The Super Bowl Not-Drinking Game

I was all set to write up a “Super Bowl XLIV Drinking Game” for Sunday’s game.

Then this morning the news broke that Madison, Wisconsin–where I live, work, and annoy my mail carrier by refusing to clear a proper path to my mailbox–was named the 15th drunkest city in America.

My response was immediate.

Really? 14 cities topped us?

But, wanting to be sensitive to the issue and not wanting to contribute to my fine city’s obvious penchant for overindulgence of fine and not-so-fine liquors, I consulted Wikipedia in an attempt to come up with a substitute vice.

And, being brazenly immature, I decided upon nose picking.

So here is my “Super Bowl XLIV Nose-Picking Game.”

Kathleen Falk, I hope you appreciate my teatotaling efforts!

If announcers Jim Nantz and Phil Simms promote Undercover Boss, pick.

If announcers Nantz and Simms promote Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains, pick.

If announcers Nantz and Simms attempt an awkward segue from a CBS promotion to game action (“Peyton Manning is the boss of this game,” or “The Saints' secondary is looking for a way to survive Indy’s passing attack”), pick from your weak hand.

If the cameras focus on one of the Miami Dolphins’ many celebrity owners (the game being held at Miami’s Sun Life Stadium, of course), including Marc Anthony, Jennifer Lopez, and Gloria Estefan – pick.

If the cameras focus on Ron Jaworski, celebrity owner of the defunct Philadelphia Soul of the now-defunct Arena Football League, pick with your friend’s finger.

If The Who performs “Baba O’Riley,” pick.

If The Who performs “Pinball Wizard,” pick.

If The Who performs “Won’t Get Fooled Again,” pick David Caruso’s nose.

If Roger Daltrey has a wardrobe malfunction, pick your congressperson’s nose.

If the camera shows Archie or Eli Manning, pick.

If the camera shows Reggie Bush's on-again, off-again girlfriend Kim Kardashian, pick.

If the camera shows Kim Kardashian’s stepfather Bruce Jenner injecting Botox into his face, pick your plastic surgeon’s nose.

If Peyton Manning throws a touchdown, pick.

If Drew Brees throws a touchdown, pick.

If Manning or Brees eats a hot dog on the sidelines during the game, pick the wife of your best friend’s nose.

If Dr. Oz mentions the word “poop,” pick. (Not Super Bowl related, but just had to bring it up. That M.D. is obsessed with BMs!)

If CBS promotes the Red Cross’s Haiti Relief Fund, pick (and then donate).

If Jim Nantz mispronounces the word “Haiti,” pick your brother-in-law’s nose.

If Nantz or Simms mentions “Hurricane Katrina,” pick.

If Nantz or Simms starts to sing “Rock You Like A Hurricane,” pick Klaus Meine’s nose.

If the Colts rush for more than 100 total yards in the game, pick the pizza delivery guy’s nose.

If the Saints fail to generate a turnover, pick your neighbor’s nose.

If game MVP Peyton Manning hoists the Vince Lombardi trophy, pick.

If game MVP Drew Brees hoists the Vince Lombardi trophy, pick your bookie’s nose.

Enjoy the game.

Final prediction: Indianapolis 35, New Orleans 27.