Joke-A-Thon: New York Giants vs. Dallas Cowboys

Let's get started, shall we?

“So Jerry, how are you feeling? Are you nervous? Are you excited? I’m asking because all of that plastic surgery makes it hard for me to tell.”

“Jerry, do you expect that this beautiful new stadium will inspire the Dallas Cowboys to continue their proud tradition of not winning playoff games?”

“Jerry, this new stadium has really softened your image with the fans. NBC just did a quick survey. We found that fans used to view you as very detestable. Now, they think of you as mildly despicable. Care to comment?”

8:01: My favorite thing about this new stadium is that crazy TV screen, which is the largest in the world. I would really love to see all the great Cowboy highlights on that screen like Emmitt Smith rushing for a touchdown, Troy Aikman throwing for a touchdown, and Michael Irvin snorting a line of coke off a stripper’s breast.

8:04: The game hasn’t started, so I’m watching the Emmys. Neil Patrick Harris is the host. He’s like that one cool gay guy everybody knows. And I’m not at all surprised that he’s gay. Believe me, if you agree to go by the name Doogie Howser, there’s a 99 percent chance you’re gayer than Lance Bass!

8:08: Here’s a fun fact about the new Cowboys Stadium. It’s the largest-domed stadium in the world. It seats more than 100,000 people. And it will be used to host big, heavily-attended events like the 2010 NBA All-Star Game, the 2011 Super Bowl, and the 2012 Kennedy Family Reunion.

8:15: President George W. Bush just threw the ceremonial coin toss. Good job, W. The only way this moment could be any more perfect is if somebody drops a Mission Accomplished banner from the ceiling!

8:20: Al Michaels just compared the new Cowboys Stadium to the old Roman Colosseum. Did Jerry Jones fleece the city of Rome to build that, too?

8:26: Best line of the night (so far) at the Emmys comes courtesy of Julia Louis-Dreyfus: “We’re honored to present...the last official year of broadcast TV.”

Well played, Elaine from Seinfeld. Well played.

8:28: Speaking of the Emmys, Jon Cryer just won best supporting actor for Two And A Half Men.

For those who’ve never seen it, its about three men (Magnum P.I., Sam from Cheers, and Mahoney from Police Academy) who try and raise a little girl and, wait, someone just interrupted me...

...apparently Two And A Half Men is a sitcom starring Charlie Sheen. Oh.  Whatever!

8:29: Speaking of the Emmys (again), snipers are in the balcony waiting to take out Kanye West if he interrupts Jon Cryer’s acceptance speech.

“JON, I’M HAPPY FOR YOU AND I’M GOING TO LET YOU FINISH, BUT THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR IS ONE OF THE FUNNIEST SITCOMS OF ALL TIME!”

8:44: John Madden is sitting next to President Bush up in a luxury suite.

How insane would it be if John Madden was our president? In fact, I can imagine his press conference going a little like this:

Reporter: “So Mr. President. What are your plans for the war in Afghanistan?”

“Well, we’re going to fly a few planes overhead and wait for the Taliban to show its face, then BOOM! And then our men on the ground are going to attack BOOM because their tough like tough-acting Tinactin. And then we’re going to bring in Brett Favre..."

8:48: Cowboy running backs Marion Barber, Felix Jones, and Tashard Choice are collectively known as a three-headed monster. If you want to see your own three-headed monster go to Taco Bell, order the chalupa, wait a couple of hours until you have to go to the bathroom, and...

8:52: Marion Barber scores the first touchdown at the JerryDome. 7-3, Cowboys.

9:03: Bruce Johnson just jumped in front of a terrible Tony Romo pass and returned it for a touchdown. 10-7, Giants.

9:06: Felix Jones fumbles the ball on the ensuing kickoff return. The Cowboys have now turned the ball over twice in a span of six seconds. 

9:09: