John Cena vs the Rock Recap: Rock Electrifies to Make It 2-1
Before I get started, how great was RAW last night? Of course, there are people who would've been annoyed that things didn't go their way, and there are some who need a reason to complain anyway but I hope I'm a humble part of a consensus that is in my favor. I hope.
Don't say that there was hardly any wrestling because we saw decent matches from Sheamus-Ziggler (even though the one on SmackDown was better), Punk-Miz and Orton-Swagger. Add in a Funkasaurus squash match and it's a win in any country.
Anyway, this recap for the biggest feud in history (that's what the adverts say) at the biggest Wrestlemania in history (again, adverts) deals only with Rock's return after Elimination Chamber. I could, of course, driven by liberty and freedom, choose to recap right from Wrestlemania 27, but that's too much in the past and my opinion won't end up pleasing Rocky fans. Not that that matters a lot, but I don't wish to embrace or rise above hate yet, thanks.
And of course this is all completely my humble and painfully impartial opinion. Meaning, Rocky rocks when he does rock, and sucks when he doesn't. No Twitter trending affects these wannabe impassive slides.
Clash One: 1-0 to John Cena
Finally, The Rock came back to electrifying cheers, happiness, fun and frolic, and somehow managed to convert it into something that made fans pelt him with 'Tooth Fairy' chants by the second week.
He has been pretty upfront about debasing Cena's fans, especially the masculine demographic, but if trending stuff worldwide on Twitter and mouthing yabba-dabba gibberish like Kung Pao Chicken is enough for you to mark it in your personal wrestling diary (if you have one, of course) as one of the greatest segments ever witnessed in television history, then may this cause a rude, yet much-needed, rouse of self-awareness.
Just so you know, there's nothing wrong in staying young at heart. There's a joy in watching Rocky mouth nonsense, but don't let that fanaticism cloud your judgement. Yes, he is one of the best talkers in WWE history, and he is a legend.
But when he says stuff like Cena is pandering to kids and men who are way too immature for their age, and using words like Teletubbies and Chicken and Lady Parts and throwing The People's Strudel everywhere (and using the phonetics of John Hancock for the same) for his rebuttal, he grows up to become a living, breathing and electrifying paradox of the immaturity he criticizes. But more on that later.
Cena's two minutes of fame got people more electrified than the entire Rocky segment. In those few minutes, he laid out flat the problems he had with the Rock, created a clear comparison between Dwayne Johnson the movie star and the Great One and like he said, ran him down.
And apparently, the WWE Creative wanted me to give Cena this point too. I know they're pretty horrible and lousy and God alone knows how they book the claptrap they book, but presenting a clear winner in a segment is something they get right most of the time. They did this time too. It's up to the fans to take the reality check.
Clash Two: John Cena Goes Up 2-0
I was one of the haters of John Cena, and will indulge into Cena-hatred if he goes back to what he was pre-Rocky once again, but at times you need to give credit where it is due.
The IWC (of which I am a part) is incredibly, and I mean incredibly, stereotypical. Santino is a comic relief, so the day he becomes champion or gets a spot in a EC Chamber match, five or six articles flood doomsday headlines at Bleacher Report. The performance doesn't matter—Michael Cole will only spew derogatory remarks and Kofi Kingston will always be bad at talking.
John Cena has been stale and superhuman six to seven years of his life, so anything he does now is naturally stale and superhuman and not worth respect. Can we admit that he's been kept off PPVs and RAWs, shoved off the title picture and has given promos worth television time? And once we admit that, can we also admit this is everything the IWC wanted in the first place? Like I said, don't go for retrospects, go for reality checks.
Rock's history lessons were an amalgamation of good and bad, with entertaining moments here and there but the crowd reaction proved that they weren't of Great One's caliber. A simple curious dig in WWE merchandise produces a Rocky garden gnome too. Does possessing a Rock garden gnome make me a fat 40-year-old too?
