So, basically, what I learned this weekend is that the NFL cannot compare to college football. Not a great hook to keep you NFL fans reading, right?
Well the two would be a lot closer if I didn’t wake up Sunday to the biggest horror story in the history of our planet Earth.
No, I didn’t have a skull-rattling hangover. No, my legs weren’t sore from jumping over the 20-foot fence onto the field Saturday night. And no, no douche-bag teenagers smashed our pumpkins or egged my house.
Why was Sunday so bad? The last several weeks, the NFL Red Zone channel, God's greatest creation, had been mysteriously been working. In HD. At first, I thought it was just a one week trial.
But come the next Sunday it was still there. And then the next one. And then another. Seven straight Sundays! I thought my Guardian Angel was watching over me.
So when I woke up, albeit at 1:30 PM, I expected to walk to my living room, check my fantasy team, and turn on the Red Zone Channel. In HD. But that did not happen. Instead, a simple “channel not authorized” messaged displayed on the screen.
You know in movies, when a character screams and they zoom out attempting to show that the entire world can hear his cries (eg: Eurotrip , when Scotty wakes up after the party)? Well, that was me, except not as loud, or silent. I don’t remember. I was too angry.
On to the rankings.
32 (31) – Buccaneers
It was a bad week for Tampa—and they didn’t even play. First they get called out by Tatum Bell of the UFL’s Florida Tuskers, who said they would beat the Bucs “handily,” and then they see the only other remaining winless teams pick up their first victories.
I wonder it Bell knows that his quarterback, Craig Nall, is most famous for being Brett Favre’s backup. The only time he ever played was in Madden . But they probably still could beat Tampa.
31 (30) – Browns
Cleveland once again got demolished. And to rub salt in the wound, has-been running back Jamal Lewis said he plans to retire after the season. What will Browns ever do to replace their overweight, slow, injured, and flat out not good running back?
30 (32) – Rams
Isn’t it kind of sad that the Rams poured the Gatorade cooler on Steve Spagnuolo after getting their first win in Week Eight? They must have really thought they weren’t going to win again the rest of the way. And by the way, shouldn’t there be some sort of rule that you can’t pour Gatorade on your coach unless you win something of importance? Beating the Lions in November doesn’t really qualify.
29 (29) – Chiefs
I can only imagine what Larry Johnson’s apology would sound like: “I apologize for using the term 'f-g.' I intended to use 'f-ggot', but Twitter has a character limit.”
28 (26) – Lions
Back to our good friend, ESPN’s Jeffri Chadiha, for an update on what the loss to the Rams means for Detroit: “A loss to St. Louis is a step in the wrong direction.” And now here’s Ollie Williams with the black-u-weather forecast...
27 (28) – Raiders
The only thing sadder than JaMarcus Russell’s performance (109 yards, no TDs, an INT, and five sacks) is that after the game he told reporters he thought he “played pretty good.” If that’s good, then what was he expecting?
26 (24) – Redskins
No point preparing for what will surely be a loss in Atlanta, so Sherm Lewis rounded up his Hogs and headed out to the old folk’s home for a scintillating week of Bingo. I’ve heard there are quite a few prestigious Bingo tournaments in the DC area.
25 (27) – Titans
This Sunday will be a highly anticipated matchup of two former top-three overall picks who sucked for years before getting benched but then got the starting job handed back to them become the replacement sucked even worse: Alex Smith vs. Vince Young. Now here’s a story to tell your grandchildren.
24 (25) – Panthers
I could have sworn that I saw Kurt Warner and Jake Delhomme switch uniforms before kickoff.
23 (23) – Seahawks
I’m still debating with clip is funnier, the Coor’s light version of Jim Mora’s “playoffs” rant of the real press conference . I wonder if the junior Jim Mora ever shows either to his team for comic relief.
22 (22) – Bills
There goes Ryan Fitzpatrick’s five-game winning streak as a starter.
21 (21) – Jaguars
The only thing tougher than getting the Jaguars to play good football will be for Jacksonville to avoid a blackout against the Chiefs. This could be a long week for the marketing department.
