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Black Friday Shopping Lists for All 32 NFL Teams

Eddie Gentile, JrContributor IIINovember 24, 2016

Black Friday Shopping Lists for All 32 NFL Teams

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    With Black Friday quickly approaching, each NFL team is hastily scribbling together a shopping list to ensure nothing is forgotten in the chaotic rush of a midnight store opening.

    Some teams need more than others, but all 32 teams will be waiting in line after Thursday's turkey dinner.

    Here are the items that top the shopping list of each NFL squad. 

49ers: Wide Receiver

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    With a defense as stout as any in the league and a capable rush attack, San Francisco is in a position to splurge a bit on a novelty. 

    Aside from wideout Michael Crabtree's Week 11 performance, the receiving corps in the City by the Bay has left something to be desired.

    The league's 27th ranked passing attack will be in line early Friday morning hoping to snag another playmaking pass catcher.

Cardinals: Four Points

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    The Cardinals have a lot of needs and could sprint to the offensive lineman isle, but instead Arizona has decided to spend its cash on four points.

    After all, four of the Cardinals seven losses have come by four or fewer points.

    It's a smart buy for the Cards; those four points give the team a 7-3 record, good enough for the NFC's top Wild Card spot.

Rams: Offensive Lineman

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    Second-year quarterback Sam Bradford has been banged up all year and the Rams have given up a league-high 37 sacks this season.

    To cure the protection woes and as added insurance for their investment in Bradford, the Rams will be taking advantage of door-buster sales for hog mollies.

    Unfortunately, the Rams might get trampled when the doors open and the crowd frantically surges forward ... St. Louis has no rush defense. 

Seahawks: Matt Hasselbeck

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    How sick were Seahawks fans to see quarterback Matt Hasselbeck take a walk only to be replaced by Tavaris Jackson?

    Jackson has been downright awful for the majority of the season in tossing 11 interceptions and only seven scores.

    That is, when he's healthy actually plays.

    If Hasselbeck was still in town, the NFC West race might have lasted a bit longer than Thanksgiving weekend.

Cowboys: Altar

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    The Cowboys will be in line Friday hoping get their hands on a brand-new altar to add to the new Cowboy's Stadium.

    On it, the Cowboys can both give praise to quarterback Tony Romo, their savior, after each win or sacrifice No. 9, the devil, to Jerry Jones after a loss. 

    Classy and multi-purpose. A great buy. 

Eagles: Time Machine

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    Andy Reid has been eyeing up a time machine for some time now.

    With it, he not only hopes to go back in time but also plans to skip the final stanza of each game, thus saving his team from the five fourth-quarter collapses that have plagued them.

    The time machine, even with the door-buster sale included, could run a bit pricey as Reid will have to spring for the roomier model.

Giants: Easier Schedule

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    Some things just aren't fair.

    The Giants Week 11 loss wouldn't be a big deal if New York didn't have four of their last six games against divisional leaders (Saints, Packers, Cowboys twice), a divisional matchup with Washington and a date with the Jets.

    Coach Tom Coughlin will be excited to come home Friday morning with a new remaining schedule for his reeling squad, featuring six-straight home contests against the St. Louis Rams.

Redskins: Quarterback

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    Consistent and smart are not two adjectives used to describe the quarterback play in the Nation's Capital.

    Step aside, Seahawks. The Redskins too are hoping to get a bargain at quarterback this Black Friday.

    Of course, Washington thought they had bargains with Rex Grossman, John Beck, Donovan McNabb, Jason Campbell, Todd Collins, Mark Brunell, Patrick Ramsey, Tim Hasselbeck, Shane Matthews, Danny Wuerffel, Tony Banks, Jeff George, Brad Johnson, Todd Green, Gus Frerotte and Heath Shuler.

    Yikes.

    This time will be different, though. 

Bears: Right Thumb

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    Just when things started to look really, really good in Chicago, quarterback Jay Cutler goes and ruins his thumb.

    No worries. The Bears are going to Pharmacy sales to purchase a brand new thumb for their ailing quarterback this Friday.

    Dose of "toughness" not included.

Lions: Running Back

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    All the problems on that Lions defense aren't going to be solved by one Black Friday purchase, so instead Detroit will look to strengthen an already potent offense.

    Kevin Smith is not the answer. Repeat: Kevin Smith is not the answer.

Packers: Cheerleaders

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    With seemingly no needs on the field, the Packers look off to the sidelines.

    And when this guy is what they see, they rush to get in line to get some cheerleaders.

    And fast.

Vikings: New Stadium

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    All they need is $300 million in tax payers dollars. What a bargain!

Buccaneers: 2002-2003 Defense

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    Just behind the new releases is the classics section, and that's where the Bucs will be shopping.

    With a defense ranked in the bottom six against the rush and pass and in points allowed, Tampa hopes the boys from their Super Bowl run can get the team back to the promised land, as they did way back yonder. 

Falcons: Mulligan

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    Falcons coach Mike Smith can defend his decision to go for it on fourth down from his own 30 in overtime in Week 10 against the Saints.

    But when fans spot him grabbing a mulligan on Black Friday, Smith won't be able to hide behind his self denial any longer.

    That overtime loss could be the difference in the NFC South title race.

Panthers: Defensive Coordinator

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    The Panthers scoring defense ranks second from the bottom in the NFL in allowing 28.6 points/ game.

    The Panthers defense is fourth from the bottom in total yards allowed.

    Kevin Smith, a guy who was out of football a week ago, just torched the Panthers defense for 140 yards.

    Black Friday can't come soon enough for Carolina.

Saints: A Turnover

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    In 10 games this season, the New Orleans Saints have forced only nine turnovers.

