* This is literally a draft mocking the situations of the teams involved based on last season and their current standing as teams in the league.
1. Detroit: GM Isiah Thomas, New York Knicks
Stats: Destroyed the CBA; led the Knicks into salary cap hell
*Formerly had taken QB Ronnie Fouch, Washington (Freshman)
They just had Matt Millen. It can’t get any worse.
Isiah is a legend in Detroit…
2. St. Louis: TE/RB/WR/QB/S James Casey, Rice (Sophomore)
Stats: 111 catches, 1329 yards, 13 TDs; 4.2 yards per carry, 6 TDs, 2 passing TDs; 3 tackles
*Formerly had taken S Eric Berry, Tennessee (Sophomore)
The Rams were equally terrible on both sides of the football last year, so why not grab someone who can single-handedly address all of their problems.
He broke the Conference-USA record for catches in a year and was initially a safety in his freshman spring practice.
He was also a minor league baseball player for four years and a javelin thrower at Rice. So if you need a headshot on an opposing QB, he’s your best bet.
3. Kansas City Chiefs: QB Matthew Stafford, Georgia (Junior)
Stats: 61.4 completion percentage, 3459 TDs, 25 TDs, 10 INTs; 7,731 career yards, 51 TDs, 33 INTs
*Formerly had taken QB Colt McCoy, Texas (Junior)
If you thought Todd Haley v. Anquan Boldin was bad, just wait until Stafford comes to the sidelines after throwing his 20th pick of the year.
And that’s just in week 13.
Haley might actually explode.
4. Seattle: WR Michael Crabtree, Texas Tech (Sophomore)
Stats: 97 catches, 1165 yards, 19 TDs; 231 career catches, 3,127 yards, 41 TDs
*Formerly had taken WR Ryan Tannehill, Texas A&M (Freshman)
The Seahawks are tired of watching Larry Fitzgerald victimize them in their own division, so they take their own prodigy at receiver.
Crabtree should end Matt Hasselbeck’s sleepless nights in Seattle. In case of injury troubles, Crabtree was a starting quarterback in high school.
5. Cleveland: F LeBron James, Cleveland Browns
Stats: 28.4 points, 7.5 rebounds, 7.1 assists, 1 appearance in a professional championship
*Formerly had taken K/P Louie Sakoda, Utah (Senior)
Cleveland didn’t score an offensive TD in their last five games. LeBron scored more TDs in a Browns jersey in a 30 second State Farm commercial than anyone on the Browns did in 16 games.
He was an all-state receiver in Ohio. And he’s built like a really tall linebacker.
The Mangenius pulls one over everyone once again. New York is absolutely irate with him after this selection. Cavs fans begged for LeBron to stay in Cleveland. Be careful what you wish for.
6. Cincinnati: QB Michael Vick, Falcons
Stats: 53.8 career completion percentage, 11,505 yards, 71 TDs, 52 INTs; 3,859 yards rushing, 7.3 yards per carry, 21 TDs; #1 on PETA’s hit list
*Formerly had taken S Jamar Hornsby, Ole Miss (Sophomore)
Marvin Lewis is still on board and is looking to skip the arrested development process and take someone straight from prison.
Vick could pump some excitement back into the franchise. With Ocho Cinco and T.J. Who’s Your Mama likely on their way out the door, Vick could be their best deep threat at receiver.
We know he’ll kill the Dawg Pound in Cleveland.
7. Oakland: QB Robert Marve, formerly of “the U” (Freshman)
Stats: 54.5 completion percentage, 1293 yards, 9 TDs, 13 INTs; 59 carries, 119 yards, 2 TDs
Al Davis to Randy Shannon: “Robert Marve is a great player. Get over it!”
This wouldn’t be the first time the Raiders had someone who couldn’t handle discipline.
8. Jacksonville: WR Pat White, West Virginia (Senior)
Stats: 63.6 completion percentage, 1510 yards, 18 TDs, 6 INTs; 170 carries, 919 yards, 8 TDs
This is the perfect pick for the Jags, who are suckers for unproven speed receivers who never catch passes.
