Classless Predictions: Conan, Leno, and Nonsense

Playoff Round 1 Results:
Indignant: 2-2
Jaded: 0-4

Indignant: Let’s put it this way: after last weeks performance Jaded deserves to be pulled off the air. He was given his chance and he couldn’t get even one game correct. He’s out and and I’m thinking of bringing in Jay Leno to do this weeks picks. Until then though, I’ve decided to take the Late Night debacle and use it to pick the games this week. I’m going to Conan-Leno-ify the divisional round games. For what it works, I am undoubtedly Team Conan.

Jaded:  I’m not going to sugarcoat this – I was NOT happy last weekend.  If someone would be kind enough to explain to me why Carson Palmer thought it would be a good idea to throw at Darrelle Revis I would appreciate it.  If someone could tell me why the Patriots didn’t play Blind Man’s Bluff with the ‘Nobody believed in us card’ after Welker went down I would be very grateful.  Someone also needs to fill me in on what prayer Kurt Warner used on the sideline to make the referees miss that blatant facemask on Rodgers in a game that would have meant Green Bay playing Minnesota…again.  (I’m not a Packers fan or anything, I just need to use the proper chant on God the next time I need something unlikely to happen to me…like finding success.)  Finally, and most importantly, how in the HELL did Tony Romo beat a team in the Playoffs?  Frankly though, I have no excuses (or explanation) for what happened last week.  Apparently I just suck.  Defending Jay Leno ALSO sucks, so I’m not doing that.  Besides, I’ve pretty much decided Bill Simmons reads our columns (anybody else catch the Jersey Shore predictions) and I’m not about to feed him another pop culture related storyline to write better than I can.  Since I decided not to defend Leno, I needed an idea.  I may or may not have been motivated by my activities last night and decided to write my predictions about what these teams to avoid having a hangover from either the regular season or last week’s destruction of my stellar reputation as a game picker-er.  Besides, last week left me hugging porcelain like it was my job.  I need to recover and it starts now.


Cardinals @ Saints
Indignant: Maybe we can ask Kurt Warner what it was like when Steve Allen and Jack Par used to host the show. He’d wax nostalgic about the glory days and how it was a much simpler times. Or maybe Kurt is more of a Johnny guy. Much like Johnny Carson collectively oohed, ahhed and tickled the funny bone of all of America for 30 years; Kurt Warner has been a winning playoff quarterback for quite some time. He knows how to get it done when it counts. He also has been a student of the game since the times when they used Stegosaurus back plates as shoulder pads. Kurt and Alexander the Great once had a catch across the Hyphasis River. He also learned to throw the out from Napolean. The man has been around the greats since the beginning of time. Maybe Conan should’ve taken notes from Kurt instead of the retarded network executives at N.B.C. On that note, picking the Cards seems too trendy. . . (Saints)

Jaded:  Is anybody else tired of hearing about New Orleans in general?  For fourteen weeks I had to hear how they were the best thing since beer started coming in ten ounce cans.  The last three weeks of the year I had to hear how much like I appeared this morning and to my readers (lol) last week they looked like death.  I realize a team has never won a Super Bowl when losing the last three weeks of the season; history says that.  History also says that New Orleans has never won a Super Bowl before; I guess we have to write them off now, right?  Regardless, if New Orleans wants to avoid being hung over this week it’s pretty simple for them – just win.  I realize it’s tough to pick against Kurt Warner in the playoffs, but it’s also pretty hard to believe that Drew Brees can’t do something to break apart the Arizona secondary.  I also realize that it’s pretty trendy to pick the Cardinals right now, so I won’t do that.  Finally, I realize that by picking the Saints I’m probably going to initiate the BIGGEST non Mardi Gras related hangover in New Orleans history.  Sorry, Louisiana, I’m picking you.  (Saints)

Ravens @ Colts
Indignant: The best analogy (if you haven’t noticed, we like those) to make here would probably have to be something comparing Peyton Manning to either Conan, Leno, or the Tonight Show brand in general. I could also compare the controversy surrounding whether or not to continue letting Conan attempt to build an audience for longer than 7 months to the one about the Colts and rest versus rust. Instead though, I’d like to just ask someone, anyone to slap, kick, electroshock; do ANYTHING to prove that Jim Caldwell is even alive. I swear he’s a robot that Archie Manning or Bill Polian, or some other nefarious Colts enthusiast built. We all know Peyton runs that team and that team thrives off of the offenses’ timing and rhythm. I really see the resting-guys-and-turning-your-nose-up-at-history thing turning into a big off-season story here. (Ravens) 

