As we welcome trick-or-treaters to our home before this evening's Monday Night Football game between the San Diego Chargers and Kansas City Chiefs, it's only fitting that I share my top 10 frightening moments of the 2011 NFL season.
How scary, downright eerie, troubling and annoying would it be:
10. If the Washington Redskins offensive line (after allowing nine sacks yesterday to an average Buffalo Bills defensive front) fails to improve by next week. Then, Rex Grossman would be back as the starter in D.C. because current QB John Beck would probably be physically unable to perform.
9. If Kim Kardashian married then quickly filed for divorced against an NFL tight end, running back or cornerback instead of a currently unemployed, marginal NBA power forward. Then, football fans would be even more ridiculously exposed to the beautifully inane reality television personality than they already are.
8. If more NFL centers hiked the football like the Philadelphia Eagles' Jason Kelce. Then, more NFL injuries would likely occur, especially among those players diving into a scrum to retrieve fumbles resulting from the centers' errant hikes.
7. If Rex Ryan, silent during the New York Jets' bye week, makes up for lost time by preparing his team for a divisional game in Buffalo against the Bills in a more outrageously annoying, bombastic manner. Then, all football fans will be reaching for the Tylenol.
6. If the hopeless Indianapolis Colts continued believing that the sad state of their demise has only to do with Peyton Manning's injury. Then, a complete coaching and management overall would be delayed in Indy at the end of the season.
5. If a desperate NFL team actually signs the mercurial and oft-irritating 37-year-old Terrell Owens, and football fans are forced to listen his tiresome bravado again. Then, that team gets what it deserves, but loyal football fans certainly won't.
4. If grizzled ol' No. 4 Brett Favre considers un-retiring again. Then, oh no, dear God, we pray! Please no!
3. If the Philadelphia Eagles, fresh off a pounding of the Dallas Cowboys last night, awoke from their nightmarish funk earlier this 2011 season. Then, talk of a football Dream Team wouldn't have been so easily dismissed as it was in mocking fashion after the first few weeks of this year's campaign.
2. If Tim Tebow, after flailing as a starter again yesterday, miraculously led the Denver Broncos to another improbable comeback victory against the Detroit Lions. Then, who would ESPN's Merrill Hodge, Keyshawn Johnson, Chris Carter and Tom Johnson have to bash?
1. If the NFLPA was as intractable and unrealistic as its greedy NBA counterpart. Then, we would have missed the first seven weeks of an incredibly exciting, wildly unpredictable and highly entertaining 2011 NFL season.
Enjoy tonight's game. Keep the kids safe. And go for the Almond Joys or Snickers!
Straight talk. No static.
MIKE—thee ultimate talking head on sports!