"Pardon the interruption, I'm Mike Wilbon. Tony, Lady GaGa's new video for her song Bad Romance premiered today. What you know about Lady GaGa Tony?"
"I'm Tony Kornheiser and all I know is when I turn out the lights, the ladies go gaga! Get it?"
"Uh, yes. We've gone from PTI to TMI, as in too much information."
"Well . . . I don't think so! Welcome to PTI boys and girls! Today we're going to do something a little different. We're going to give out midseason grades to the Washington Redskins. And first we're going to begin with the Redskins offensive line. Alright Wilbon. What grade are you giving these guys?"
"Tony, I'm looking at them. And they have been hit hard by injuries. Randy Thomas is out for the season. Chris Samuels is out for the season and perhaps his career may be over. And what you are seeing is a bunch of guys who fail to provide protection for Jason Campbell and running lanes for Clinton Portis. If you had to rank the Redskins offensive line with the other teams in the league, you would have to put them near the bottom. Tony, my grade for them is not good. It's a D."
"To me, they are the second worst offensive line in the league after Green Bay, who allowed Aaron Rodgers to be sacked about a hundred times against Tampa Bay on Sunday, a team who was winless before they played the Packers. Here's the problem with the Redskins. The front office does not believe in drafting offensive linemen, at least not in the early rounds where the good ones are. So when the main guys get hurt, there's nobody to replace them. And unless they change that philosophy the quarterback, no matter who he is, will continue to get pounded. So yes, they get a failing grade from me too, D-minus. NEXT!"
"Alright Tony let's go to the running game. Clinton Portis is having a bad year. He has 494 yards rushing and only one touchdown and he was sidelined on Sunday after receiving a concussion in the Redskins loss to the Falcons. He's been this team's best offensive weapon since he was traded here for Champ Bailey. I'm not ready to give up on him yet Tony. I'm giving him a B-minus."
"A B-MINUS? ARE YOU INSANE? LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT CLINTON PORTIS! HE STINKS! Who is the league's rushing leader?"
"My guess is Adrian Peterson."
"And your guess would be WRONG. Chris Johnson of the Titans leads the league in rushing with 959 yards. That's 500 yards more than YOUR BOY, Clinton Portis. You talking about what Portis did in the past but I think it was Janet Jackson who once said back in 1985, What Have You Done For Me Lately. And what has Portis done lately? Not much.
If you had watched Sunday's game instead of doing whatever you old folks do out in Phoenix, you would have noticed that the offense moved the ball with Ladell Betts in the second half. Portis appears to be washed up. So the running game gets a C-minus. Moving on from the running game to the passing game, Santana Moss is still a game breaker and is having a decent season with 33 catches for 500 yards and two touchdowns. But he's not the problem.
The problem is that Malcolm Kelly and Devin Thomas, two guys who were drafted so that they could take the offense to the next level, have flatlined. They have caught a combined 15 passes for 148 yards and one touchdown. Miles Austin did more in that overtime game against the Chiefs than these two have done in eight games. You know what Wilbon? These guys STINK! They are AWFUL and if not for Moss they would get an even worse grade from me. I'm giving them a D and that's generous."
"Yeah Tony I think the purpose for drafting those guys was that Vinny Cerrato wanted a couple of tall, physical wide receivers to complement Santana Moss. And its safe to say that these guys are busts. They don't do a good job of getting open. They don't run good routes. Campbell doesn't trust them. They are both BUMS! GET EM' OUT OF HERE! And let's not forget that Washington is now without the services of their best red zone receiver in Chris Cooley who is out for the season."
"That injury is what I call the curse of the blond hairdo! Did you see Cooley dye his hair blond on that Monday night game Wilbon? What was the purpose of that? Was he trying to start a boy band? He looked like one of those guys from N'SYNC!"
"I'm surprised you know who N'SYNC is Tony. At any rate, I have to agree with you. That receiving game gets a D from me too. And now we get to the quarterback Jason Campbell. We talked about how bad his offensive line is. Well Campbell is on pace to wind up with 50 sacks which is a really high number. His line is so bad that Jason doesn't even bother to look down the field.
All of his passes are little five and seven yard passes and that makes it easy for the defense to blitz because they already know he's not going to throw the long ball. His completion percentage is high at 66 percent but he only has nine touchdown passes and he's only averaging 200 yards passing a game. In light of all the drama that has surrounded him, he has been a model citizen so I'm going to go light on him and give him a grade of C."
"Let me tell you something Wilbon. When I think of Campbell, one word comes to mind, and that's scapegoat. His offensive line is atrocious. His receivers aren't very good. His coach, who used to be the offensive coordinator, will be fired 15 seconds after the season ends. And his new offensive coordinator was calling bingo games last month! This is one of those situations where the quarterback gets too much of the blame.
With what he has had to work with, he has performed admirably. And I hope he can go somewhere next season and hopefully land on his feet because Washingtonians are taking their frustrations out on him and I don't think its fair. At any rate, I agree with you, he gets a C."
"Let's move to the other side of the ball. The Redskins defense has been what we have come to expect and that's consistent. They are once again among the league's best. The Falcons scored 31 points against them on Sunday. That was the first time this defense has given up that many points in nearly two years. Andre Carter, Albert Haynesworth, Brian Orakpo, and DeAngelo Hall are all having good seasons."
