NFL Week Two: Letters to the League
To: Terrell Owens
Re: What's with You and Popcorn?
T.O., I love how you love popcorn so much. On movie night at Jessica and Tony's, I know you always bring the popcorn. If you still did the crazy end zone shenanigans, you'd have to find a way to involve popcorn. I expect to see you with Orville Redenbacher in a commercial any time now.
And by the way, man, love the middle name—Eldorado.
To: Matt Cassel
Re: Finally Starting?
Hey man, if you were to win a high-school superlative (I refer to high school because that was the last time you started), it would have to be "Most Likely to Eventually Succeed."
You finally got to start a game. This is just like Friday Night Lights. All-Texas Jason Street goes down and Matt Saracen comes in to save the day. Dude, if Belichick's got a daughter, now's your chance. Good job, by the way. You were efficient. Worse things could be said than that.
To: Adalius Thomas
Re: Holy S**t!
I know the sack statistic is just for bringing down a quarterback, but damn man, you deserve two sacks for that one. Poor Leon Washington tried his best to protect Favre, but he just ended up the jelly in the sandwich. I mean, that play was insane. And 'ol Brett Favre just kept running backwards. I bet I watched that play 15 times on YouTube.
To: Calvin Johnson
Re: I Love Megatron
You've got my new favorite nickname. I'm so thankful to Roy Williams for calling you this. Every time I see you make a catch and burst up the sideline, I half expect to see parts of your body begin to swing around and you change your human form to that of a leopard to outrun everyone to the end zone.
That's what a nickname should do for you. Remember the posters of players and their nicknames back in the early '90s? It was always an interesting photo with a theme and a nickname based on what the player did or was known for. I would love, love to see one of those with you. By the way, great game. This is just the beginning. When are you leaving Detroit?
To: Cincinnati Bengals
Re: A Tiger Never Changes His Stripes
What happened here guys? I thought when you had one of the elite quarterbacks in the league you were supposed to be good. Isn't that the main building block? What gives? Are the Bengals the new Lions...or the old Bengals?
To: Brett Favre
Re: Re: Eh
Man, I still don't know about this. This is starting to feel weird.
To: DeSean Jackson
You've probably realized this by now, but Monday Night Football is on national television. In fact, the game you played in on Monday night was the largest cable viewing audience ever. EVER!!!
So how does it feel to make a fool of yourself on that kind of stage? I mean, you're a good player and you're going to be a huge part of the Eagles' success this year, but you've got to do better than that.
You're lucky Andy Reid didn't rip you to shreds on the sidelines on that one. I guess he took the same approach with you that he does with his sons. If only my boss did that. Your team bailed you out man, don't do that again.
To: Aaron Rodgers
Re: Slowly but Surely
Be patient, my friend. They'll come around. You keep having games like this and you'll get a steak on the house anywhere in Wisconsin. Just you wait. And when it's time to cement your legacy, just remember what NOT to do.
To: Mike Shanahan
Re: Fortunate, Lucky Miracle
You're a fool if you didn't play the lottery on Monday.
In those three plays things could have been so much different for you, but somehow everything fell right into place. Pretty amazing. You get the worst call of the young season made in your favor, and you get a touchdown on the next play.
And then instead of being thankful you had some things go right...you decide to push the envelope and go for two! Even your players thought you were nuts with that one.
The Bronco players were looking at you holding up two fingers on the sideline, thinking, "What? Peace? Go for two? Huh?" But they did it and they won the game. My dad would call that intestinal fortitude.
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