The 2009 NFL Draft in Bizarro

Bobby A. DruittContributor IApril 22, 2009

AUSTIN, TX - SEPTEMBER 20:  Defensive end Brian Orakpo #98 of the Texas Longhorns celebrates after sacking quarterback Chase Clement #16 of the Rice Owls in the fourth quarter on September 20, 2008 at Darrell K Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium in Austin, Texas.  Texas won 52-10.  (Photo by Brian Bahr/Getty Images)

With everyone going nuts over the upcoming draft this weekend I decided to have some fun with the process.  While it is interesting to research the value of each player and then try to match it with the needs of each team, I thought it would feel less bureaucratic if someone can just have some fun with the whole process.  That is the goal here.

That being said: Ladies and Gentlemen, I present you with the Bizarro 2009 NFL Mock Draft (for Round 1):

Detroit Lions:
The Lions shock the world by drafting Brian Orakpo No.1.  Orakpo signs right before the draft and commits to a contract with $35 million in guaranteed money.

St. Louis:
St. Louis passes on Michael Crabtree (who is currently injured) and they draft Aaron Curry

Kansas City Chiefs:
The Chiefs, after being unable to negotiate a trade with the Lions, draft the next best End they could get, B.J. Raji - who immediately becomes the "Next Warren Sapp"

Seattle Seahawks:
Draft Matthew Stafford, tries to trade him to Detroit for Brian Orakpo but after failing signs him to a ridiculously generous contract with $45 million in guarantees

Cleveland Browns:
Draft Michael Crabtree after being unable to reach an agreement with Jason Smith

Cincinnati Bengals:
Unbelievably overjoyed, the Bengals draft Jason Smith to protect Golden Boy 2.0, Carson Palmer

Oakland Raiders:
Surprisingly, the Raiders draft Jeremy Maclin - Maclin proceeds to holdout until week 9.

Jacksonville Jaguars:
Unable to acquire Maclin, the Jaguars pickup Aaron Maybin

Green Bay Packers:
Reach a deal with the Carolina Panthers and shock the world by trading away the ninth pick this year, a first round pick in 2010 and a fifth round pick in 2010 for Julius Peppers.  With the ninth pick, the Panthers draft Mark Sanchez

San Francisco 49ers:
The 9ers are very comfortable and happy drafting Eugene Monroe with the tenth pick as they look to bring in Michael Vick.  Alex Smith is motivated and vows to win the starting job in camp.

Buffalo Bills:
Unable to trade for Eugene Monroe, pick up Andre Smith

Denver Broncos:
McDaniels continues with the Belichick method and picks up Clay Matthews in the draft

Washington Redskins:
Super happy and overjoyed to pick up Ray Maualuga

New Orleans Saints:
Without blinking, the Saints make Knowshon Moreno the first RB picked in the draft.  Reggie Bush attends the Draft (with Miss "Fat Ass" herself) and brandishes a "Shon & Reggie, the Dynamic Duo" jersey.  Drew Brees is shown crying tears of joy in the background while his wife helps him with his composure.

Houston Texans:
Draft Michael Oher with no hesitation.  They could not believe he was still available this late in the draft

San Diego Chargers:
Never one to shy away from some controversy, draft Hakeem Nicks

New York Jets:
Surprisingly makes a trade with the Denver Broncos for Kyle Orton and a 4th round pick next year.  McDaniels then drafts Josh Freeman

Denver Broncos (NY Jets):
Jets pick up Darrius Heyward-Bey to the screams of J-E-T-S! JETS! JETS! JETS!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers:
Bucs are happy to pick up Malcolm Jenkins with the 19th pick in the draft

Detroit Lions:
Lions draft Tyson Jackson from LSU with the 20th pick after failing to reach a trade agreement with the Jets for the 17th pick.

Philadelphia Eagles:
Eagles are overjoyed to draft Donald Brown this late in the draft

Minnesota Vikings:
Vikings pick up James Laurinaitis after failing to reach a trade with the Denver Broncos for the 18th pick

New England Patroits:
Shock the world by drafting Pat White

Atlanta Falcons:
The Falcons are thrilled to pick up Brandon Pettigrew this late in the first Round.  Matt Ryan proceeds to dance a jig, Roddy White cuts his braids as a result of losing a bet to Ryan.

Miami Dolphins:
Dolphins draft the best guy available, Robert Ayers

Baltimore Ravens:
Ravens stick it to the Steelers by drafting Vontae Davis - (this pick virtually helps the Ravens win the AFC North)

Indianapolis Colts:
Peyton Manning and the Colts are so ecstatic to sign Percy Harvin this late in the Draft.

Buffalo Bills:
Bills pick up Louis Delmas

New York Giants:
The G men, to no surprise, draft the venerable, and very well polished, Brian Robiskie.  Robiskie immediately supersedes Derek Jeter as the "Ladies Man" of the Big Apple.  Megan Fox immediately places a phone call and the Giants never look back.

Tennessee Titans:
Titans pick up Everette Brown

Arizona Cardinals:
Cardinals pick up Eben Britton

The Pittsburgh Steelers:
The black and gold address their offensive line need by drafting Alex Mack

And so concludes the Bizarro NFL Draft.  I CAN NOT WAIT to read your comments.  Putting this list together I can definitely see why it is so much fun to speculate on who goes where this weekend.  Let me know which picks you really like and which ones "Grind your gears". 



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