NFL Playoffs: Wild Card Weekend Drinking Game

A joyous time of year is upon us once again. The NFL Playoffs have arrived.

The silly season has been slain and wild card weekend is ready to rock and roll.

The media hype machine will be rolling and the Brett Favre flourishes will be flowing.

So in order to liven up the season finale match ups replaying as play off games drinking games are in order.

Cheers!

Pregame

Sip slowly at any mention of Brett Favre or Tim Tebow or Kurt Warner. Drink a double at any mention of will Brett retire. Drink a triple if Mike Ditka snarls who gives a crap.

Drink at any appearance of Don Shula dancing to celebrate his undefeated season. Drink a double if he calls the Colts over paid perfumed princes who pussied out. Drink a triple if Ditka slaps him and says if McMahon would have been healthy that Monday Night twenty five years ago we would have kicked your Dolphin ass.

Drink if Ditka stares at onscreen images of Bill Parcells and Mike Holmgren and slurs "Since they are hiring sea creature looking sumabitches to run teams how comes no one makes me a team president.

Drink if the Fox Robot dies a grisly death. Drink a double if any NBA players in the stands engage in a gunfight. Drink a triple if any Bengal is packing sideline heat.

Drink everytime a sideline reporter says "They did not want to fumble down here, this team doesn't like turnovers, its loud down here, these guys look big down here, or this is a team that does not like turn overs."

Sip slowly, because there will be many, at every referee blown call or picky judgement call that disrupts or decides a game. Drink if it seems you are seeing the Ref more then the quarterback. Drink a double if the ref likes this and thinks he is the star of the show.

Buy extra drink if the zebra is the always incompetent Walt Coleman because when Walt waddles onto the field he wants to be the man of the hour.

New York Jets @ Cincinnati Bengals

Drink at every Joe Namath sighting. Drink a double if Namath is necking with Andrea Kramer on the sideline. Drink a triple if Namath is necking with Firemen Ed in the stands.

Drink every time Ocho Cinco is cracked hard enough that he winces, whines, or whimpers. Drink a double for every drop caused by Ocho becoming el gato cobardo. Drink a triple if Buddy Ryan muses on air what terrible things his old safeties Gary Fencik, Doug Plank, Todd Bell, Wes Hopkins, or Andre Waters would have done to Ocho.

Drink if announcer Joe Gibbs says ex Chicago Bear Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson are very good backs and then snaps what kind of morons are running the Chicago Bears anyway?

Drink at every mention of an arrested Bengal. Drink a double if the player was arrested before the game and is still in uniform. Drink a triple if Stanley Wilson shows up in full pads thinking its the Super Bowl.

Drink at every mention of the noble old Brown family being a football tradition. Drink a double if Joe Gibbs mentions that Paul Brown passed over his offensive coordinator Bill Walsh. Drink a triple if Gibb's says "And paybacks a real bitch because Bill beat the Browns twice in the Super Bowl."

Drink if Bengal back Larry Johnson becomes moody and spits on, shoves, or punches a cheerleader, female sideline reporter, female fan, girl friend, or female fan in the stands. Drink a double if Chris Henry's girl friend shows up at halftime and fires out fifteen ways Henry jumped from the truck.

Drink at any mention of a frozen Dan Fouts in Cincinnati or anyone doing the Ickey Shuffle. Drink a double if Hacksaw Reynolds materializes and tackles Pete Johnson during the post game.

Drink a double if its Joe Gibbs doing the Ickey Shuffle and saying Rex Ryan's old man never could beat his Redskins. Drink a triple if Gibb's compares Rex Ryan to a beardless, beached manatee and says he could stand to lose an entire Tom Jones, that is a running back, from his ample girth.  

Drink if Gibb's sings The Green, Green Grass of Home every time Tom Jones' scores. Drink a double if Gibb says Cedric Benson can carry a team but sure don't let him drive a boat or a car.

Drink at every Buddy Ryan live shot. Drink at every Buddy Ryan in old Jet colors television throwback shots. Drink a shot if Buddy is drinking Kentucky Bourbon on the sideline and calling 9 man blitzes against the Bengals.

Drink a double if Joe Gibbs suddenly snarls at fellow booth mate Joe Theismann "I could never stand your whining, candy ass anyway."

Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys

Drink at every glimpse of Jerry Jones' bad botox. Drink a bottle if Jerry actually melts into a puddle of wax on the sideline. Drink a triple if the sizzling pile of wax fires Wade Phillips at halftime.

Drink if Wade Phillips wears Bum's ten gallon hat out. Drink a double if Jessica Simpson is at the game in Eagle green. Drink a triple if she is making out with Terrell Owens in a luxury box. Drink the bottle if Jessica is dancing between TO and Tiger Woods while drunk in the luxury box.

Drink if Andy Reid is eating on the sidelines. Drink if Donovan McNabb looks like he'd rather be playing a video game at home than football in Dallas.. Sip, because there will be many of these, at every time Andy and Donovan mismanaged or mangle simple clock issues.

