit far more than it does the strutting movements of real, live poultry, prompting Michael to ask the age-old question:
"Has anyone in this family ever actually seen a chicken?"
Similarly, each racehorse at the Derby has its own style, its own stride, its own "dance," if you will. So maybe "Chicken Dance" just runs a little differently than most other horses.
6. I've Made a Huge Mistake
GOB makes a huge mistake.
GOB Bluth is the cockiest member of the Bluth family, yet even he can admit that he errs in judgment on occasion.
Tell me this horse name wouldn't ring true to a huge percentage of gamblers on Kentucky Derby Day.
5. Pop Pop in the Attic
For various periods of time, George Sr. (and later, his identical twin brother Oscar) hides in the attic of the Bluth pop-up home while he hides from the police, prompting his grandson George Michael to tell Michael that he has "Pop Pop in the attic."
Of course, Michael misunderstands, chastising his teenage son:
"The mere fact that you call making love 'Pop Pop' tells me that you're not ready."
This name is simply begging to be added to horse-racing parlance:
"I can't wait to see Pop Pop in the Attic!"
"Do you know how fast Pop Pop in the Attic is?"
"I've got money down on Pop Pop in the Attic."
You get my point.
Annyong is the name of Lucille and George's young, adopted son from Korea. Adopting a child and doing such a good deed will impress the authorities investigating the family's shady finances.
Or so they think.
"Annyong" in Korean actually means "hello," but the Bluth family obviously doesn't know that. So when he arrives, saying "Annyong" to everyone he meets, the name sticks.
Annyong the horse could be the foreign import that comes to the Derby aiming to win the hearts of fans, despite all of the local horses hating him for taking attention away from them.
3. MR. F
Charlize Theron plays an adorable character named Rita with whom Michael falls in love.
But there's one thing just a bit off about her.
At one point, Michael suspects her of being some kind of British spy and notices that wears an odd bracelet reading “MR. F,” which he assumes is her spy code name.
Of course, he couldn't be further from the truth.
Turns out that “MR. F” stands for "Mentally Retarded Female," which, as one fan site suggests, explains her nonsensical behavior and questionable attire.
This moniker obviously wouldn't be appropriate for a racehorse in its full form, but MR. F would probably sneak by the name censors.
2. Hey Brother
One of Buster's most oft-repeated lines, "Hey, Brother!" is how he greets Michael, GOB and eventually Annyong.
It is regularly accompanied by an unwelcome and uncomfortable rubbing of the recipient's shoulders.
He even adapts the salutation for various other members of the family, as you can see in the video.
And you have to admit, this is the kind of short, punchy horse name a racing announcer would love to bellow during a tightly contested Run for the Roses.
And No. 1 on the list? It had to be..."Hermano" (said, of course, in GOB's dastardly tone).
As a horse name, it has the cool, foreign flair, the easy-to-say punchiness alluded to in the previous slide and it simply sounds cool.
"Hermano," of course, means "brother" in Spanish—something "neither Michael nor GOB knew when they were tracking down the elusive man [that GOB's then-girlfriend Marta was interested in] they believed was named Hermano. Turns out, Marta was interested in GOB's hermano—Michael."
As a result, GOB promises this...Hermano...a world of hurt.
What Horse Names Would Be Even Better?
Mr. Banana Grabber?
What Arrested Development names have I forgotten? What should next year's Kentucky Derby-eligible horses be named?
Let me know in the comments below.