Simply said, this week was a mirror image of the previous. Cena came in and gave a long promo, but the difference was that he once listed out all the problems with the Rock and added some alter ego problems and the wrist notes melodrama, all of which Rocky has continued to ignore and just mouth off taunts. Rocky came in to shatter Cena in two minutes, but here's the catch—he didn't shake John Cena.
To all those ranting over Cena not taking it seriously, I have to say this: He has spent a year telling us how Rock is never here and how movies mean more to him. The Rock hasn't gone further than Twitter trending and taunts. To cut another long promo, and then to have Rock interrupt only to say 'I'm going to rip your throat' is just weak.
I would smirk at that too. Imagine this—you are a scholarly IWC member who disagrees with every virtual inch of my article and invest your precious time in writing a credible and logical answer, and I just retort with a 'I'm going to own you noob!'
Don't worry, I won't ever do that. That being said, if you are one who wouldn't mind me doing so, please let me know.
In the end, Cena smirked it all off, finished his segment on a high note, hugged his dad and kissed his wife and jumped onto some dudes and drank their beer (and spilt it all around). Actions do tell a story, and this time they yelled Cena you're up 2-0 son.
Clash Three: Rock Is Back! 1-2
If you were annoyed over the comment I made on Rocky fans, I'll humbly ask you to not take it personally. I'd be lying to you if I said Lady Parts and Vanilla Ice didn't make me chuckle, because like I said it's pretty damn awesome to remain young at heart.
I needed to clear that before I look like someone delving into a pool of hypocrisy, because what Rock did last night was the same - ignored all of John Cena's points and just kept all his attention on John Cena's attire and genitalia and mother and wife. But he did it differently.
A week back Rock came back and said the same nonsense, and got a ton of flak for it. Cena, as faithful Rocky fans will remind me, has repeated shelled out the same thing about Rocky's apparent betrayal. But a week before Rocky made his return, same words it may be, but somehow Cena's promo seemed edgier. Somehow.
What I'm trying to say is that we can make Booker T come to the ring every week and just say Shucky Ducky Quack Quack and we'll still like it if it's done differently and uniquely.
Okay, not Shucky Ducky, but you get the point.
In the word of sports entertainment, what Rock did last night was top notch. It was entertainment at its best and that is what this business has (sadly, maybe) been reduced to. Look, I'm all for entertainment. A week back the 20 minute Rock segment didn't entertain me - made me chuckle at times, but seemed long and redundant, and was long and redundant and also for a bonus point -illogical in terms of the feud.
This segment did entertain me, however. And seeing that it won over Mr. Thuganomics, that's saying something. Dr. Thuganomics arguably was the coercion behind Cena's stardom. I'm no music maestro so I don't know if he is off beat, but I liked what I saw and if you did too then that's all that matters.
Yes, this was vintage Rocky(!!!) and boy am I glad.
However, you can make a case for Cena if you want - he was to the point and short and attitudinal. Another thing you can consider is that Rock was reading the lyrics the whole while during his concert. Yes, you can also show how they actually had to plaster the lyrics of the We Will Rock You part on the titantron.
And yes, despite all of that I still feel Rock took this one away.
Call me dumb and stupid (you have all right) if you want, but I don't get why people are hating these promos. You can see both the stars put their hearts out on this feud, and all you can do is enjoy it as it comes along. We had haters for a Rock and Rap concert, too.
If you're completely in denial with this article, I'd like you to list out your own Electricity vs. Loyalty tally score and maybe which score corresponds to which week. Or if you're a really sweet person, you can agree with me and add in an expository compliment. Not asking for much, no?
Thanks for reading all.
Shalaj Lawania is gradually getting older at Bleacher Report and that's about it. You can become a fan of his if you like his work or follow him on Twitter (@_Apex_Predator_) if you really can put up with his useless tweets. Annoying tweets or not, do leave a comment for this article!