(Note: This is a satirical piece. It’s meant to be comical, not educational. It’s all farcical gibberish, yet I still hope you read it.)
Never mind the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, or the public’s concern over the extraterrestrial carcasses being carved up and studied over at Area 51, I just want to figure out who the bleep sent Josh McDaniels.
Like any good conspiracy theorist who has done his homework—read, a Google search on “Why Josh McDaniels purposely destroyed the Denver Broncos”— I have compiled a few theories that can help us better explain why this all happened.
Conspiracy Theory No. 1: Bill Belichick wanted revenge.
Was it Bill Belichick? Those dots are easy to connect. Why wouldn’t Josh want to please his former boss by sinking the Broncos? In fact, I distinctly remember the look on Bill’s face the year that Champ Bailey had the pick-six on Tom Brady in the playoffs. It was a look that seemed to say, “Okay, Champ. You have your day, but I promise you that I will have mine!”
Think about it. The Jay Cutler fiasco began within days of the McDaniels hiring, and it revolved around a possible trade with New England for Matt Cassel. That was easily explained away by the notion that Josh simply believed that Matt Cassel was the real deal. After all, he had helped coach him while up in New England.But then the connections to New England persisted. A trade for Laurence Maroney was the final straw.
I wonder now if that fantastic play that Champ Bailey made to end Tom Brady’s drive, some years back, was really worth it in the long run.
Conspiracy Theory No. 2: Al Davis exacted his own revenge with the help of former vice president Dick Cheney.
This one also makes a lot of sense. Al Davis is old and nefarious looking. He wears those awful jumpsuits. Dick Cheney is equally sinister; he just seems to be always plotting. He usually wears a suit and tie. Al Davis passionately hates his historic rival, my beloved Denver Broncos. Dick Cheney doesn’t seem to watch a lot of football, but I still suspect a deep-seated hatred for the Broncos.
In his book “America’s Game”, Michael McCambridge quotes Al Davis as once remarking, "Anything good in life is worth cheating for." Dick Cheney was once quoted as stating, "My belief is we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators." So making the simple connection, and foregoing any context or relevance between the two statements, we can easily assume that Al Davis plotted with Dick Cheney and Josh McDaniels to dismantle the Denver Broncos and set them back five to 10 years.
Al Davis had no moral concerns with beating the Broncos in a more illicit manner, and Dick Cheney recognized that Oakland fans would view their plotting as necessary and just. He would help Al Davis liberate Oakland from the persistent beatings handed to them from the Denver Broncos, and Josh McDaniels would be the perfect guy to help see it through.
In less than two full seasons the plan was worked to perfection. Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall were traded away. One of the most exciting young running backs, Peyton Hillis, was traded away for a third-string quarterback. Valuable draft picks were basically thrown away. It was as if Josh McDaniels was this large vacuum sucking up all the talent and leaving us with Laurence Maroney. I’m not sure what setting on a vacuum that is.
Finally, there was the videotaping scandal, which is an obvious Al Davis/Dick Cheney scheme, since there is absolutely no reason to videotape Alex Smith. The Colts offense? Sure. San Francisco’s? That’s absurd. That amounts to looking at your friend’s controller when you played Tecmo Super Bowl as a kid. There was a 50 percent chance that you would pick his offensive play, for crying out loud!
Conspiracy Theory No. 3: Josh McDaniels is an extraterrestrial life form that escaped from Area 51 with all of its limbs intact.
We can’t really chalk up the Josh McDaniels coaching failures to a lack of experience. Nor do I buy the argument that it’s Pat Bowlen’s fault, since he gave this inexperienced head coach all that power and responsibility as head coach/GM.
I do buy the notion that Josh McDaniels is originally from Mars or Neptune. That would explain why he is exceptional with the X's and the O's, yet so remarkably foolish when it comes to roster moves. Having an alien upbringing is the only way to explain his decision to trade up into the second-round to draft Richard Quinn.
Quinn had a college resume that included 12 receptions —four his junior season and eight in his senior year. And the cost of that trade up was two third-round picks! This for a player that was projected to go undrafted that year. Here is what Richard Quinn had to say at the time: “Honestly, when the process first came along I thought maybe I would be a free agent and maybe be blessed to have the opportunity to come to a team and try out. It was a big shock…”
Yeah, that’s right, even Quinn was shocked. I have a 10-year old who would know better than to trade up for a blocking tight end who can't catch. The difference being that my 10-year old was born in Colorado, not in the cavernous flatlands of Mars.
Trading up to draft Richard Quinn is simply mind-boggling. The human brain is not powerful enough to register and recognize that as a rational thought. Only alien life forms can process that kind of information, and make sense of it.
Ultimately though, we may never truly know why this happened. It will remain a fundamental mystery here in Denver, and I sure hope that St. Louis knows what they are getting into.
It wouldn’t be the first team that he has ransacked.
(Quote taken from Broncotalk.net. Article can be read here.)