    This picture is one of them.

Bills: N/A

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    The Bills won't be shopping on Black Friday because they instead will be standing in line at the customer service desk trying to get a refund for the contract they just gave quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick.

    Since signing a $59 million contract extension on Oct. 8, Fitzpatrick has thrown eight interceptions and just four touchdowns while the Bills have lost three of four contests. 

Dolphins: Head Check

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    Wait, the Dolphins have won three-straight?

Jets: Socks

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    No, not for the wife's feet of foot-loving coach Rex Ryan.

    Rather, for the loud mouth coach to shove in his yapper.

Patriots: Corner or Safety

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    It's no secret the Patriots pass defense has been New England's kryptonite.

    The last-ranked total defense will be in line on Black Friday with hopes of acquiring a safety or corner to sure up the most glaring weakness in the NFL through 11 weeks.

    Meanwhile, the rest of the world will be shopping for mind-erasing elixir to forget the sight of nose guard Vince Wilfork's belly waving at us in slow motion while returning an interception. 

Colts: Whatever They Can Get Their Hands on

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    Everyone expects the Colts to shop for a cure for quarterback Peyton Manning's neck, but unless Peyton can stop the run, defend a pass and run the rock all simultaneously, that would be a poor purchase.

    Instead, the Colts will be rubbing shoulders with the crazy Black Friday moms who wildly scream and sprint through the isles with their hands waving above their heads, shoveling rows and rows of anything and everything into their carts.

    Anything they come out with Friday would be an instant upgrade.

Jaguars: A Ticket to L.A.

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    This picture is the first image in the Getty Images database when one searches for "Jaguars fan."

    It's fitting seeing as the franchise is the least valuable in the league according to Forbes and is fourth from the bottom in average home attendance capacity filled. 

    The Jacksonville front office will spend its Black Friday searching for cheap tickets to Los Angeles to broker a deal to ship the floundering franchise to the Tinsel Town.

Texans: T.O.'s Miracle Cure

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    Quarterback Matt Schaub is done for the year, and while the Texans are a complete team, Houston would much rather have their elite QB in the back field than Matt Leinert.

    Houston will be shopping for the same miracle cure Terrell Owens used to fix up his broken leg in just two months time to play in Super Bowl XXXIX.

    Rumor has it T.O. used a Micro Current, a hyperbaric chamber and a little love. 

Titans: Thank You Cards

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    To be sent to the Seattle Seahawks for allowing the acquisition of quarterback Matt Hasselbeck and to be sent to the Buccaneers for knocking out Texans quarterback Matt Schaub for the season, thus opening up the AFC South race. 

Broncos: Running Back

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    Quarterback Tim Tebow can, actually, do it all himself.

    Still, with running back Knowshon Moreno done for the year and Willis McGahee withered and beaten, the Broncos could use another backfield threat to compliment their QB.

    After getting their running back, the Broncos will go across the street to the courthouse to put a stop order on all of the jokes about Tebow that were originally meant for Chuck Norris.

    Tim Tebow can touch M.C. Hammer.

    See? That's not funny. Enough already.

Chargers: A New Coach

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    Year in and year out, the Chargers are picked to be among the NFL elite with a talent-laced roster.

    Yet, each year, the Chargers boarder on awful.

    The constant: head coach Norv Tuner.

    Turner's career record as a head coach is 107-114-1 and this year will be the second in a row San Diego will miss the playoffs.

    Blame Philip Rivers for the Chargers awful season, but Rivers has a history of success (mainly the highest rated QB in NFL history) while Turner does not. 

Chiefs: Magic Eight Ball

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    "Oh, mighty and powerful Magic Eight Ball, do we target another quarterback or hope Matt Cassel's 2010 season was not a mirage?"

    Ask Again Later.

    "Oh, majestic and graceful Magic Eight ball ..."

Raiders: Accountability

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    The Raiders defense is a graveyard of former first-round picks, pro-bowlers and standouts, yet it is ranked near the bottom in the league in each major measuring statistic.

    With the rest of the team primed to become a major player in the AFC in the next season or two, the Raiders must make tough decisions as to who is valuable on the defensive side of the ball and who is just a name on the back of a jersey.

    Maybe the Chiefs will let them borrow that Magic Eight Ball.

Bengals: Time

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    The Bengals are on the cusp of being a legitimate threat in the AFC. Quarterback Andy Dalton showed in Week 11 he can perform even without wideout A.J. Green in the lineup. The defense has been among the best in the NFL.

    On Black Friday, the Bengals will buy a hold on their current roster. Give them a season or two and the AFC North will suddenly be a three-team race. 

Browns: Fireworks

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    Cleveland has shown it is better than most cellar-dwellers of the NFL, but they sure are one boring team to watch.

    Just a few contests the Browns have played: 14-10, 13-12, 6-3.

    On Black Friday, the Browns will head over to see what sales are going on in your everyday pyrotechnics section, figuring if they can't entertain fans during games, they may as well after. 

Ravens: Consistency

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    What to make of the Ravens?

    Wins against the Steelers, Bengals and Texans and losses to the Titans, Jaguars and Seahawks have left everyone scratching their heads.

    With Friday's sales, the Ravens hope to cash in on a deal for consistency, not only for final outcomes but for their offense and Joe Flacco. If the offense can score points to support that always-strong defense, the Ravens will be hard to beat.

Steelers: Ravens Playbook

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    As long as the Steelers don't play the Ravens, everyone in Pittsburgh enjoys Sunday.

    The Steelers hope the Ravens playbook will make the best seller list in time for Friday's sales. At this point, they'll take whatever advantage they can get.

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