20 (20) – Dolphins
Here’s ESPN’s Michael Clayton trying to be funny: “After a week in which Ted Ginn was grim, his two kickoff returns for touchdowns have Dolphins fans wearing grins.” Cute, Michael, very cute.
19 (17) – Jets
Hey Rex Ryan, never go full retard.
18 (18) – 49ers
Finally the 49ers are showing signs of being a good football team. The bad news? They still lost and are now 3-4. The good news? They are in the NFC West, and are only one game back because the Cardinals lost to Jake Delhomme’s Panthers.
17 (13) – Cardinals
The only thing more embarrassing than Kurt Warner’s five interceptions is that they didn’t even pick off Jake Delhomme once. I mean, how hard can it be? Even Tampa Bay picked him off twice.
16 (19) – Bears
Three of their four wins have come against Seattle, Detroit and Cleveland. Not a good sign when they still have to play contenders in seven of their next nine games.
15 (15) – Chargers
Fox Sports’ Adrian Hasenmayer actually writes good team summaries. Read and learn, ESPN: “It was kind of like "Old Timers' Day" for the Chargers last week, with LT scoring twice (just TDs No. 2 and 3 for him this season) and Shawne Merriman notching his first two sacks of 2009.”
14 (16) – Texans
This is the first time in the history of the Texans that they are two games over .500. It really is too bad they have to play at Indy next week.
13 (7) – Giants
Eli, don’t try to be a tough guy and play through the injury. Be the pussycat you are, sit out a few weeks, and then go back to be the same old overpaid, overrated, mediocre quarterback you usually are.
12 (12) – Falcons
If only Michael Turner and Matt Ryan could show up at the same time. Just as Turner has finally started to get hot, Ryan is now ice cold. And Ryan’s stat line would have looked much worse if it weren’t for Roddy White’s manhandling of Jabari Greer for a 68-yard touchdown.
11 (11) – Packers
Aaron Rodgers is like a Bugatti Veyron on the Pacific Coast Highway at 4:30 on a Friday afternoon: absolutely worthless.
10 (14) – Cowboys
Don’t look now but Tony Romo is on pace for 4,400 yards and a 26:8 touchdown to interception ratio.
9 (10) – Eagles
I guess Philadelphia was a little angry about losing to the Raiders last week. I couldn’t be happier that they took it out on Eli and the Giants.
8 (8) – Bengals
Best athlete tweet of the week goes to (who else?) Chad Ochocinco: “@BritneySpears Britney are you still looking for a back up dancer, there might be a lockout in 2011, my number is the same, call me.”
7 (6) – Steelers
Huge game at Denver this Sunday. This contest will go a long way in deciding the AFC hierarchy for the rest of the season.
6 (9) – Ravens
And Jeffri Chadiha is back, this time with the “stating the obvious” quote of the week: “They're celebrating a big victory over Denver, breaking a three-game losing streak.” Oh my god, I had no idea!
5 (4) – Broncos
That was Kyle Orton’s first game all season under 10 fantasy points. Seriously. Kyle Orton.
4 (5) – Patriots
Bill Belichick’s eyes must have lit up like Christmas lights when he found this out: The Patriots are the only team in the league with each of the NFL’s remaining two undefeated teams left on its schedule. I think they take down at least one.
3 (3) – Vikings
John Madden must have had a three-hour long boner from watching Brett Favre play on Sunday. Who needs Viagra when you have Brett Favre? John Madden, that’s for sure.
2 (2) – Colts
The more I think about it the more this Colts team reminds me of the 2007 Patriots. And I don’t like it. The only that comforts me is that Indy’s competition is right up there with the Big Ten’s non-conference schedule. I can’t wait for Colts-Patriots in two weeks.
1 (1) – Saints
New Orleans doesn’t play another team with a winning record until a monster Monday Night showdown against the Patriots in Week 12. Why do I relate everything back to the Patriots? That Tom Brady sure is a good-looking guy. And he’s from San Mateo.
The UO Sports Dude