I'm a Washington Redskins fan, so naturally, I hate the Cowboys and the Giants. And because the Cowgirls are making their debut in that monstrosity of a stadium, I couldn't let Sunday night go by without doing a joke-a-thon!
Let's get started, shall we?
“So Jerry, how are you feeling? Are you nervous? Are you excited? I’m asking because all of that plastic surgery makes it hard for me to tell.”
“Jerry, do you expect that this beautiful new stadium will inspire the Dallas Cowboys to continue their proud tradition of not winning playoff games?”
“Jerry, this new stadium has really softened your image with the fans. NBC just did a quick survey. We found that fans used to view you as very detestable. Now, they think of you as mildly despicable. Care to comment?”
8:01: My favorite thing about this new stadium is that crazy TV screen, which is the largest in the world. I would really love to see all the great Cowboy highlights on that screen like Emmitt Smith rushing for a touchdown, Troy Aikman throwing for a touchdown, and Michael Irvin snorting a line of coke off a stripper’s breast.
8:04: The game hasn’t started, so I’m watching the Emmys. Neil Patrick Harris is the host. He’s like that one cool gay guy everybody knows. And I’m not at all surprised that he’s gay. Believe me, if you agree to go by the name Doogie Howser, there’s a 99 percent chance you’re gayer than Lance Bass!
8:08: Here’s a fun fact about the new Cowboys Stadium. It’s the largest-domed stadium in the world. It seats more than 100,000 people. And it will be used to host big, heavily-attended events like the 2010 NBA All-Star Game, the 2011 Super Bowl, and the 2012 Kennedy Family Reunion.
8:15: President George W. Bush just threw the ceremonial coin toss. Good job, W. The only way this moment could be any more perfect is if somebody drops a Mission Accomplished banner from the ceiling!
8:20: Al Michaels just compared the new Cowboys Stadium to the old Roman Colosseum. Did Jerry Jones fleece the city of Rome to build that, too?
8:26: Best line of the night (so far) at the Emmys comes courtesy of Julia Louis-Dreyfus: “We’re honored to present...the last official year of broadcast TV.”
Well played, Elaine from Seinfeld. Well played.
8:28: Speaking of the Emmys, Jon Cryer just won best supporting actor for Two And A Half Men.
For those who’ve never seen it, its about three men (Magnum P.I., Sam from Cheers, and Mahoney from Police Academy) who try and raise a little girl and, wait, someone just interrupted me...
...apparently Two And A Half Men is a sitcom starring Charlie Sheen. Oh. Whatever!
8:29: Speaking of the Emmys (again), snipers are in the balcony waiting to take out Kanye West if he interrupts Jon Cryer’s acceptance speech.
“JON, I’M HAPPY FOR YOU AND I’M GOING TO LET YOU FINISH, BUT THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR IS ONE OF THE FUNNIEST SITCOMS OF ALL TIME!”
8:44: John Madden is sitting next to President Bush up in a luxury suite.
How insane would it be if John Madden was our president? In fact, I can imagine his press conference going a little like this:
Reporter: “So Mr. President. What are your plans for the war in Afghanistan?”
“Well, we’re going to fly a few planes overhead and wait for the Taliban to show its face, then BOOM! And then our men on the ground are going to attack BOOM because their tough like tough-acting Tinactin. And then we’re going to bring in Brett Favre..."
8:48: Cowboy running backs Marion Barber, Felix Jones, and Tashard Choice are collectively known as a three-headed monster. If you want to see your own three-headed monster go to Taco Bell, order the chalupa, wait a couple of hours until you have to go to the bathroom, and...
8:52: Marion Barber scores the first touchdown at the JerryDome. 7-3, Cowboys.
9:03: Bruce Johnson just jumped in front of a terrible Tony Romo pass and returned it for a touchdown. 10-7, Giants.
9:06: Felix Jones fumbles the ball on the ensuing kickoff return. The Cowboys have now turned the ball over twice in a span of six seconds.
9:09: Did you know that the Cowboys just opened a new stadium tonight? I had no idea until Al Michaels just made his 41st reference to it!
9:26: Is it me or does Tom Coughlin have the single most evil-looking face in the entire NFL? I’m pretty sure it's because he doesn’t have any eyebrows. With a face like that, he ought to be stalking college coeds in bad horror movies directed by Rob Zombie.
9:27: I just decided that I’m going to wear a Tom Coughlin mask for Halloween.
9:28: Tony Romo just hit Jason Witten for a touchdown! Somewhere Terrell Owens is seething. 14-13, Cowboys.
9:35: Emmy update: Jessica Lange just won best lead actress for Grey Gardens, which to my surprise has nothing to do Betty White’s sex life!
9:49: Justin Tuck is injured after Flozell Adams intentionally trips him. Where the heck is the flag referee?
9:50: You know I really like the name Justin Tuck. It sounds like something naughty that you do to Betty White when the lights are off.
9:53: Tony Romo just threw a freaky interception that bounced off the back of Jason Witten’s foot and right into the hands of Giants safety Kenny Philips! Somewhere Terrell Owens is laughing his butt off. Grandpa Wade Phillips has a confused look on his face as if he just lost his car keys or something.
9:57: Giants wide receiver Mario Manningham made a spectacular catch in the end zone followed by a bunch of bad jokes from Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth about the new stadium. 20-14, Giants.
10:01: Michael Lombardi from the NFL Network just tweeted that this is the second straight week that Cowboys cornerback Terrence Newman has been beat vertically.
