With WrestleMania looming large on the horizon, all of us are excited. From the sign of things, WWE is hell-bent on screwing up the iconic PPV. They have come up with extremely random storylines, and some of them are outlandish.
Last time I wrote about WrestleMania, I talked about the reasons behind our love for Mania. This time, however, I am going to say, screw it.
I am going to help WWE in totally destroying the prestige of WrestleMania with some outlandish ideas. I have tried to outdo them in every respect for that matter. In fact, I have also taken TNA's favor.
I want to clarify that this article is humor. This will have few outrageous challenges and some nerve-wrenching matches. Secondly, since these are 12 ideas, a few outstanding individuals are going to appear more than once.
Before going berserk, I will request that you please don’t try to find any sense or logic here, because there is none.
Just like every other year, WWE wanted to do something rubbish at WrestleMania. They finally zeroed down on a "King of Cupids" challenge.
The person who would prove that he is the most romantic man would be declared as the "King of Cupids." They created a pink medal for the winner with a photo of Val Venis and the Godfather on each side.
Several superstars participated. Each put forth his case.
Mark Henry said that he is the sexual chocolate. His affair with Mae Young and their child, "the rubber hand," was a testimony to his supremacy.
Santino told us at length how he has dated women like Maria, Beth and Tamina.
Great Khali said in Hindi, “WWE made me do some sick things; Kiss Cam was one of them. I had to kiss some stinking mouths and that odor still haunts me.” Ranjin Singh translated it, “I have kissed some of the most beautiful faces and aroma of their love still lingers around me.”
Suddenly, the ring posts exploded as Kane entered. He uttered five words. “Katie Vick, Lita, Kelly Kelly,” and bagged the award.
It is certain now that Sheamus has messed up backstage, really bad. He has rubbed a lot of people in a wrong way. Nothing else explains his fate otherwise.
As Sheamus was drafted to Smackdown, following his loss to Bryan, he realized that he was haunted by the Irish curse. There was another Celtic fellow who was a bigger draw than Sheamus. It was Hornswoggle.
WWE had to de-push Sheamus because Hornswoggle was not happy about superior treatment given to Sheamus. He was the one selling merchandise and keeping children happy.
King of Zombies, who used ridiculous outfits, had no business being better. WWE had to agree because of the gulf in respective profit-making capacities.
Sheamus was enraged about this. He challenged Hornswoggle to a no-disqualification match at Wrestlemania. It was a challenge he would regret for the rest of his life.
Hornswoggle won in 56 seconds following a devastating second-rope body splash.
Jobbers are a big community in pro wrestling. If we had to define jobbers kindly, it would be like this: Jobbers are those who make others' living easier and merrier.
Last year at WrestleMania, there was a dark match, which was a Battle Royale. It featured stars from "WWE Superstars."
At WrestleMania, an extension of the match would be featured. It would officially be a Battle Royale to decide the biggest jobber on the roster.
Rules are pretty simple: The first man eliminated is the winner of the match. The referees have to make sure that nobody eliminates himself to earn the reward.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
Linda was sulking for months following her defeat in the U.S. Senatorial election. Vince was really becoming anxious. It was making his life difficult.
Finally, he had a genius idea. In a repeat of the above-mentioned match, he announced a match between Linda and a dummy of Richard Blumenthal.
Mason Ryan and Sheamus acted as enforcers for Linda and the poor dummy jobber was crushed to achieve Linda’s revenge.
Vince had never ever ignored the Internet wrestling fans. He hated them and ridiculed them.
Whenever possible he loved to just play with them by offering different carrots. But finally he decided to give them their due.
He declared that a match would be held at WrestleMania to decide the World Internet Champion. The match will be an elimination match. That match went on to feature people who fit into the following criterion.
- People who have wrestling skills but no charisma.
- People who have skills and charisma but still don’t draw.
- People who will never become world champions.
Honchos at Marvel Comics were livid with the recent comparison of John Morrison with Spider-Man. They were not livid because of the comparison, actually.
The fact that the so called Spider-Man of WWE was playing seventh fiddle to the Superman of WWE, aka John Cena, had them so in pain.
They devised a cunning plan that WWE will arrange a match between John Cena and John Morrison and book it in such a way that Morrison will win.
They were ready to pay $20 million in return. However, on one condition: Cena and JoMo had to wear Superman and Spider-Man costumes, respectively.
WWE agreed without hesitation. The bizarre match indeed took place. The valiant efforts of Spidey, however, could not overcome the brute strength of Superman. John Cena won again.
Honchos at Marvel were even more livid. Even before they could contact Mr. McMahon, they received one envelope. It had check of $25 million and a note.
Note read, “DC paid us $50 million to have Superman win. Yours truly – Vincent Kennedy McMahon”
Following the announcement of Justin Bieber being the guest performer at WrestleMania, millions of souls cringed. The teen sensation who supposedly sings caused a massive unrest.
