B/R Creature vs Creature 2.0: Introducing the Red Division

Hello fellow Bleachamaniacs!

Due to circumstances that prevent me from participating in what is sure to be an epic Creature vs. Creature contest, I have been asked to be your doting correspondent on what is sure to be one hell of a fight for the grandest title offered here in B/R’s Wrestling section!

Think of me as your Gorilla Monsoon or Mike Adamle as we witness some of this section’s best writers duke it out in an elimination style tournament to earn the moniker “The Greatest Writer of B/R’s Wrestling Section!”

For the next few days I will post slide shows to introduce you to the writers, their divisions, and the topics they must cover.  Sprinkled in with these facts and numbers will be that snippy and knee-slapping Mr. Ashley Morris wit that some of you love and most of you detest.

When these writers post their pieces, it will be up to YOU, the loyal wrestling section readers and fans, to determine which writer advances in the tournament. 

Seeing as this isn’t an episode of Impact Wrestling, let’s cut the inane chatter and get right to the introductions!

"Crossing the Line": The Red Division

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet the Red Division.  Joe Burgett, the creator of this particular Creature vs. Creature contest, has allowed me to take certain “liberties” with my reporting.  Please disregard any information that implies JB was not of sound mind when this contract was established between us.

At any case, the Red Division will also be referred to as the Cross the Line Division.

With the competition still in its early stages, this division has already earned the dubious reputation of being the hardest division to get out of.  The writers in this division will have a tough challenge facing them in their competition and the topics they must cover.

The writers of this division have all received topics that will challenge them greatly, but will also give them the one shot they need to propel them into writing supremacy in the wrestling section of B/R. 

The writers of this division do not have time to play footsy with the topics or beat around the bush casually.  They must make a convincing argument, back that argument with solid research, and take note to not bore their audiences by stroking the subject as if it were a kitty cat.

I seriously don’t envy these writers at all, especially after seeing who was in this particular division.

The writers of this division will post their articles on Wednesdays.

Alex Baker vs. RiZE: "The Greatest Jobber in WWE History"

Our first match up will see Alex Baker face off against RiZE. 

Alex is a newcomer to the wrestling section and possesses a fire and passion that will take him far in his B/R writing career.  Hopefully he will earn his stripes and some valuable experience by participating in this competition.

This is assuming, of course, that he can make it past RiZE.

A well-known and beloved writer, RiZE is a cagey B/R veteran with multiple 10,000-plus reads on topics a lot of his peers won’t even dare to cover.  He’s one hell of a combatant, and Alex would earn some major B/R cred if he can knock RiZE out of the competition early on.

These two gladiators will craft pieces about the WWE’s greatest jobber.  This topic will require both men to do some thorough research depending on whom they select. 

One writer may consider looking up a classic WWE jobber that spent more time congratulating himself than winning matches, while the other writer could possibly craft a “long” shot piece about the true story of a modern-day jobber.

Whatever the case may be, I urge readers to focus on what’s written about the jobber, and not necessarily who the jobber is. 

I anticipate the winner of this matchup being able to speak exceptionally well on what their jobber brings or brought to the WWE by “jobbing,” rather than blather incessantly about their massive losing streaks.

Dan Power vs. Roxas Tillster: "Best TNA Performer, Gone Before the Year Was Up"

The second match puts Dan Power up against Roxas Tillster.

“Power” is much more than an adequate last name from this B/R writer that has trampled many a contributor in his path of destruction.  Dan is casually walking into this division with 15,000-plus reads on his last piece which easily makes him a hard statue to topple in this division.

Facing him is Roxas Tillster, another fresh B/R face that has raw talent and heart.  Tillster is a little rough around the edges and could become a force to reckon with a little polish.  If Tillster can crack Dan Power quickly, perhaps the “Powerhouse” will take him on as an apprentice of sorts.

The challenge for these writers comes with their topic: the best TNA performer to have worked for the company for less than a year.  Off the top of my head, I can’t even tell you who that’d be; and I write about TNA a lot!

Not much research has to be done here, but the winner of this bout will have to be very creative in crafting a compelling argument for the star of their choosing.  Not much can be said about a star who has wowed fans in TNA with less than a year of being in the company.

In light of this, the winner will probably speak on their wrestler’s potential, focusing on where their character is headed and what their development will do for TNA’s product now that “Wrestling Matters.”