White is the most hyped QB transition player since Matt Jones, who is the Jags’ best receiver. So this was a no-brainer. Coincidentally, Pat White is what Matt Jones calls his secret coke stash. As we know, his use of a credit card to draw up a double sniff option was picked off by police.
9. Green Bay: CB Malcolm Jenkins, Ohio State (Senior)
Stats: 54 tackles, 3 INTs, 2 forced fumbles, 1 sack
*Formerly had taken QB Tim Tebow, Florida (Junior)
The Packers have to find as many corners as possible. The cheese heads are toxic to members of their secondary. They’re dropping like flies.
10. San Francisco: CB Vontae Davis, Illinois (Junior)
Stats: 78 tackles, 3 FF, 2 INTs
With the Cardinals being the only threat in the NFC West for the near future, the 49ers need some players with coverage skills.
When informed of the selection, Mike Singletary had a little misunderstanding:
“Cannot play with him. Cannot win with him. Cannot coach with him. Can’t do it.”
Defensive Coordinator Greg Manusky: “You mean Vernon. We’ll ship him to wherever Martz ends up.”
GM Scot McCloughan: “There’s just one problem. Michael Vick has a better chance of getting a job than Mike Martz.”
The 49ers think Davis can put the “F” in physical.
11. Buffalo: RB Chris “Beanie” Wells, Ohio State (Junior)
Stats: 1197 yards, 5.8 yards per carry, 8 TDs; 30 career TDs
*Formerly had taken CB Curtis Brown, Texas (Sophomore)
The Bills need some insurance after Marshawn Lynch got caught packing heat while puffing up smoke back in Cali. He’s now staring in the barrel of three misdemeanor charges for having an unregistered, concealed, and loaded gun.
Because the incident went down in California, Lynch evades marijuana charges. This comes after a hit and run in Buffalo earlier this year. The Bills hope Wells can hit the hole and run for extra yards.
12. Denver: DT Jarron Gilbert, San Jose State (Senior)
Stats: 51 tackles, 9 sacks; 142 career tackles, 1 forced fumble
*Formerly had taken WR Mike Shanahan, Pittsburgh (Freshman)
The YouTube sensation can stay fully submerged in a swimming pool and jump right out of the water onto the deck. That alone makes him the most talented member of this defense.
He can withstand the resistance of water. Just imagine what he might do in thin air.
13. Washington: FB/HB Jorvorskie Lane, Texas A&M (Senior)
Stats: 35 carries, 93 yards, 5 TDs; 49 career rushing TDs
Jim Zorn complained about Portis not getting in the way of defenders, so he solves that problem by taking the Jared Lorenzen of backs. At 6’0”, 285 pounds, he’s a good diet away from being another tackle for Jason Campbell.
At worst he can serve as a tackling dummy for LaRon Landry so he doesn’t get planted again by Brandon Jacobs.
14. New Orleans: QB Graham Harrell, Texas A&M (Senior)
Stats: 71.5 completion percentage, 4747 yards, 41 TDs, 7 INTs; 15,429 career yards, 130 career TDs
The ultimate system quarterback; the Saints believe they have the system for him to take down Dan Marino after Drew Brees came 16 yards short.
15. Houston: CB Darius Butler, Connecticut (Senior)
Stats: 40 tackles, 23.5 yard punt return average, 1 receiving TD; 10 career INTs, 43”-44” vertical
*Formerly had taken CB Malcolm Jenkins, Ohio State (Senior)
The Texans need players in the secondary to take their team to the next level. This guy might be a 4.2 guy, which means he might be the first Texans defender to stay in front of a fast receiver in some time.
And with his vertical, he should be able to fill in for Andre Johnson as a red zone target when he inevitably gets hurt next year.
16. San Diego: RB Shonn Greene, Iowa (Junior)
Stats: 278 carries, 1729 yards, 17 TDs; rushed for at least 100 yards in all 13 games
With LT apparently being human and starting to decline, the Chargers take the college equivalent of him to appease concerned fantasy owners everywhere.
