Super Bowl XLIV: Four Scenarios for Media Day

Right, fast forward to the scene in Miami in a week or so's time. It's media week, and everyone from the Brazilian TV station who doesn't know crap about football to ESPN to Sports Illustrated are fighting each other to get the biggest and best interview.

Anyway, we've thought of a few scenarios for media day. We hope you like them.

The Hall of Fame Media Day: Indianapolis Colts vs. Minnesota Vikings

Peyton Manning and Brett Favre face up for the game of a lifetime. Peyton Manning, owner of four NFL MVP awards and one big fat ring, could retire tomorrow and still make the Hall of Fame. No one knows who's retiring yet—and after both quarterbacks' performances against the New York Jets and New Orleans Saints respectively, it probably won't be anytime soon.

Everyone keeps asking Brett if he's going to retire and everyone keeps asking Peyton whether he thinks Brett's going to retire. Peyton gets bored, and starts burning a statue. "Don't worry, it's not Brett," he says. "It's Lane Kiffin."

Also involved in the media day shenanigans are future Hall of Famers Reggie Wayne, Adrian Peterson (if he can stop dropping the damned ball), and Dallas Clark, and some brilliant young players, including Sidney Rice, Austin Collie, and Pierre Garcon.

Garcon uses the media opportunity—quite rightly—to promote the Haiti disaster. The journos pitch in $20 each to interview Garcon, and Haiti raises over $2,000.

The "Oldie Versus Rookie" Media Day: New York Jets vs. Minnesota Vikings

Aged warrior Brett Favre manages to surpass even the heady bullshit spoken in the NFC Championship win in New Orleans and now he's facing up against the young pretender—Mark Sanchez. Sanchez, the smiling kid, nicely explains he didn't get paid to play at USC and how he's always looked up to Brett Favre.

People also crowd 'round Darrelle Revis, who shut down Reggie Wayne in the AFC title game. "Sidney, Sidney, Sidney," he says, then Rex Ryan shuts him down with a quote of the century by guaranteeing the title.

Joe Namath potters around and everything thanks God that he's now sober. He doesn't want to kiss anyone on the sideline now.

The "We Played for Pete Carroll (and Other Schools, Too)" Media Day: New Orleans Saints vs. New York Jets

After blowing out the Vikings, the Saints fans are out to party, and Drew Brees is looking a little worse for wear after spending the previous week celebrating with drive-through daiquiris in the great state of Louisiana.

Reggie Bush, who managed to put up a sprightly 200 yards of total offense against the Vikings, steps on and is immediately bombarded by questions about agents, USC, and Pete Carroll.

He leaves after a minute.

Drew Brees tells everyone he thinks Brett Favre should be in the Hall of Fame, but adds: "The Cardinals could do with a QB." Suddenly Arizona's the place to be for Brett Favre "Will he, won't he?" questions. Au revoir, Kurt Warner. Oh, and some kid called Revis is offering to shut down a couple of nightclubs in Miami after the Jets' Super Bowl victory.

Shonn Greene gets woefully ignored by the media. It's not that he's not a very good running back, he's just really freaking short, so he disappears behind one of the diases.

The "Explosive" Media Day: Indianapolis Colts vs. New Orleans Saints

Having overdone the word "high-octane" to describe the offenses of the Colts and the Saints, we're all getting a little bored with TV guys using the word "explosive," too. The media is secretly hoping that Peyton Manning and Drew Brees will look at each other and say: "Hey dude, you can ****ing throw!", because otherwise, we're all getting a little bored in the Florida sun...and it's only 10 AM!

Chris Berman shows up on media day, says absolutely nothing special (as usual)—except he cries a little that his Buffalo Bills didn't make the Show (and T.O. didn't show up) this year.

He gets a standing ovation for nothing in particular.

Reggie Bush cries a little because one reporter decided to stop asking about USC and instead ask about his "intimate time" with girlfriend Kim Kardashian.

"They are great," he espouses. "Even better than the time I had during my time at USC."

Then the reporter mentions Vince Young.

"Who's a better NFL player, him or me?" Reggie says. Then he walks off when the reporter says: "Well, none of you has really proven yourself yet, but at least you're better than Leinart."