Personally speaking, I cannot be bored with the winner’s piece.  TNA cures insomnia as is, so I’m sure fans don’t want to read about falling to sleep after having watched it as well.

Ryan Frye vs. Tim Nguyen: "The Real First WWE Diva: Sable or Sunny?"

Ryan Frye and Tim Nguyen will square off against one another as the third matchup for the Cross the Line Division.

Ryan has an impressive 200 articles as a B/R Correspondent, and writes with a short and sweet style that stays lighthearted and flows well without dragging on at any point.  With 199 articles, however, something is keeping him from gaining his next B/R reputation.

This competition could be the opportunity he needs to catapult him to the analyst reputation, unless Tim Nguyen has something to say about it.

Tim has a short, informative style almost similar to that of Ryan’s method of writing.  Tim is still early in his B/R tenure and much like Tillster has some rough edges that could use polishing from the savvy guidance of a B/R legend. 

Where’s Mike a.k.a. The Professor when you need him?

Ryan and Tim have been charged with stating a case for Sunny or Sable as the true first WWE Diva.  Given their style of writing, look for these pieces to be short, very informative, and easy to read.

If this happens, you should also expect both pieces to resemble last Monday’s three-hour episode of RAW.  Take that last statement however you choose to.

Both Ryan and Tim will have to step out of their informative comfort zones to creatively appeal to the reader’s senses in order to defeat their opponent.

The writer that chooses Sunny could win by arguing that Sunny was the WWE’s John Cena of the Divas Division in the past.  Sunny had the charisma, the looks, and was considered the total package for what the WWE needed to attract horny teens and married men to their product.

The writer that chooses Sable could argue the exact same thing, relying on Sable’s sex appeal and wrestling ability to state a solid case for her sexual appeal the WWE needed to attract horny teens and married men to their product during the Attitude Era.

In order to avoid disrespecting both women and the wrestling section’s female fans, both writers should also take care to point out each woman’s empowering ways and personalities.  Remember: Sunny managed the hell out of the Bodydonnas, and Sable gave Marc Mero all types of bad dreams.

Unfortunately Sunny had hog slop dropped over her by the Godwinns and Sable was forced by Marc Mero to wear a potato sack to the ring.  There’s a bad joke waiting to happen somewhere in there.

This is a fight that could go either way; expect the winner to prove without a shadow of a doubt that either Sunny’s cheerful personality and All-American Girl looks, or Sable’s raunchy and titillating sex appeal, attracted horny men to the product.

Ian Malone vs. Kevin Stonebarger: "Best Rivalry in the WWE Today"

I shudder to think of the outcome of the bout that will see Ian Malone go up against Kevin Stonebarger.

Kevin has noted on his profile that RiZE has contributed to his success as a B/R writer.  With RiZE as a supporter and friend, it would be obscenely ridiculous to underestimate this young writer. 

Any type of collusion with RiZE, whether through fancy free conversation or intense mentoring, makes Kevin the preeminent dark horse in this division that could surprise us all.  With only 28 articles and 170 comments, Kevin still has a way to go before showing the wrestling section the fruits of his friendship with the cagey veteran.

Staring at him from across the ring, standing silently in the dark corner, is Ian Malone.  For those of you that don’t know, I consider Ian a contemporary that rose through the B/R ranks alongside me.   That is to say that if anyone believes I’m a great writer, then Ian surpasses me by an exponential number that hasn’t even been invented yet.

Simply put, I would not want to be in Kevin’s shoes right now. 

The ace up Kevin’s sleeve could be the topic both writers have to palaver on.  When describing the best rivalry in the WWE today, both writers are on a level playing ground as I honestly can’t think of any rivalry in the WWE right now that is worth writing home about.

The winner of this bout has to work around the WWE’s glaring mediocrity, which means that their piece will have to take the nuances of a given feud and highlight all that makes it worth our time to tune in.

The winning piece will need a ton of creativity, and perhaps several shots of tequila.

Here’s some food for thought: the winner of this bout would do well in crafting a convincing piece about a feud that isn’t about Randy Orton and Christian.

Ben Gartland vs. C.I.M: "Best Female Storyline in TNA History"

Ben Gartland and C.I.M face each other in the fifth match of the division.

I’m very positive that at one point Ben Gartland was referred to as “Sir” Ben Gartland, which speaks volumes about his reputation in the B/R wrestling section.

