Rocky Mountain Blues: The Ultimate Denver Is Doomed Article (Satire)

Randy GarciaAnalyst IJuly 1, 2009

ENGLEWOOD, CO - MAY 03:  Head coach Josh McDaniels of the Denver Broncos chats with running back LaMont Jordan #32 during minicamp at the Broncos training facility on May 3, 2009 in Englewood, Colorado.  (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

Given all of the drama surrounding the Denver Broncos this off-season, it comes as no surprise that there have been a flurry of articles predicting a disastrous season for that team.  There have, in fact, been so many articles that it has started to become obvious that the writers of these pieces are having trouble thinking up new material. Fortunately I am here to help with a few suggestions.


Josh McDaniels has destroyed the team.

Before this offseason, Denver was a football paradise.  Under Mike Shanahan, the Broncos were so dominant that they lost games just to encourage their opponents.  Their opponents needed increasing amounts of encouragement.

Pat Bowlen became so bored with the everyday perfection of the Bronco team that he snuck up behind Coach Mike Shanahan while he was watching a play at Ford Theater and shot him in the head.  Later it was proved that Bowlen had been hypnotized by Bill Belichick.

Then Bill Belichick secretly infiltrated the crafty Josh McDaniels into the situation to further destroy the most amazing team ever. Bowlen, who was still under hypnosis, was made to hire McDaniels and act like a chicken whenever he saw John Madden. This explains why you never see Bowlen and Madden together.

McDaniels’ first step was to call the Bronco star quarterback, Jay Cutler, and tell him that he would be required to do musical theater in Boise, ID during the offseason. He then leaked a story about what a wonderful singer and actor Matt Cassel was.

After Cutler left in tears, McDaniels called Brandon Marshall and told him the police were looking for him. Marshall fled to Florida and hid under his mother’s bed.

As the final part of McDaniels’ master plan, he brought in a bunch of proven veterans and promising young players and made them compete for jobs.


Jay Cutler was replaced by Kyle Orton

After the hiring of Josh McDaniels, Jay Cutler was traded to the Chicago Bears. Jay Cutler was the only player on the Denver Broncos roster. A little known fact is that Denver was actually built by Jay Cutler while he was attending Pro Bowl games as a fetus.

It is a well known fact that John Elway only won his Super Bowls because he was actually Jay Cutler. Cutler was such a good quarterback that he often completed passes for both teams. 

When Cutler was traded to Chicago, everyone in Denver tried to shoot each other but they all missed because Jay Cutler was the only guy in Denver that could hit anything.

Cutler was traded to the Chicago Bears for an armless, legless man named Kyle Orton who used to ring the church bells at Purdue. His scouting report said, “We don’t know who this guy is but his face sure rings a bell.”


Brandon Marshall holds out

Brandon Marshall, the only other player for the Denver Broncos, decided that while he was hiding under his mother’s bed, he should ask for more money. Everybody laughed.



Kyle Orton will be mistaken for a tackling dummy and killed by his own team. Orton’s brother, who patterned his life after Kyle, will, upon hearing the news, throw himself from the church tower at Purdue. The obituary will read, “…he was a dead ringer for his brother.”

His backup, Chris Simms, will gradually lose all his internal organs during the season.

Brandon Marshall’s apparent longest touchdown of the season will be called back when referees realize that he didn’t catch the ball but instead caught Chris Simms left kidney.

The Raiders will still finish last in the division.