NBA: New Nickname Suggestions for the Top 25 Star Players

In case you have been living under a rock, I'll remind you that the NBA is in the process of holding basketball fans everywhere hostage with a news-halting lockout.

Teams and the people in their employ are forbidden from speaking, tweeting, blogging, sending smoke signals or Morse code about any members of the NBA Players Union and it seems that it is only going to get worse from this point on.

So I have decided to take the downtime that the NBA lockout has given me and turn it into something positive and fix something that has bothered me for years in the NBA.

I am going to be fixing the nickname problem we have in this league. Too many superstars are being referred to as their initials and their jersey number, and if it happens to one more guy I'm going to have to go on a rampage.

I've done my best to find a new nickname for the top 25 players in the NBA, and I did my best not to spit them out too forcefully, so just tell me what you think of my new suggestions.

LaMarcus Aldridge

It's not a secret that the Portland Trail Blazers have had some injury problems over the past couple of years. And, with the injuries happening to some of their best players it's a surprise they have fared as well as they have.

For that reason, I would have to call LaMarcus Aldridge “The Band Aid” for the fact that he has stepped up as the teams go-to player and kept the team doing well.

Zach Randolph

Zach Randolph has had his fair share of off-court troubles in his career, and people have been saying he is too immature to be a superstar basketball player, even though all the tools are there.

So calling Randolph “Fine Wine,” because he is good right away but gets better with maturity, sounds good to me.

Andrew Bogut

Andrew Bogut is probably the best shot-blocker in the NBA. He is able to single out any player that comes into his lane and send his shot back where it came from.

It may not be the most creative nickname in the world, but I would have to call Andrew Bogut the "Swat Team Captain."

Kevin Garnett

Ever since his move to Boston, Kevin Garnett has had an edge that we had never seen before in his game, giving the Boston Celtics their edge in the first place.

Therefore, I declare that Kevin Garnett be called “The Knife,” because when he is kept sharp next to a knife-sharpening steel of a center like Kendrick Perkins (before the trade), he made the Boston Celtics as sharp as possible.

Steve Nash

Steve Nash is continuing to bring the sizzle to the NBA, even though he has been in the league for well over a decade at this point.

He is pulling off some of the most flashy moves possible, and it is for that reason that I would have to call the man “Canadian Bacon.”

Joe Johnson

The Atlanta Hawks signed Joe Johnson to a maximum contract last summer in the hopes that he would be the superstar to keep them at a high level of play and possibly get them to the NBA Finals.

However, Johnson has always been off-and-on as an elite player, which is why I would like to deem him the “Sometimes Superstar.”

Tony Parker

It may be a double entendre, and it may sound a bit creepy, but I couldn't think of calling Tony Parker anything other than “The French Tickler.”

It plays on both facts that he slips his way around the court, tickling defenders with his fly moves, and that he is an international playboy.

Ray Allen

Ray Allen recently passed Reggie Miller as the best bulk shooter from beyond the arc in the history of the NBA, so why not just call him "Bullseye."

Sure, it sounds a little lame and it is pretty obvious, but it gets the point across and it will forever remind everyone that he is one of the most accurate shooters the league has ever seen.

Manu Ginobili

This one floated around for a while after he swatted a bat out of the air, but I really think it should have stuck around longer. Calling Manu Ginobili “Batman” just sounds so cool to me.

It plays on the fact that he is elusive when he slips and slides into the lane and that when San Antonio called on him to be the star of its team with the decline of Tim Duncan, he didn't hesitate once.

Chris Paul

Chris Paul is most likely on the way out of New Orleans to be the centerpiece of a brand new team, especially if the NBA continues to claim ownership of the team.

That is why I want to call Chris Paul “The Cake,” because he will be the basic building block to any team, and anything you add around him will just be icing on "The Cake."

Paul Pierce

I really like Paul Pierce's nickname that he has right now because he really is "The Truth" in the NBA. I think it fits him perfectly, so I don't now how much better I did on this one.

However, because of his ties to his hometown that are always apparent, and the fact that he is truly the best Boston Celtic since Larry Bird I have to call Pierce "The Oakland Irishman."

Blake Griffin

I refuse to jump on the bandwagon of people trying to force a nickname onto Blake Griffin, and I truly feel that he isn't in need of one with the possibility of becoming known by one name like Madonna or Cher.

However, I would like to give a nickname to the whole Los Angeles Clippers team, with the young talent and style of play that accompanies a team led by one of the most dynamic players in years, I want to deem the Clippers “The Showtime Blakers.”

