Al Davis-Oakland Raiders: Davis Names His New Coach (Satire)

After several weeks passed without much forward progress, news out of Oakland has surfaced with a hastily-called news conference, complete with the overhead projector.

Al Davis, moving slowly with his walker, peered out at the reporters assembled, and informed everyone that Warren Sapp would be his new head coach for the Oakland Raiders, stunning everyone.

Warren Sapp, who issued a brief comment, said he was never approached and that "the old man had lost it."

Warren, Al stated, in the last couple years seemed to know how and when the team would lose, so obviously this "other-world talent" would help the Raiders win in 2010.

He would be joined by similar-talented reporters, Adam Schefter, who recently went 0-23 on guessing the next Raiders coach, but correctly figured out it would not be Tom Cable. Adam's position would be the team's Offensive Line Coach, as his reporting skills excel in this degree.

As reporters in the audience shook their heads and muttered about Al Davis losing it, Davis also noted that Michael Silver would be brought back in for Wide Receivers, stating that with the way he covered the Randy Hanson interview, maybe he could teach Darrius Heyward-Bey a thing or two about covering a topic to the end. It helped the Napa DA dismiss allegations against Tom Cable, right?

Also named in the press conference was Chris Mortensen, as a Tackling Dummy and Tim Kawakami, as a Linebackers coach. Al felt "he was able to fire up John Herrera in a press conference, and by golly we need that kind of spirit!"

To date, not a single coach showed any interest about the assignments Al contacted and eventually hired them for, as none of them were even interested in working for Al Davis.

Before the press conference was due to end, a slightly disturbed John Herrera quickly approached the table Al was sitting at, with two medical assistants. Quickly wheeling Mr. Davis from the room, a letter was released to the media informing everyone that Al Davis had missed his morning medications and was now resting comfortably.