If history has taught us one thing, it is that it repeats itself. Empires and countries spending their way into extinction. Dictators rule with an iron fist, until the very peasants they were beating down rise up and overthrow them. The Beastie Boys come out with a new hit album. Trust, me these things happen again and again. With that in mind, let us let history guide us to predicting the top five picks in the draft.
David Stern Stern informs all it is time to sit down and shut up. He has something to say.
Cavs' owner Dan Gilbert has some questions to answer in regards to his new top pick.
History tells us the Cleveland Cavaliers will take the most confident player on the board and select Enes Kanter, the center out of Turkey. Cavs’ brass is won over by Kanter’s proclamation that he has “Pau Gasol’s post moves, Dirk Nowitzki’s jump shot, and Dwight Howard’s toughness.” It is rumored that one Cav scout claimed Kanter has “the most confidence I’ve seen since LeBron James.”
How it will turn out: Owner Dan Gilbert panics and overcompensates by covering half the city in “Witness Enes” billboards. Sadly, it does not go over well.
Kyrie Irving wishes he stayed at Duke for one more year.
History tells us the Minnesota Timberwolves will take the best point guard on the board, Kyrie Irving, from Duke.
How it will turn out: Minnesota GM David Kahn panics and fills his new head coaching vacancy—with himself. With Kevin Love dragged along for the ride, Kahn introduces NBA’s first four point-guard lineup. Halfway through the year and without a win, Kahn finally gives in and trades Ricky Rubio. For Steve Nash.
Derrick Williams is instructed to "leave the exciting stuff in Arizona, kid."
History tells us the Utah Jazz will make a safe, predictable pick and draft Derrick Williams the (?) forward from Arizona.
How it will turn out: Williams will have a long and fundamental career. They will continue to make the playoffs every year with no championships to show for it. Jerry Sloan will nod his approval.
Brandon Knight looks confused at the NBA level. Though he can't entirely be blames.
History tells us the Cleveland Cavaliers will select point guard Brandon Knight from Kentucky. Gilbert calls T’wolves GM Kahn and asks for “a mulligan.”
How it will turn out: Kahn refuses to give him Irving, but is intrigued by a deal with Cleveland. He trades Michael Beasley for Knight.
Kemba Walker forgets his winning ways in Connecticut.
History tells us the Toronto Raptors select the player with the highest scoring-per-square-inch capabilities. Kemba Walker is narrowly selected over Jimmer Fredette.
How it will turn out: Walker joins a rotation of shooting-guards-in-point guards’ bodies that includes Leandro Barbosa and Jerryd Bayless. The Raptors immediately remind fans of ‘80s style basketball. But only due to the amount of points they allow.