It could’ve been much worse. Newman could’ve gotten beat horizontally.
10:02: Al Michaels: “We don’t want to overdo the opening of the Cowboys Stadium.”
Al, you and Cris Collinsworth have made about 11,000 references to this new place in two hours. What could possibly give you that idea that you’re overdoing it?
10:06: First Plaxico Burress mention of the night comes from Cris Collinsworth. This reminds me of a Plaxico joke I told onstage last month.
“We all know the story about Plaxico Burress. He was in a club. He had a gun in his waistband. It slipped, the gun discharged and he shot himself in the leg. And now he’s going to prison. That’s a sad story, but there’s a silver lining to it. You know, usually when a brotha squeezes off a shot from between his legs, he doesn’t end up in prison. He ends up on the Maury Povich Show!”
10:07: Halftime. I will now switch to the Emmys.
10:23: Sarah McLachlan is singing 'I Will Remember You' during the “In Memoriam” portion of the Emmys. I hate her because every time I hear her sing I always feel guilty for not adopting a puppy.
10:23: They just showed a picture of Patrick Swayze and a picture of Michael Jackson while McLachlan was singing. It’s funny that they showed those guys back-to-back. It’s like they were saying: “Here’s a picture of the guy who played in Ghost. And here’s a picture of the guy who looked like Casper!”
10:30: Back to the game. The all-time attendance record for an NFL game is going, going, gone. Tonight’s crowd of 105,121 is the new record. Well, actually the number is 105,131 if you count former Cowboy Herschel Walker, who has multiple personality syndrome.
10:31: Speaking of former Cowboys, Barry Switzer wanted to come tonight, but he couldn’t because Jerry Jones refused to pay his bus fare.
Nate Newton is another ex-Cowboy who couldn’t make it. Apparently, he couldn’t fit all of his marijuana into the new stadium.
And Pacman Jones sends his regards. He wanted to come, but he had already promised his buddies that he would pistol-whip a stripper tonight!
10:41: A pass interference call on the Cowboys has the home crowd booing and Grandpa Wade Phillips has that confused look on his face again.
WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP HIM FIND HIS DAMN CAR KEYS!
10:48: We’ve been waiting and finally Felix Jones rips off a 58-yard run. I like Felix a lot. I haven’t seen a guy from Arkansas this shifty since Bill Clinton!
10:51: Cowboys offensive coordinator Jason Garrett lines 'em up in a four wide receiver set on the goal line and calls a QB sneak for Tony Romo. Great call. 24-20, Cowboys.
11:00: Turnover-fest 2009 continues as Jake Delhomme, er, Tony Romo throws his third interception of the night!
11:01: Romo just threw his helmet in disgust.
11:02: Before it could hit the ground, Romo’s helmet was intercepted by the Giants and returned for a touchdown!
11:05: LBJ is in da house! No, not the dead Texan who was once president. I’m talking about LeBron James!
11:07: WOW! Giants wide receiver Steve Smith just made a sick double move and caught a TD pass from Eli Manning! 27-24, Giants.
11:08: I just came up with a new slogan for the next Geico commercial:
“Scoring a touchdown against the Cowboys secondary is so easy a caveman can do it!”
11:11: Emmy update: Mad Men just won for best drama. And in other shocking news, conservative Republicans hate Barack Obama!
11:12: In honor of Mad Men winning best drama, I’ve decided that tomorrow I’m going to smoke a bunch of cigarettes and say degrading things to women.
11:20: Michael Strahan just said this about Cowboys offensive lineman Flozell Adams (via Twitter):
“Flozell is known to trip people when he’s beat. NFL needs to fine him to stop that. Can hurt somebody which he already did.”
11:21: This is the tweet I sent back to Strahan:
“Your new FOX comedy Brothers looks so unfunny I’m surprised Tyler Perry didn’t produce it.”
11:29: After a spectacular run by Marion Barber, Felix Jones scores. 31-30, Cowboys.
11:40: There’s a minute left, the Giants are driving, and the ‘Boys are in that awful prevent defense. What are the odds that Eli drives them down for the winning field goal?
11:42: “Super” Mario Manningham just made his 10th catch of the night off a deflected pass. Mario’s numbers for the night: 10 catches, 149 yards, and a TD.
11:43: That crashing noise you hear is the sound of fantasy football players across the nation scrambling to their computers to add “Super” Mario to their rosters!
11:44: After Eli casually drove the Giants down to field goal range, Lawrence Tynes is coming on for the winning kick.
11:45: Grandpa Wade Phillips calls a timeout a millisecond before the ball is snapped, giving Lawrence Tynes what amounts to a practice kick.
11:45: “HEY ROGER GOODELL, IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK YOU TO PUT A STOP TO THIS STUPID RULE THAT ALLOWS COACHES TO CALL TIMEOUTS LIKE THIS?”
11:46: Lawrence Tynes easily nails the game-winning kick. Ballgame. G-Men win a wild one, 33-31.
Cowboy fans, the reason why you will never succeed with Grandpa Phillips is personified to perfection with his terrible body language after Tynes hit that field goal.
Would you ever see Bill Belichick or Bill Parcells or Bill Cowher EVER react that way? Does anybody on that Cowboys team have 100 percent confidence in him? God, I hope not!
11:47: 105,000 Cowboy fans are solemnly walking out of JerryDome and toward their pickup trucks. The camera pans to Jerry Jones sitting in his luxury suite. He’s just sitting there, emotionless.
Then again, that’s probably just the Botox!