"Americans, friends, let's take a few moments to look back on the last three years since you voted me to the highest office in the land, over Peyton Manning.
As a nation, we have defeated terrorism, disease, and poverty. We have solved the health care problem—boy was that one easy—and balanced the national budget.
Along with my Secretary of State Bill Belichick, I have freed America from alliances with foreign nations that forced us into war in the past.
Actually, within the next few weeks, Vice-President Moss will finalize a deal with the nations of the world to solve all the issues in the Middle East, make cheap oil available to each and every citizen of our world, and end war for the next 1,000 years.
On the domestic front, I want to thank every single one of you for voting positively on my "Bruschi Bill," which ended the so-called "Pussification" of this great country.
Due to this landmark piece of legislation, Americans can no longer act like infant children. If you make a mistake, own up to it—if you aren't good enough for something, you sit out.
If you lose, there is a reason other than an excuse. You get the point.
Not since the days of the Great Depression and World War II has our country been so tough and so strong.
If you'll briefly excuse me, I would like to make a quick remark on my son, John Edward Thomas. Young J.E.T. just led our Michigan Wolverines to the National Championship with a win in the playoff finals—thank God that Mr. Kraft stepped up to the plate and demanded that college football's champion be decided through a playoff.
I'm honored that my son led my alma mater to the first championship under the new system. I only wish Mr. Kraft were here to see it.
In closing, I can say with complete honesty that America today is the best nation in the world. It is similar to when I came to the Patriots back in 2000, and we changed the nature of one of the worst franchises in all of sports.
I remember, after winning Super Bowl L in 2016—our sixth Super Bowl—thinking how We, the Patriots, could fix America. We have done it in the same manner with which we conquered the NFL: through a total team effort that leaves no room for weakness or excuses.
As we move forward, and the 2028 election grows closer, I will close with a remark that came to mind the other day:
When we played the old New York Jets—you kids today know them as the London Bombers—during our fourth Super Bowl season in 2007, there was a lot of talk about us running up the score because Eric Mangini had ratted out coach...err, Secretary Belichick (I can't believe I still slip up and call him coach) and said we were cheating.
Remember what our response was? We never made an excuse. We romped through the NFL proving our greatness, and won the Super Bowl.
We weren't running up the score—we were just better, and we let our actions speak for us.
Citizens of America, that is what our country has been doing since you elected me three years ago—and that is the course upon which things shall continue as long as I—or when he replaces me in 2032, Matt Cassel—am your President.
Thank you.
As for the picks (All are against the spread)...
HOUSTON (+3) over Denver
SAN FRANCISCO (+10) over Cincinnati
NEW ORLEANS (-4.5) over Arizona
Atlanta (+15) over TAMPA BAY
Baltimore (-4.5) over MIAMI (LOCK OF THE WEEK)
CLEVELAND (-5) over Buffalo
Green Bay (-10) over ST. LOUIS
Jacksonville (+3.5) over PITTSBURGH
PATRIOTS (-23) over NY Jets
Seattle (-9) over CAROLINA
KANSAS CITY (+4.5) over Tennessee
Indianapolis (-11.5) over OAKLAND
SAN DIEGO (-10) over Detroit
DALLAS (-11.5) over Philadelphia
NY GIANTS (-6) over Washington
Chicago (+11) over MINNESOTA
Last Week: 8-6
Season: 100-83-6
Lock of the Week: 8-6
4 comments Last one added about 1 year ago — Leave a Comment
Joshua Shive about 1 year ago
Hahaha i would have to say that was pretty damn funny.
Edit Comment Cancel
Patrick Houston about 1 year ago
Is this author of this article the coach of the Florida Gators basketball team? LOL same name
Edit Comment Cancel
Zander Freund about 1 year ago
The Patriots would indeed make fine leaders of this country.
With Belichick doing the intelligence work, I'm sure the terrorists' secrets would be pretty much ours. He would show no mercy, running up the score every chance he got. For those who thought waterboarding was inhumane, wait till you see how these guys in Guantanamo will look when Belichick gets done with em'...
In addition, by the year 2027, many of the world's leaders are likely to be women, and I'm sure Tom Brady would have no trouble in wooing them to follow our lead.
"Mrs. __________, tear down these pants."
In all seriousness, hilarious article Billy...
Edit Comment Cancel
Bridget Moynahan about 1 year ago
You're telling me the Patriots will win this year's Super Bowl, another in 2016, but only one in between? Why, this post is pure fiction! I say, pure fiction, I say!
Edit Comment Cancel
Leave a Comment
You must register to post a comment.