17. New York Jets: QB Kevin Craft, UCLA (Junior)
Stats: 55.6 completion percentage, 2341 yards, 7 TDs, 20 INTs
After Brett Favre valiantly led the Jets down the tubes in the final month of the season while leading the league in picks, the Jets take Craft to finally get some consistency at the quarterback position.
18. Chicago: WR Jeff Samardzija, Chicago Cubs
Stats: 1-0, 26 games, 25 strikeouts, 1 save, 2.28 ERA; 172 career catches, 27 TDs
*Formerly had taken DE Michael Johnson, Georgia Tech (Senior)
Name the best receiver on the Bears. I’ll wait. Lovie Smith doesn’t have that much time, so he’s going with the best receiver in the city.
19. Tampa Bay: DE Michael Johnson, Georgia Tech (Senior)
Stats: 45 tackles, 9 sacks, 1 INT, 1 TD
*Formerly had taken WR Percy Harvin, Florida (Junior)
The Bucs are going to continue to ignore the fact that they don’t have an offense.
20. Detroit: WR Darrius Heyward-Bey (Sophomore)
Stats: 42 catches, 609 yards, 5 TDs
*Formerly had taken WR Michael Crabtree, Texas Tech (Sophomore)
You didn’t really think the Lions wouldn’t take a receiver in the first round, did you?
Even Isiah can’t screw this up.
21. Philadelphia: WR Hakeem Nicks, North Carolina (Junior)
Stats: 68 catches, 1222 yards, 12 TDs; 5 carries, 34 yards, TD
*Formerly had taken RB Rashad Jennings, Liberty (Senior)
On the rare 95 percent of the time the Eagles are throwing the football, they need someone who can actually catch it. Nicks fits the bill and won’t voluntarily drop the ball before going into the end zone.
He can make catches behind his back, so just imagine what he could do with the ball coming in front of him.
Seeing Nicks against West Virginia gave McNabb flashbacks of the good times with T.O.
22. Minnesota: DE Brian Orapko, Texas (Senior)
Stats: 38 tackles, 10 sacks, 20 career sacks
*Formerly had taken Terrence Cody, Alabama (Junior)
The Vikings felt they have enough beasts on their defensive line. They were going to take a QB but then Orapko bench pressed both Pat and Kevin Williams.
23. New England: WR Kerry Meier, Kansas (Junior)
Stats: 97 catches, 1045 yards, 8 TDs; 61 percent career completions, 1542 yards, 17 TDs, 10 INTs
Bill Belichick has to find someone to play backup to Brady after next year.
Meier played under center for the Jayhawks two years ago and is now a pretty good possession receiver. He even has four career punts, so if the Pats ever end up in 50 mph winds at Buffalo again and don’t have Cassel, Meier has a 34.5 yard average.
With Troy Brown gone, Meier will learn how to play corner in training camp.
24. Atlanta: T.I., Rapper
Stats: Nine Top Ten Billboard Top 100 Singles, top rap album of 2008
*Formerly had taken TE Brandon Pettigrew, Oklahoma State (Senior)
The Falcons are good again and can’t think of what to do here. With the impending departure of Michael Vick, the Falcons need to replenish their prison inmate position.
Unlike Vick, T.I. is going into jail as his performance continues to rise. And unlike Vick, he’s already on his road to redemption.
Also unlike Vick, his jail time only gives him more upside.
25. Miami: FS Anthony Reddick (Senior)
Stats: 66 tackles; 142 career tackles
*Formerly had taken CB D.J. Moore, Vanderbilt (Junior)
Miami wasn’t sure where to go with this pick, so they stayed close to home. After what Channing Crowder did to Matt Light last year, the Dolphins feel they need to bring in someone who can finish the job.
The lone FIU player hoping to be drafted can vouch for Reddick’s ability to swing a helmet and hit someone.
One Reddick swing could mean lights out for Matt next year.
