What Was the Reason Tom Cable Was Retained? (Satire)

Josh BroudyCorrespondent IJanuary 24, 2010

ALAMEDA, CA - SEPTEMBER 30: Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis and Tom Cable speak during a press conference after being named new head coach after the firing of Lane Kiffin of the Oakland Raiders at thier training facility on Septemer 30, 2008 in Alameda, California.  (Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)
Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images

So, Tom Cable has been retained by Al Davis!

It wasn't a shock, considering how long it took to develop. I mean, none of us are getting any younger (sorry Al).

Anyway, I've gotten the exclusive dialogue on what Cable said to convince Al to stay (you didn't just believe that did you?).

Tom Cable (has flashcard ): Good meeting with you Mr. Davis, king of football gods.

Al Davis: No problem, Time-Warner.

TC: I thought we agreed that you wouldn't call me that anymore.

AD: I'm your boss. I can do whatever I want, TW.  Well, let's get this interview over with. Why do you deserve to remain at the helm of the most prestigious position in the NFL?

TC: Well, I feel that I did a great job. (sweating) Well, I-uh-I won some games. Bet no one has said that in a dismissal interview before. Whoops!

AD: Good point, good point. But winning five games isn't exactly the commitment to excellence.

TC: Didn't you abandon that motto eight years ago, when you traded Gruden? (silence ) But that's what Kiffin told me. 

AD: You listened to that @#$%? 

TC: I promise I won't ever do it again, if that makes you feel better Al.

AD: You know what promise you can make me? Promise me that the Raiders will make the playoffs!

TC: (Laughs) HAHAHAHAHA. Good one, Al. (Al has serious face.) That was a joke right?

AD: You're not helping your case, Time-Warner.

TC: Sorry, sir. I p-p--what are the consequences (Davis stares)—promise that I, Tom (Davis stares) Time-Warner Cable, will make the playoffs next season.

AD: You ask what are the consequences of breaking a promise. Well, you just made a sacred promise. If you miss the playoffs, you die. Yeah, so what now beeeyatch? (Tom Cable stares confused. ) What? I'm trying to connect with our young fans. So why don'tcha skadiddle out of here? 

And that's the end of the dialogue.