Jaded:  What part of playoffs and Payton Manning DOESN’T remind you of a hangover?  The man has probably polished off more hard liquor in the postseason than just about anybody.  Does anybody else realize Payton has NEVER won a playoff game when he’s had a bye?  So here’s my advice to Manning and the Colts, if they’re smart they’ll take it.  Instead of watching tape of the Ravens this week they should have been watching tapes of every bad playoff game they’ve ever played.  They need to study every pre-game meal, every pre-game speech, and every pre-game game plan.  Then they need to do the exact freakin’ opposite.  Show up late to the stadium, skip warm-ups, maybe play without helmets?  I’m not sure what, but they need to do SOMETHING differently than every other time they’ve walked into a home playoff game and done something stupid.  Don’t worry about Ray Rice, don’t worry about Joe Flacco, just worry about showing up and exorcising some demons.  It’s either that or figure out what terrible unthinkable deed Payton Manning did in a former life.  God is clearly angry with him about something.  I mean, come on, Ray Lewis killed a man and HE has better luck in the playoffs than the poster-child for perfection wearing #18 for the Colts has had.  Just so you all know, I’m picking the Colts, so get ready to hear allllllll kinds of new stories about Payton choking in January on Sunday.  (Colts)

Cowboys @ Vikings
Indignant: Is there any one who would argue that Jerry Jones trumps even the smarmiest of smarmy television executives. He’s probably even worse than Jay Leno himself. During the game last week there was a clip shown of Jerry and former President Bush high-fiving. One of my friends texted me and pointed out that the clip is probably shown on a loop in hell. I laughed but also nodded in agreement. I think the clip would probably be shown on some crappy clip show hosted by Hells version of Jay Leno too. I think the best comparison to draw from this game has to be either Romo or Wade Phillips though. Either one of them could be compared to Conan (i.e. always being threatened to get shit-canned). You also have the Favre-Leno correlation. Writing about that though, would probably make my head explode with hatred. I’d look like one of those exploding cigars by the time I was done with this paragraph.  In all honesty it doesn’t matter who wins this game. The media’s collective slurptivity next week will mean we all lose. (Vikings)

Jaded:  First of all, it was me who sent that text to Indigant, and I also may or may not have suggested that Hitler and Michael Jackson would probably be holding the remote control and laughing hysterically.  Moving on.  Frankly, Tony Romo finally got the playoff monkey off his back so I’m sure he went to Cabo this week and did jell-o shots off of plenty of strippers’ fun-bags.  So he’s already hung over.  Brett Favre on the other hand?  He’s probably about due for the annual post-non-retirement hangover where he wonders why he keeps coming back when he has just as many Super Bowl rings after getting his ass kicked by NFL linemen tired of him being a media whore for 20+ weeks again.  No matter who wins I would pay big money to be a fly on the wall when the QBs bump knuckles at the end of the game.  One of them is heading home to get harassed by the media and their respective teammates and the other is pouring himself a metaphorical shot of grain alcohol adding more stress to their looming hangover.  Somehow BOTH guys have to win a ring this year to avoid a letdown, I realize I suck at predictions but I’m very confident in saying that won’t happen.  (Cowboys.  I smell 0-3)



Jets @ Chargers
Indignant: The Chargers are a lot like Conan. They always start early (season for SD, career for Conan) with a ton of hype. They then proceed to entertain and invigorate their core audiences, but never seem to gain any headway with Middle America. In the end though, at least every season previous to this one, the Chargers always come up short of living up to expectations. It appears that Conan has done the same. None of his faithful fans ever doubt his comedic brilliance or amazing irreverence. But none of us can deny that some people just don’t get him. We hoped he would figure it out, and in all honesty he hasn’t been given nearly enough time to hone his skills to fit into the earlier time slot. With that said though; he is probably out the door and possibly over to Fox or somewhere else. The Chargers on the other hand, are probably going to be sent to their collective rooms without supper too. Probably not until next week though. (Chargers)

Jaded:  The funny thing about a hangover is how it makes you feel.  Right now I more or less feel like I have the mental capacity of Norv Turner AND Rex Ryan is sitting on my head…simultaneously.  I also seem to be lacking the free will to make a decision about this game.  I keep thinking that Phillip Rivers is too cocky for his own good and if he gets out of line Bowser…err… Rex will probably eat him.  I also feel like Sanchez might relish being back in the warm West Coast atmosphere and suddenly think he’s slinging the ball in Southern Cal again and make about fifteen too many bad decisions which will result in Bowser eating him.  Either way, Rex is eating somebody.  What does this have to do with a hangover?  Absolutely nothing, but I already warned you I’m thinking about as clearly as Norv Turner right now so this should have been expected.  (Chargers)

P.S. Since I’m probably going 0-4 this week, I’m going to make one sweeping prediction that ties together the previous two thousand words of nonsense and might be my only successful post regular season prediction.  NBC is going to experience a post-Conan hangover, and it’s not going to be pretty.  But who else is stoked to see Jimmy Fallon in primetime? 

…kill me.