Sports News From the Future: Warner, Leinart QB Controversy in Arizona (Satire)

After the offseason retirement of Kurt Warner, Matt Leinart inherited the starting job as quarterback of the Arizona Cardinals for the 2010 NFL season.

After four years mostly spent as an apprentice to Warner, he finally inherited the job that sports pundits had been waiting for him to take for years, at the helm of an explosive offense that features wide receivers Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald and running backs Beanie Wells and Tim Hightower.

Warner took an assistant coaching job with the team, working with Leinart and the team's other quarterbacks, in a move allowing him to remain with the team.

After a solid but not spectacular preseason performance by Leinart and with little offensive support, however, the Cardinals are attempting to lure Warner out of retirement.

But here's the catch—they still publicly claim that Leinart is their man.

According to sources, if the team has its way, Warner will only play the first quarter of every game, yielding to Leinart at the beginning of the second period. The move likely knocks Brian St. Pierre out from seeing any mop-up duty this season. Those same sources report that team higher-ups have been in discussions with Warner for the past two weeks.

Likely motivated by the fact that San Francisco's Shaun Hill has surpassed Leinart, now asserting himself as the best quarterback in the division and giving his team better offensive execution, the Cardinals are looking to make a change.

Leinart, for his part, is standing up for himself.

The embattled quarterback released a statement to multiple Cardinals and USC (Leinart's alma mater) fansites. Among the best quotes:

"Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Kurt Warner every Sunday and the chance to one day run an NFL offense has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2006 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend our season deep into the playoffs.

"It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of offensive support from my teammates. Building a great football dynasty is impossible without both.

"But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only four preseason games, with my tenure in its infancy, Cardinals management has decided to react to their terrible difficulties with skill players by making a change in their long-established offense.

"Last Thursday, Cardinals management told me they intended to move my first snaps to the beginning of the second quarter to accommodate Kurt Warner in the first. For the entire history of the NFL, teams have only used one quarterback per game.

"I sincerely believe that delaying my first snaps into the second quarter to accommodate another quarterback will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest offense in the NFC West. A starting quarterback in the second quarter simply isn't a starting quarterback.

"So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy running this offense and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My teammates and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of the Arizona Cardinals football team. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction."

Other quarterbacks around the league have publicly expressed support for Leinart, among them former USC quarterbacks Mark Sanchez and Carson Palmer, Chicago's Jay Cutler, Peyton and Eli Manning, Donovan McNabb, Philip Rivers, and Vince Young. Despite little public comment from Warner and no expressed desire to play another down for the team, many believe his reputation has been hurt worst of all.

We'll have more on this story as it develops further.

(In case you haven't drawn any parallels yet to the Conan O'Brien-Jay Leno-NBC situation, this article is completely satirical. Nothing in this article is true. And for the record, I'm with CoCo.)