NFL: The Most Exciting Scenarios for Each Team, Part I

Of all the seasons in a sports fans’ calendar, mid-summer is the most bleak.

The NBA and NHL have finished their playoffs. This year both were doozies. The excitement of watching the Evil LeBron and his Gang of Evilness fall to the Mavericks and their lovable crew of oldsters, up-and-comers and castoffs capped off one of the most exciting NBA playoffs in years.

The NHL Finals went to seven games and saw the Bruins win in a frenzied away game in Vancouver.

The NFL draft was months ago, and the NBA draft has just finished. Golf is still happening somewhere, but golf is fringe at best and simply irrelevant (in its Tiger-less state) at worst.

Baseball is plugging onward in its seemingly interminable season. The summer days are getting hotter, and our memories of the sports triumphs of the past year are beginning to fade. Our thoughts are now turning hopefully toward the late summer and the return of training camps for the NFL.

All 32 teams can cling to at least some shred of hope going into the 2011 season (with the possible exception of the Bills, who will be wretched).

To soothe our souls from the torment of Sports Purgatory, let’s take a quick and flippant look at each team’s most exciting possibilities for 2011. This is Part I (Arizona through Kansas City). Part II will follow later this week.

Arizona Cardinals

Kurt Warner returns from retirement to lead the Cardinals back to relevancy. He rekindles his rapport with Larry Fitzgerald and rips apart defenses like it was 1999 (that’s a Prince song, right?).

Atlanta Falcons

Saints coach Sean Payton is fired and Bobby Petrino returns to the NFL as their coach. They pound him in their two regular season games and then Matty Ice, Michael Turner and Co. rip out his heart in the playoffs.

Petrino leaves the NFL in disgrace and not even a desperate SEC team will take him as their coach on the rebound.

Baltimore Ravens

Ray Lewis and Ed Reed play on both sides of the football. Clearly Flacco needs more and better targets, so Lewis becomes a tight end and Reed plays wide receiver.

Reed sets the NFL record for touchdowns as a safety off of interceptions and as a receiver off of passes and Lewis gets the normally reserved Flacco to woof and shout during huddles.

Buffalo Bills

I’ve already tipped my hand. There are no exciting possibilities in Buffalo. That is, unless Marty McFly and Doc are able to bring the entire team back to Super Bowl XXV versus the Giants and push Norwood’s kick slightly to the left.

Carolina Panthers

Jimmy Clausen (hereafter known as “Sprinkle Pickle”) blossoms into a Pro Bowler and leads the Panthers to a strong 8-8 record.

Sprinkle Pickle gets the young receiving pair of David Gettis and Brandon LaFell to rally around Steve Smith to become the most feared passing attack in the bottom fourth of the NFC South.

Chicago Bears

Ditka returns…as a linebacker! He summarily dismisses Greg Olsen and Desmond Clark as “muffins” and then leads the league in blocking while Jay Cutler leads the league in sullen looks.

Cincinnati Bengals

Ochocinco rides a bull. Ochocinco tries out for a soccer team. Ochocinco wrestles an alligator. Ochocinco becomes a good NFL receiver again.

Cleveland Browns

Peyton Manning jumps ship in Indy to resuscitate the Browns. With Peyton Hillis as a premier running back, the Peyton duo takes Cleveland by storm and makes the city forget about LeBron “Stinking” James and the sports futility of the past 40-plus years.

Dallas Cowboys

Tony Romo finally becomes a top tier quarterback by winning big in the playoffs. He becomes known more widely for his prowess on the football field than for breaking Jessica Simpson’s fragile heart.

Denver Broncos

John Elway stages a fight in the octagon between Tim Tebow, Kyle Orton and Brady Quinn for the starting quarterback job. Orton steadily fights his way to the middle of the ring and is under-appreciated for what he did.

Tebow’s punching motion is unorthodox, but he is able to beat his opponents into submission with unsold copies of his autobiography. Quinn never enters the ring but looks great sitting there in his uniform.

Detroit Lions

Joey Harrington and Dan Orlovsky return as co-starting quarterbacks on a rotational system. So sorry…that would be the most horrifying possibility for the Lions in 2011. They actually look like they’ll be pretty good in 2011.

Green Bay Packers

Not only do the Packers win the Super Bowl again, but they do it with even more injuries throughout the season than in 2010. Every last player on the team is either on crutches or is wearing an ice pack by the Super Bowl.

Their grit is heralded as grittier than the bowls of porridge at Grandma Joy’s Southern Cookin’ Paradise.

Houston Texans

Super Mario Williams is finally paired with Luigi, a former CFLer who turned to plumbing to pay the bills when he didn’t make an NFL team in 2009. After defeating King Koopa in late 2010, he makes one more go at the NFL and is signed on as a D-lineman with the Texans.

They go on to beat Indianapolis twice in the regular season, win more than nine games and make the playoffs.

Indianapolis Colts

The Colts host the first “home” Super Bowl in Indianapolis, and Peyton beats his brother Eli for the title. Chaos ensues in the aftermath when it is discovered that older brother Cooper absconded with the Lombardi Trophy at halftime as a prank.

Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars fill more than half the stadium for a game when Jack Del Rio announces that he will publicly auction his natty chapeau and suit if they don’t win. MJD runs for 200 yards, he keeps his suit and the denizens of Jacksonville fall in love with the Jaguars again.

Kansas City Chiefs

Matt Cassel and Todd Haley surpass Tom Brady and Bill Belichick as the most feared QB/Coach combo in the game, while Jamaal Charles and Dwayne Bowe lead the league in yards gained from their respective positions. Larry Johnson falls off the NFL map by languishing with the Redskins (wait, that already happened).

Check back in a few days for Part II (Miami through Washington)!