Classless Predictions: Back to The Future

Regular Season Results:
Jaded: 154-76
Indignant: 142-88
 
Indignant: So I was spurred on by director Kevin Smith’s great Podcast this week and asked many of my close friends and acquaintances a question about Time Travel. The hypothetical quandary that was posed by Mr. Smith and passed along by me was whether or not you would have a threesome with a significant other and yourself if Time Travel was possible. The details get pretty intricate but it’s needless to say that some like Jaded commented about it depending on who the girl was and others (who shall not be named) commented on how they’d do horrible things with themselves and have no shame or remorse. Either way, we began thinking about Time Travel quite a bit this week and thought we could incorporate it into our picks.

So let’s just pretend Doc Brown pulls up with the Delorian in front of the Wild Card Teams’ stadiums this week and says they have one trip to bring back whomever they’d like. . . 

Jaded:  Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.  (Look it up Google generation…)
 
Jets (9-7) @ Bengals (10-6)
Indignant: Both of these guys’ time travel situation are pretty easy to predict. It’s clear with the Jets that first off, Rex Ryan would have to send a representative since his fat ass isn’t fitting in a 2-door coupe. But as long as he doesn’t send Mark Sanchez himself, the person he does send is going to bring back a quarterback. Choices could include someone as far back as Namath and someone as recent as Favre from last year. We’ll assume though, that Namath is overrated; which he was and also that Favre is an awful awful person whom I don’t like writing about; which he is. So we’ll say they send Thomas Jones back to get Boomer Esiason. Mostly I’d like to predict this because it would also mean the current incarnation of Boomer would begin to disintegrate and thus we wouldn’t have to bear his awful announcing (Ba Da Chhh!!). The Bengals. Well the Bengals would clearly do something involving one of the people involved with their team who died this year. That’s a super bummer though. So let’s just say they go back and get Anthony Munoz to help block and whatnot. (I’ll take the Jets) 

Jaded:  As usual, Indignant makes a good point.  Also as usual, I have nothing relevant to add.  Instead I’ll do what I do best and piggy back his opinions.  Wasn’t Boomer also a Bengal at one point?  Come on, who wouldn’t want to see this happen JUST to see Rex Ryan trash talk Marvin Lewis as they fight over which team gets to use the Boomer this game?  Things could get ugly though, if you thought the Jets played dirty when courting wide receivers I’m sure you’d love seeing what they would do to recruit a former NFL MVP.  THIS is why we need a time machine.  On a semi more serious note, the Bengals would probably just go back in time and make sure Carson Palmer didn’t get hit low the last time they won the division in 2005 and ultimately lost in the first round.  More importantly, I honestly think Palmer could have been a GREAT NFL QB if that wouldn’t have happened to him.  Alas; JETS, BENGALS, NFL PLAYOFFS BABY!  (Anybody who said they saw this coming five months ago is lying to you…and they should be shot.)  (Bengals)

Eagles (11-5) @ Cowboys (11-5)
Indignant: There are a plethora of options for these guys. I think the Eagles would probably go back to the end of last year and not let Brian Dawkins leave. They have a great and explosive offense this year, but still haven’t had that impact play making guy on D that Dawkins used to be. The Cowboy could go in so many directions here. Obviously they have a large amount of guys they could bring back for help. I’ll make it simple but also interesting though. Let’s say they go back to that Seahawks game and just do whatever it takes to make sure Romo doesn’t blunder that snap. Maybe they make the Super Bowl that year, maybe they don’t. Either way Romo is a completely different guy in 2010; a guy with some real confidence and a real playoff game victory. ( Eagles) 
 
Jaded:  It’s nearly impossible to discuss time travel nowadays without referencing the bastardized version of nerdy time travel introduced by Ashton Kutcher a few years ago known as The Butterfly Effect.  The principle basically states that something as small as a butterfly flapping its’ wings can alter major events on the other side of the world.  It’s a cool theory…Ashton ruined it.  That said, I’m still taking Ashton’s version to make a point.  Let’s say Andy Reid could go back thirty years and maybe just MAYBE pass on seconds for a dessert as a teenager.  That one singular moment could change everything he was today.  He could have been skinny.  He could have been an offensive genius.  He could have been a doctor??  Nah, but maybe he could have won maybe TWO NFC Championships, maybe even won a Super Bowl.  Alright, all of that is stretching it, but let’s assume that maybe he would at least be competent and wouldn’t find himself with clubbing in his fingers as they cling to the challenge flag and banked time outs like they represented the last piece of pie.  The last piece of pie in the city.  The last piece of pie on Earth.  You get the point; he hangs on way too tight.  Here’s hoping he wanted to take his offense on the road to a warm place instead of playing in sub-zero Philly and tanked week 17.  (Eagles)
 