26. Baltimore: WR Jeremy Maclin, Missouri (Sophomore)
Stats: 102 catches, 1260 yards, 13 TDs; 40 carries, 293 yards, 2 TDs; 41 punt returns, 270 yards, 1 TD, 42 kickoff returns, 1010 yards, 1 TD
Let’s see. Ball hawking secondary, check. Smash mouth defense, check. Big arm quarterback who actually completes passes, check. Running game, check. Kick returner/receiver...
Maclin could make the Ravens exciting to watch on offense. The defense doesn’t have that problem with Ray Lewis shooting the gap.
27. Colts: OT Phil Loadholt, Oklahoma (Senior)
Stats: 6’8”, 343 lbs
*Formerly had taken DE Brian Orapko, Texas (Senior)
The Colts could use some help on their line and this guy can definitely add some beef up front.
This just in: The over/under is 20 on the amount of times Peyton Manning says “he’s quite a load” next season.
28. Philadelphia: QB Josh Freeman, Kansas State (Junior)
Stats: 58.6 completion percentage, 2,945 yards, 20 TDs, 8 INTs; 44 career TDs
*Formerly had taken WR Hakeem Nicks, North Carolina (Junior)
The Eagles consulted with McNabb, who could care less now that the Eagles actually want him in the city which welcomes him with folded arms.
Unfortunately, Kevin Kolb has pulled a McNabb and is throwing a hissy fit.
29. New York Giants: WR Kenny Britt, Rutgers (Junior)
Stats: 87 catches, 1371 yards, 7 TDs; 7 carries, 75 yards, 1 TD; 6’4”, 215 lbs
The Giants take a local kid; a big receiver with good hands who can go up and get it for Eli Manning. They made sure he wasn’t armed.
Britt is not allowed to go to clubs as part of his contract.
30. Tennessee: QB Mark Sanchez, USC (Junior)
Stats: 65.8 completion percentage, 3207 yards, 34 TDs, 10 INTs
The Titans take another Rose Bowl MVP. Only this time they have no intention of playing him.
They just hope battling a USC guy brings Vince Young back to legendary status.
31. Arizona: WR Percy Harvin, Florida (Junior)
Stats: 35 catches, 595 yards, 7 TDs; 61 carries, 538 yards, 9 TDs
*Formerly had taken RB Arian Foster, Tennessee (Senior)
The Cardinals need anyone who can play running back. Harvin could start there for them and catch screen passes and bubble screens for Warner next year.
He’s a major addition to the offense as he’s fast enough to catch James Harrison.
32. Pittsburgh: G Duke Robinson, Oklahoma (Senior)
Stats: 30 catches, 341 yards, 2 TDs
*Formerly had taken WR Josh Chichester, Louisville (Freshman)
The Steelers won the Super Bowl with an offensive line which let Big Ben turn into broken bruised Ben.
If things don’t change soon, Roethlisberger might crash on a motorcycle again to blackout the pain.
51. Dallas: P Kevin Huber, Cincinnati (Senior)
Stats: 56 punts, 44.9 yard average
With Tony Romo being smitten with Jason Witten and T.O. and Roy Williams plotting their revenge, Jerry Jones had to step in and put everyone on an equal playing field. Everyone needs to be on the same page.
And that’s why the Cowboys are going to punt on first down next season. And this guy can punt it into a coffin corner like no other. Which is important considering Cowboys fans could be putting Romo and Owens into coffins pretty soon.
The team might too, but we’ll be in the dark on that. Jerry has put down the gag order on the entire coaching staff.
Wade Philips is just bending over and taking it. New arena, same good ole’ Cowboys.
59. Carolina: CB Captain Munnerlyn, South Carolina (Junior)
Stats: 40 tackles, 2 sacks; 33 punt returns, 118 yards, 9 kick returns, 218 yards
The Panthers are the team that was forgotten before the season started, and in a loaded SEC with great defenses, this guy is the forgotten man.
Plus, if the Panthers are planning on plundering the Buccaneers every year, they’ll need a captain to ward off the cannons.
That’s every team’s first pick in the 2009 draft if it were today.
So much for those 40 times at the combine.