The 2009 NFL Draft in Bizarro
With everyone going nuts over the upcoming draft this weekend I decided to have some fun with the process. While it is interesting to research the value of each player and then try to match it with the needs of each team, I thought it would feel less bureaucratic if someone can just have some fun with the whole process. That is the goal here.
That being said: Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you with the Bizarro 2009 NFL Mock Draft (for Round 1):
The Lions shock the world by drafting Brian Orakpo No.1. Orakpo signs right before the draft and commits to a contract with $35 million in guaranteed money.
St. Louis passes on Michael Crabtree (who is currently injured) and they draft Aaron Curry
Kansas City Chiefs:
The Chiefs, after being unable to negotiate a trade with the Lions, draft the next best End they could get, B.J. Raji - who immediately becomes the "Next Warren Sapp"
Draft Matthew Stafford, tries to trade him to Detroit for Brian Orakpo but after failing signs him to a ridiculously generous contract with $45 million in guarantees
Draft Michael Crabtree after being unable to reach an agreement with Jason Smith
Unbelievably overjoyed, the Bengals draft Jason Smith to protect Golden Boy 2.0, Carson Palmer
Surprisingly, the Raiders draft Jeremy Maclin - Maclin proceeds to holdout until week 9.
Unable to acquire Maclin, the Jaguars pickup Aaron Maybin
Green Bay Packers:
Reach a deal with the Carolina Panthers and shock the world by trading away the ninth pick this year, a first round pick in 2010 and a fifth round pick in 2010 for Julius Peppers. With the ninth pick, the Panthers draft Mark Sanchez
San Francisco 49ers:
The 9ers are very comfortable and happy drafting Eugene Monroe with the tenth pick as they look to bring in Michael Vick. Alex Smith is motivated and vows to win the starting job in camp.
Unable to trade for Eugene Monroe, pick up Andre Smith
McDaniels continues with the Belichick method and picks up Clay Matthews in the draft
Super happy and overjoyed to pick up Ray Maualuga
New Orleans Saints:
Without blinking, the Saints make Knowshon Moreno the first RB picked in the draft. Reggie Bush attends the Draft (with Miss "Fat Ass" herself) and brandishes a "Shon & Reggie, the Dynamic Duo" jersey. Drew Brees is shown crying tears of joy in the background while his wife helps him with his composure.
Draft Michael Oher with no hesitation. They could not believe he was still available this late in the draft
San Diego Chargers:
Never one to shy away from some controversy, draft Hakeem Nicks
New York Jets:
Surprisingly makes a trade with the Denver Broncos for Kyle Orton and a 4th round pick next year. McDaniels then drafts Josh Freeman
Denver Broncos (NY Jets):
Jets pick up Darrius Heyward-Bey to the screams of J-E-T-S! JETS! JETS! JETS!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
Bucs are happy to pick up Malcolm Jenkins with the 19th pick in the draft
Lions draft Tyson Jackson from LSU with the 20th pick after failing to reach a trade agreement with the Jets for the 17th pick.
Eagles are overjoyed to draft Donald Brown this late in the draft
Vikings pick up James Laurinaitis after failing to reach a trade with the Denver Broncos for the 18th pick
New England Patroits:
Shock the world by drafting Pat White
The Falcons are thrilled to pick up Brandon Pettigrew this late in the first Round. Matt Ryan proceeds to dance a jig, Roddy White cuts his braids as a result of losing a bet to Ryan.
Dolphins draft the best guy available, Robert Ayers
Ravens stick it to the Steelers by drafting Vontae Davis - (this pick virtually helps the Ravens win the AFC North)
Peyton Manning and the Colts are so ecstatic to sign Percy Harvin this late in the Draft.
Bills pick up Louis Delmas
New York Giants:
The G men, to no surprise, draft the venerable, and very well polished, Brian Robiskie. Robiskie immediately supersedes Derek Jeter as the "Ladies Man" of the Big Apple. Megan Fox immediately places a phone call and the Giants never look back.
Titans pick up Everette Brown
Cardinals pick up Eben Britton
The Pittsburgh Steelers:
The black and gold address their offensive line need by drafting Alex Mack
And so concludes the Bizarro NFL Draft. I CAN NOT WAIT to read your comments. Putting this list together I can definitely see why it is so much fun to speculate on who goes where this weekend. Let me know which picks you really like and which ones "Grind your gears".
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