Drink at every McNabb two hop grounder pass. Drink every time he misses an open man. Drink a double every time he laughs when he does either. Drink a triple if Donovan pukes during a key game moment. Drain the bottle if your an Eagle fan and Donovan and Andy Reid are both puking in crunch time.

Drink if Andy Reid goes into his patented Pure Panic Attack Offense before halftime. Drink a double if Al Michael's says "Did you ever get the feeling Andy does not know what he is doing on game day?"

Drink every time announcers Cris Collinsworth and Al Michaels say Donovan McNabb "Finally got some help on offense". Drink a double when they say but "The kids are still learning and Donovan can not do everything."

Drink if Al Michael's ask Jerry Jones after the game if he ever thought it was a colossal egotistical screw up to fire Jimmy Johnson while drunk? Drink a double if Jerry asks Al how his old buddy OJ is?

Drink a double if Jerry Jones says he is the most interesting man in the world not that silly Mexican beer man.

Baltimore Ravens @ New England Patriots.

Drink at every Ray Lewis look at me dance. Drink a double if he is holding a razor sharp blade and a fresh, bloody scalp when he is doing it. Drink a triple if the scalp belongs to Tom Brady.

Drink if the camera catches Whitey Bulger in the crowd. Drink a double if Bulger is on the sidelines with Bill Belichick.

Drink if someone asks announcer Phil Simms if he misses watching his old team, the Bengals play, that day.

Toast at any Baltimore Colt mention.

Drink every time Tom Brady whines, whimpers, moans, or groans for a flag. Drink a double if Ray Lewis pulls a sharp shive on him and says there is no crying in football. Drink a triple if Giselle's Brazilian bodyguards fill Ray full of lead.

Drink at every shot of Giselle Brady. Drink a double if her twin is with her. Drink a triple if her bodyguards are holding M-4's and viciously rifle butting media members. Drink a triple if Giselle and her twin sister are sitting on Tiger Wood's lap while he toasts a Coors Light to Twins!

Drink if 360 pound Raven Haloti Ngata belly flops Brady like The Goose did to Rich Gannon in a Raven Raider playoff game once. Drink a double if Giselle is grinning at this.

Drink, and gag, at any Art Modell Hall of Fame mention. Drink at every Ed Reed touchdown. Sip slowly, for there will be many, at every easy Raven drop pass and dumb penalty.

Drink at any mention of SpyGate, Charlie Weis, Eric Mangini, Or Romeo Crennell. Drink at any mention of the Delaware Hens. Drink a double if Bill Belichick scream at Phil Simms "Shout the hell up blonde my defense won you your Super Bowl Ring in New York".

Drink a double at any Edgar Allan Poe mention. Drink a double if Jim Nantz pulls out a bottle and slurs "Happy Birthday Old Poe and manically recites The Raven on air."

  Green Bay Packers @ Arizona Cardinals

Drink at every shot of Mrs Warner in the stands. Drink a double is she is getting a back rub from Tiger Woods. Tiger a triple if Tiger is mouthing to the camera "I love cougars!" as he rubs Mrs Warner's back.

Drink every time Kurt Warner thanks Jesus. Drink a double if he thanks Odin, Zeus, Loki, Thor, Nero's Neptune, Ares or Athena. Drink a triple if announcer Troy Aikman says Vince Lombardi was a devoutly religious man and he did not thank Jesus every-time Paul Hornung ran a sweep or paint religious symbols below his big, black glasses every time Max McGee scored with a massive hangover.

Have another if Joe Buck says Amen to that brother and you hear glasses click.

Drink a double if Kurt Warner and Tim Tebow have a half time revival meeting. Drink a triple if John Madden pulls up in the Madden Cruiser smashed, screaming, and painted blue like an ancient Celt.  Drink a triple if Al Davis, Ken Stabler, Ted Hendricks, and Jack Tatum are on the bus.

Drink at any mention of the Richmond Spiders or sightings of any ancient Packer players enjoying the desert dry heat. Drink a a triple if you see Vince Lombardi on the sidelines.

Drink at every mention of what a great old football family the Bidwell clan is. Drink a double if Bill Bidwell sings and dances to "Money That's What I Want" at halftime. Drink a triple if Bidwell mentions he like to go to LA because his stadium is old.

Toast mean old Bidwell if he says the Pottsville Maroons, not his Cardinals, were the true champions in 1925.

Drink if Aikman says I am so sick of hearing about Damn Brett Favre that I could puke. Drink a double if he actually pukes like Howard Cosell once did, into Dandy Don's boots no less, on Monday Night Football.

Drink a double if after midnight ESPN flashes back to a dark studio and you hear Ditka, drunk after dropping a hundred grand on the Jets, singing the Grateful Dead from the floor.

One way or another this darkness got to give. One way or another. One way or another. One way or another this darkness got to give ..