Ravens (9-7) @ Patriots (10-6)
Indignant: What’s that you say? The Patriots go back to the infamous 4th and 2 call? Nay I say, Nay! I think Tom Brady goes back and tells Asante Samuel that if he doesn’t drop that Eli Manning pass in the Super Bowl, he’ll let him bang Giselle. The Patriots are then 19-0 and this season isn’t really as vital to any of their legacies. Also this would mean Eli wouldn’t be a Super Bowl winner and wouldn’t have the biggest contract in the NFL and I wouldn’t want to gauge my eyes out with a spork every time I hear that those things are actually true. The Ravens probably have to go back and get a good QB right? I say Harbaugh apologizes to Flacco as he hops in with Doc Brown and goes back to get. . . Kyle Boller? Oh man, the Ravens have never really had a reliable passer. Are they allowed to go back to their pre-Ravens Browns era to get Kosar? Would it be worth it? I say they go back and get Eric Metcalf (the Devin Hester and Josh Cribbs of the early 90’s) from the Browns era and play him at receiver and let him return kicks. (Give me the Ravens) 
 
Jaded:  First of all, if Tom Brady could go back in time I’m pretty sure he’d just go back and remind Tom Coughlin that he had David Tyree on his roster.  Coughlin would have realized the clerical error, cut Tyree, and voila.  Regardless, I think the Ravens would probably go back to the beginning of this decade (when most of their defense was the same as it is today, mind you) and remind the world that they won a Super Bowl with Trent F’n Dilfer behind center.  They built the modern day mold for winning without a superstar signal caller and I think they might have also forgotten that.  Anyway, this game is too much fun, so I’m listing a bunch.  Here we go:

- Robert Kraft goes back to 2007 and puts a bullet between Bernard Pullium’s eyes.  Nothing else is going to stop him.  I’d say signing him would work, but do you really want this guy practicing against your offense everyday?
- Tom Brady goes back and asks Tiger Woods to be in his wedding.  Tiger needs a good role model.
- Joe Flacco goes back to The University of Pittburgh and lets them know this whole Tyler Palko thing might not be such a good idea.
- Bill Belichick goes back to his last contract signing and gives a BIG percentage to cancer research, the Special Olympic, or maybe just the Catholic Church.  Either way, this whole karma thing is really catching up to him.  Too bad Welker had to suffer.
- Ray Lewis goes back in time and finds God, saving a life and his own damnation…alright, I’m totally kidding about that one. (Patriots, I feel like going 0-4 this week)
 
 
Packers (11-5) @ Cards (10-6)
Indignant: Many of you would say “The Packers go back and keep Favre!” I say on the other hand “Favre is the Anti-Christ!” The Packers need to go back and get whatever O-lineman is the best in their long storied history and tell him to keep Rodgers clean no matter what. The Cardinals on the other hand; they give the time machine and everything in their history the finger. What are they going to do? Go back and get Larry Centers to play fullback? Only legitimate thing they could do would involve trying to get Boldin or Rogers-Cromartie healthy for this week. After thinking about it I realized Warner would hijack the Delorian and head back to the year 2 or 1 B.C. for obvious reasons. He was about 15 then, right? Ba Da Chhh! Ayyy Oh! (Packers)

Jaded:  Here’s something I bet nobody saw coming, I think the Packers would go back and do the unthinkable:  let Favre go a year earlier.  So many people forget that this is Aaron Rodgers’ second year as a starter, and soooo many people don’t realize every team left in the playoffs is easily beatable.  Would anybody be surprised to see the Packers and the Chargers in the Super Bowl?  What about the Jets and the Cowboys?  In my humble (read: expert) opinion this thing is wide open and a LITTLE bit more experience with this team in THIS setting might actually make the Packers the front runner.  Meh, who am I kidding, they’re going to lose to the Cards by 40 and I’m going to be forced to sit (read: drink) through a Ravens and Cardinals Super Bowl.  Give ME a time machine so I can skip ahead to the start of next year.  (Packers)