However, no soul was more hurt than Jillian Hall. She was the staple singer of WWE and arguably sang better than Bieber.
At WrestleMania, she challenged Justin Bieber to a singing challenge. Due to the support from seven teenage girls in the crowd, he accepted the challenge.
This moment has gone into the Guinness Book of World Records—the first time in the history of television close to 1 million TV sets were watched on mute.
TNA and especially Dixie Carter have a fetish for shockers. After every two months, Dixie tweets that the biggest surprise ever, even bigger than the last one and the one before that, is coming upon us.
However before WrestleMania XXVII, Dixie really shocked all of us for once.
She tweeted following, “BIGGEST SHOCKER OF THE YEAR, AT WRESTLEMANIA IN ATLANTA!!!!” (Apparently the fourth exclamation point was an addition to show that this shocker is bigger than Sting).
So, IWC went wild as usual. Vince did not give it a damn as usual. WrestleMania came and became history once again. But... But, where was the shocker?
On Impact the following night, Dixie revealed a picture of a fan at WrestleMania. It was a hooded figure with big glasses. Who was that???
It was Dixie Carter. What a shocker!!!
There is no better place and time to finally discover the secret Raw GM than at WrestleMania. In all certainty, there is no GM at this time, but let us just assume somebody is there.
Before going to uncover the mystery, let us see what have been the main characteristics of that laptop aka the GM.
This GM is supposedly fair and believes in second chances. He apparently hates main-event stars and rather loves guys who can mess it up.
At WrestleMania, Vince finally announces who the GM is. It was Marty Jannetty, the king of second chances in WWE.
This match was truly an epitome of a cliché, "When unstoppable force meets an immovable object".
Randy Orton, Edge, Big Show and Rey Mysterio faced off each other in this match to decide, who the invincible man is.
The brief history–All these four men accounted for one-and-a-half clean losses in the six months leading up to the Mania. Nobody, not even the ghost of Undertaker, was able to beat them cleanly.
The real trouble in front of Creative was how to book this match. This is why they came up with a stipulation "No Pinfall, No Submission and No Count Out." This was the best way to let these men have their momentum intact.
The match went on pretty well. As four men stood in the ring, they realized that if they attack others, it would be difficult. None can be shown the weaker.
Big Show felt hungry because of all this thinking. He therefore, left the ring and entered into crowds to see if any kid had some chocolates. Rey began to hug and chat with random people.
Randy was slithering in the ring. He was interested in finding out whether he can truly hear voices in his head.
Meanwhile, Edge was searching for a laptop to smack it down. But Michael Cole had already fled, sensing the danger to his possession.
The referee ultimately called it a no-contest and four men went back to the locker room with their momentum intact.
The exhausted audience had no idea that they are going to witness a main event for the ages as the Miz and Cena engaged in a fight that would eventually put Taker and HBK’s WM 26 main event to shame.
Cena and Miz put on a wrestling clinic on that fateful night. They told a compelling story in the ring. The more amazing fact is that Creative had given them no story in the first place.
Moreover, the emotion they portrayed was HBK-esqe. John Cena’s selling was as amazing as Miz’s incredible offense. Several near pinfalls, some highly acrobatic counters and tremendous speed of the match had all the people in awe.
The result, however, was monumental. Contrary to the popular perception, Miz beat Cena in a clean fashion.
After a failed attempt of Attitude Adjustment from Cena, Miz hit a Skull-Crushing Finale. John Cena, out of sheer habit, kicked out.
Miz then, to the astonishment of all, pinned Cena after a magnificent Shooting Star Press.
The arena could not believe that they had seen a match of the century as the Miz beat Cena in a 37-minute long match.
To sum up, it was truly a WrestleMania moment.
In this world, nothing is more powerful than wives of powerful men. The Second and Third ladies (Stephanie and Michelle, respectively) of WWE proved that once again on WrestleMania 27.
Michelle McCool was getting restless as WrestleMania drew closer. Somebody was outdoing her in hogging the spotlight. Triple H had returned.
Finally, she could not take it anymore as Triple H appeared on Smackdown. Even before Undertaker could confront HHH, Michelle made her entrance. Taker, like every poor husband, could not do anything as he, too, had to go home someday.
Michelle ripped apart HHH. “Triple H, when I see you, I feel that I am looking in the mirror. We know that very well that without our spouses, neither of us would be standing here. You have done enough gate crashing, now it is my time.”
That assault brought out Stephanie. The angry ladies exchanged blows as their hapless husbands watched it from the aisle. Stephanie and Michelle ultimately challenged each other in a match that would seal the fate of their husbands.
Both ladies agreed to have a match at WrestleMania. If Michelle loses, then Undertaker loses his streak. If Steph loses, HHH has to retire.
I hope that all of you have enjoyed this article. If you have any crazy ideas for WrestleMania, share it with us in the comment section.
On a side note, all of the Undertaker fans here can enjoy a tribute to Undertaker I had written few days back here.
Thank you all for reading.