Ben’s writing style is clever, humorous, entertaining and informative at the same time.  His pieces take on a conversational style that makes readers feel as if they’re having tea and biscuits with an old friend, as opposed to the boring lectures and dissertations I write frequently.

However, Ben has some tough competition facing him in the person of C.I.M.

C.I.M is a straight shooter with a slight edge that leans towards getting straight to the point.   Ben would take care to watch out for the cult following that has grown around C.I.M, making him B/R’s “CM Punk” with a straight-edge cadence (see what I did there) that easily intoxicates readers.

“Sir” Ben and C.I.M have been charged with writing about the best female storyline in TNA history.

It’s very rare the words “best” and “TNA” will fit together in the same sentence, but it is no surprise that the Knockouts Division have something to do with the unholy alliance of those two words.

Do not be shocked if both writers go with the Gail Kim/Awesome storyline or the original Beautiful People (heel Angelina Love and Velvet Sky) storyline.  Those are both safe bets and could easily get either writer to the next round.

Place your money on the champion of this division to be the writer in this bout that has the “yam bag” to handle a lesser known storyline with ease.  In my opinion, the winner would take creative license with the ODB/Cody Deaner storyline and make it seem as awesome as an Alundra Blaze and Bull Nakano match.

I’d easily vote for the writer that could make Jenna Morasco and Sharmell look like Goldberg vs. Hogan for the WCW Championship.

Playing it safe in this bout won't win diddly and it’d be in both writers’ best interests to push themselves and unearth the most obscure feud to present to the fans.

Tyson Jones vs. Daniel Massey: "Worst WWE Champion in History"

The final bout of this division pits Tyson Jones against Daniel Massey.

Daniel comes to the fray as a contributor with a robust number of reads and articles, and his contributions are succinct and offer plenty of opportunity for conversation.

Hot on his heels is the young B/R writer Tyson Jones.  Tyson’s style is an informative one that rests comfortably on the median between too long and too short.

Tyson is not far from running neck and neck with Daniel, but has quite a bit of a way to go before the two can become synonymous with one another.  The story in this bout will be that of two young bulls attempting to earn a spot in the up-and-comer’s reputation of B/R writers.

Their match-up will be bowling-shoe ugly, as they have the daunting task of talking about the worst WWE Champion in history.

Both writers have literally mountains of history to cover in order to speak on this topic.  Also, each writer must be aware that they must focus on the worst WWE Champion in history, and not the worst World Champion in WWE history.

Oops, did I give away a vital clue for the competition? 

The winner of this donnybrook must be careful to not spend too much time digging through the history books for his subject, but must also stay away from hovering around recent history as well.

For the record, my personal opinion is that John Cena must not be of conversation and if I were in charge I’d automatically disqualify anyone who chose to frolic down that path of least resistance.  It’s a good thing I’m not a judge, right?

The wise writer between Daniel and Tyson would choose a WWE Champion during a lackluster era for the WWE, as the champ is usually charged with carrying the company at a given time.  If the champ stunk up the company to holy hell, then it’s probably because the era wasn’t all that great either.

Free hint: the Attitude Era wasn’t all that great in hindsight, which is always 20/20.

Let's Get Ready for a Brouhaha!

So there are your matchups for the Cross the Line Division, folks!  Here they are once again for those of you that willingly chose to ignore the previous slides to get to the meat of the show:

1) Alex Baker vs. RiZE: "The Greatest Jobber in WWE History"

2) Dan Power vs. Roxas Tillster:  "Best TNA Performer, Gone Before the Year Was Up" 

3) Ryan Frye vs. Time Nguyen: "The Real First WWE Diva: Sable or Sunny?"

4) Ian Malone vs. Kevin Stonebarger: "Best Rivalry in the WWE Today"

5) Ben Gartland vs. C.I.M: "Best Female Storyline in TNA History"

6) Tyson Jones vs. Daniel Massey: "Worst WWE Champion in History"

Remember to tune in Wednesday for these pieces, and good luck to all the writers in the “hardest division to get out of.”  Sounds like you all are going to need it!

Make sure to check out B/R all this weekend for more pieces that highlight the remaining divisions in this epic Creature vs. Creature contest. 

Peace, and may the best writer in the Red Division be aptly prepared to “Cross the line!”