World Football Weekend Viewing Guide: Messi, Beckham, Spurs, Newcastle, Arsenal

Leo Messi the best ever? Why the bleep not?

Take heart, football aficionados and overworked wordsmiths. Heaping praise on Lionel Messi no longer lies exclusively in the realm of hyperbole.

The world's most recent Best Player Of All Time, Ever, For Real saw to that Wednesday night. And with that, Ronaldo has opened the door to expletive-based flattery.

Go ahead. Give it a try.

Messi scores five goals? That deserves a four-letter word.

Messi stakes his claim to best-ever status? Cuss him out on Twitter.

Just imagine what words we'll be calling him next. It should be an interesting weekend.

Follow Mike on Twitter: @MikeCummings37

Messi's Next Move

Who: Racing Santander vs. Barcelona

Basics: Sunday, 1 p.m. Eastern; Estadio El Sardinero; GolTV

What's up: Don't even act like you don't know.

Lionel Messi is, like, the best player ever. He scored five goals Wednesday against Bayer Leverkusen in the Champions League. In the history of the competition (not including the old European Cup), no one had ever scored that many in a single game.

My favorite part about all of this is that Messi is still just 24 years old. Good Lord. When I was 24, I was fighting off leg cramps and limping through 10-minute spells of meaningless games in my local amateur league.

Of course, to this day a good outing for me means not having to buy the first pitcher once the second game begins. So, really, it's all about priorities.

Watchability: Until further notice, all games involving Messi top this list. 4.5 potty-mouthed Ronaldos of out 5

Prediction: Messi slumps and scores only a hat trick. Cesc Fabregas provides two assists and scores once. And Victor Valdes makes another hilarious error. 4-1 Barcelona

Relegation 6-Pointers

Who: Bolton Wanderers vs. Queens Park Rangers; Wolverhampton Wanderers vs. Blackburn Rovers

Basics: Bolton-QPR, Saturday, 7:45 p.m. Eastern, ESPN2; Wolves-Blackburn, Saturday, 10 a.m. Eastern, Fox Soccer Plus (delayed, 2:30 p.m.)

What's up: Relegation six-pointers already! This is cause for celebration. Six-pointers always provide such great entertainment value—and such terrible football.

And how about all these charming English club names? Wanderers. Rangers. Wanderers again. Rovers. I've been following the English Premier League for 15 years now, and I still haven't stopped loving all the cool names.

If you're English, you probably think I'm an idiot. But if you're American, there's a good chance you're grinning, nodding and calling out "Wolverhampton Wanderers" in a terrible cockney accent right now.

Anyway, here's the Premier League table. All four of these teams are in the bottom five, and two of them are currently in the relegation zone.

QPR made a bunch of signings in the winter transfer window, but for all that, they've managed two points in five matches since deadline day. Sounds like money well spent.

Meanwhile, Bolton have an American player named Tim Ream. That means I'm supposed to root for them. I don't.

Actually, I don't root for any of these teams. I just want to see some scrappy, sloppy football.

Watchability: 4.0 potty-mouthed Ronaldos out of 5

Prediction: Draws. High-scoring, penalty-filled, bad-tempered draws.

Upset Special

Who: Everton vs. Tottenham Hotspur

Basics: Saturday, 11:30 a.m. Eastern; Goodison Park; Fox Soccer Channel

What's up: Everton recently re-upped with everybody's favorite American keeper, and they've already beaten Chelsea and Manchester City this season.

Spurs are on the verge of a league meltdown.

I'm calling the upset.

Watchability: 4.0 potty-mouthed Ronaldos in case of an upset. 3.5 regardless.

Prediction: Upset. 1-0 Everton.

Monday Night Football

Who: Arsenal vs. Newcastle

Basics: Monday, 4 p.m. Eastern; Emirates Stadium; ESPN2

What's up: These teams met on the opening day of the season at Newcastle. Joey Barton got Gervinho sent off and nobody scored.

Barton is now in a relegation fight with QPR, and these teams are fighting for fourth place.

Arsenal is on fire, with consecutive wins over Spurs, Liverpool and, most impressively, AC Milan. Newcastle's last three games have been a blowout loss to Tottenham, a home draw with Wolves and a home draw with Sunderland.

With a win, Arsenal would consolidate their hold on fourth place while putting pressure on Spurs in third. Newcastle would pull within two points of Arsenal.

Watchability: 4.0 potty-mouthed Ronaldos out of 5.

Prediction: Every time I think I have Arsenal figured out, they flip out and give up multiple goals. Aww, what the hey. 3-2 Arsenal.

Galaxy of Stars

Who: Los Angeles Galaxy vs. Real Salt Lake

Basics: Saturday, 10:30 p.m. Eastern; Home Depot Center; no national TV

What's up: Hey, it's the start of the MLS season! Don't hate, Eurosnobs.

David Beckham, Landon Donovan, Robbie Keane and the Los Angeles Galaxy are coming off a big comeback against Toronto and their wacky domed artificial playing surface in the CONCACAF Champions League.

Now it's time to get down to business. Beckham is back. Donovan is back. Keane is back. Everybody's back. The Galaxy won the MLS Cup last year, they're expected to contend again this year and even if they don't they're still America's glamor club.

Fun times all around. Here's a season preview if you're interested.

Salt Lake and their nonsensical Real moniker—are they associated with the Mormon monarchy or something?—finished third in the Western Conference last season. In the playoffs, they made the semifinals before losing to the Galaxy.

So this one is a rematch, and if there's any bad blood in MLS, maybe there's some here.

The game isn't on national TV, but the great news is that you can watch it on local feeds in LA and Salt Lake City. So, yeah, that new MLS TV deal is working out well.

Watchability: 3.5 potty-mouthed Ronaldos out of 5

Prediction: Los Angeles wins, and Donovan scores. 2-1 Galaxy.