Kevin Love

He cleans the glass every time anyone smudges it with a missed shot, so Kevin Love has to be "The Janitor."

Besides the fact that he is an incredibly good rebounder—cleaning up the messes that his teammates make—he actually looks like a lot of janitors I have seen in my days. Now all we need to do is put him and Brian Cardinal ("The Custodian") into a room and let them fight it out to see who really is the ultimate cleaner.

Pau Gasol

As many people have said in the past, Pau Gasol looks like a llama. And to be more specific, he looks like the llama from The Emperor's New Groove.

So, as an homage to his llama-like visage and because I think it sounds pretty cool, I hereby declare that Pau Gasol be known as “The Emperor.”

Monta Ellis

Monta Ellis is one of the most explosive offensive threats in the NBA, able to score more than 30 points on any given night.

However, Ellis is not a great defender and is a liability at times on the defensive end, so I would like to call him “Silent D.”

Carmelo Anthony

All Carmelo Anthony wants to do is be a part of it, New York. If you weren't singing along in your best Frank Sinatra voice there then shame on you.

Anthony wanted desperately to come to New York City to play basketball, and he wanted to do it so bad that I just have to call him the "Basketball Frank Sinatra."

Deron Williams

Deron Williams has gone from Utah to New Jersey and will likely be on the move any time now because of the fact that he may not want to be on the Nets or that he may stay with them and end up moving to New York in 2012.

So, with his transient lifestyle and the fact that he won't be settled down for good until a few years from now, I have to call him “The Homeless Man.”

Dirk Nowitzki

It may not be the most masculine sounding nickname in the world, but after he put on a display in the NBA Finals with his one-legged shot I have decided to call Dirk Nowitzki "The Flamingo."

Now all we need to do is get him to dress in all pink and do his off-balance, one-legged routine and I would be just about the happiest man in the world.

Dwight Howard

After the famous Superman dunk in the Slam Dunk Contest a few years back, many people tried to jam the Superman moniker onto Dwight Howard, something I just won't stand for.

Shaquille O'Neal was a one-of-a-kind player, and just like Superman he is bound to sprout many imitators, which is why I'd rather call Howard "Captain Marvel."

Captain Marvel was able to do a lot of the same things as Superman, he just wasn't nearly as cool (like Dwight isn't nearly as cool as Shaq), and he just wasn't as good (ditto).

Derrick Rose

Derrick Rose threw his hat into the ring to be the best player in the NBA last season after his MVP season led the Chicago Bulls to the best record in the NBA.

Rose joined an elite list of players with the ability to take control of any game and just make it their own, therefore I'd like to call him the "New Kid on the Block."

LeBron James

Tell me this: What is so polarizing that it often sends any object in one direction or the other with no real in-between? A magnet, that's what.

And which superstar is so polarizing that he sends opinions about himself in one direction or the other with no real in-between? LeBron James, that's who.

So, from here on out I'll have to start calling LeBron James “The Magnet" because he both attracts media attention like no other and  is incredibly polarizing.

Dwyane Wade

Dwyane Wade is still the go-to-guy on the Miami Heat. LeBron James may very well be a better player, but it is still Wade's team.

Because of that, I have decided to call Dwyane Wade “The Leader of the Pack,” with his pack of cronies following him to Miami and following his lead more often than not on the basketball court.

Although, if we were talking about nicknames with Dwyane Wade I would much prefer that he bring back Flash, as I thought it was one of the coolest nicknames until he decided it was time to part ways with it.

Amar'e Stoudemire

A while back, it stunned me to hear that Amar'e Stoudemire was Jewish, a fact about himself I don't think that he plays up enough, especially considering the fact that he lives in a very highly populated Jewish city like New York.

Therefore I would like to start calling Amar'e Stoudemire “The Hebrew Hammer” in recognition of his Jewish-ness and his thunderous dunking ability.

Kevin Durant

We have already had a Chosen One with LeBron James in the past eight years, and so far that hasn't worked out great for our original Chosen One.

After the decision everyone was quick to anoint Kevin Durant the best option of a player to win a championship with, so I would like to give him the name “The Chosen Two.”

Kobe Bryant

One of my favorite developments in the past few years with Kobe Bryant in his successful years after the departure of Shaquille O'Neal was that weird underbite face that he puts on when he starts to slip into killer mode.

It is a ridiculous face and doesn't seem all that intimidating, but let him do what he will; but as long as he continues to make that face, I will be forced to call him “The Caveman.”