"Wait. DeAngelo Hall? The guy who tried to punch out Falcons coach Mike Smith? The guy who was kicked out of Atlanta and cut by Oakland? The guy who has an all-pro mouth, but is semi-pro when it comes to covering wideouts? That guy?"
"Tony, he has three interceptions. He's not great but he's okay. At any rate, I like this defense. They only surrender 19 points a game. They're fourth in yards allowed. They force a lot of fumbles. They don't recover most of them, but at least they force them. Greg Blache, the defensive coordinator, is doing a good job. I'll give them a B."
"This team has a lot of problems but defense isn't one of them. I'll give them a B as well. Next up we got the Head Coach, Jim Zorn. At this point last year Zorn was 6-2. Since then, he's 4-12 and his team has failed to score more than 17 points in 16 consecutive games. You know how I feel about this Wilbon. The guy received a promotion he didn't deserve from a position he had yet to prove himself in. Daniel Snyder made a terrible mistake because Zorn is completely over his head.
Zorn looks completely overwhelmed out there. And his boss undermined him by hiring Sherman Lewis, the former offensive coordinator who was calling Bingo games in Michigan last month. That Redskin offense looks AWFUL! Ask me how bad they look Wilbon?"
"How bad do they look Tony?"
"They look so bad that Sammy Sosa watched one game and his face turned white! They look so bad that Paul McCartney's ex-wife Heather Mills snatched off her prosthetic leg and beat her TV with it! They look so bad that comedian Katt Williams burglarized HIS OWN HOME just so he would get arrested because he couldn't stand watching the Redskins anymore! Jim Zorn, you seem like a nice guy but don't let the door hit you on the behind on your way out! D-MINUS!"
"Yeah I agree with you Tony. Snyder had no business hiring this guy as head coach. It has gotten so bad that Sally Jenkins felt the need to write a column for the Washington Post where she praised Zorn for being a standup guy in the face of this disaster. But what the heck else is he supposed to do? Punch somebody like Tom Cable? He does a crappy job and we're supposed to respect the fact that he's a nice guy? Sorry but I'm not buying that argument. D-Minus for me too."
"And now we aim our bow and arrows at the front office starting with the Executive Vice President of Player Personnel, Vinny Cerrato. Here's the thing. People are wondering why Snyder hasn't fired Cerrato. But I'll tell you why. It's because Snyder is the one making the calls. It was Snyder who wanted Brandon Lloyd, and T.J. Duckett, and MeAngelo Hall, and Albert Haynesworth.
Snyder makes the calls and Cerrato's only purpose is to act as a buffer between the media and his boss. Its the only thing that makes sense. Terrible draft picks, killer contracts, I mean no front office guy can possibly be this inept without a little help. So I'm going to give Cerrato the benefit of the doubt. His grade from me is . . . F-MINUS! HA! GOTCHA WILBON! YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO GO SOFT ON HIM!"
"Cerrato is a bum. He is a toad. He is gum on the bottom of my shoe and he needs to be FIRED IMMEDIATELY! If Snyder wants to turn the fans back in his corner, he should fire Cerrato now. What would be the point in waiting? He should be doing exactly what Cleveland Browns owner Randy Lerner is doing right now and that's searching for a competent replacement. But you're right Tony. F-minus for me too."
"And finally boys and girls, we bring our attention to Redskin owner Daniel Snyder who has accomplished two things. Number one, he has made a ton of money and number two, he has angered an entire fan base.
This team is LOUSY! In all of my years of covering this team, I have never seen them as bad as they are now. Not even during the days of Richie Petitbon who I believe went 4-12, and Norv Turner who in his first season was 3-13, were they this bad. And Snyder deserves to be ripped. He deserves it.
Who wants to pay these ridiculous ticket prices to watch arguably the worst team in the NFL struggle to score 17 points against Kansas City, Tampa Bay, and Saint Louis? And now Danny Boy is banning signs?
FANS CAN NO LONGER BRING SIGNS TO THE STADIUM? WHAT IS THAT ABOUT? As I look at the remaining schedule, the only winnable game is against Oakland and even that's a stretch. The Washington Redskins might not win another game this season! This is sad Wilbon. This team is a disaster and Snyder gets the worse possible grade, F-MINUS-MINUS-MINUS!"
"I agree with everything you said Tony. There are two stages of grief here for Redskin fans. One is anger. That's where they are now. The second one is apathy, which means they don't care. And I never thought I would see the day when these fans would stop caring about the Washington Redskins.
It's so unbelievable I can't even wrap my mind around it. And yet, that's where we're headed. And yes, the owner deserves to be ripped from Fredericksburg, Virginia to Rockville, Maryland. And you know what Tony? I see your F-minus-minus-minus and I'll raise you one. Snyder's grade from me is F-INFINITY!"
"Well you can't possibly get any worse than that. Time to find out where we messed up, Reali."
"Okay Tony. You said that Chris Johnson has 500 more yards than Clinton Portis. To be exact, Johnson has 959 yards to Portis' 494. That's a difference of 465 yards. Janet Jackson's What Have You Done For Me Lately came out in 1986, not 1985. And Wilbon you said that Campbell is averaging 200 yards passing a game but the actual number is 210 yards a game. So there you go."
"Okay Wilbon give the people something to watch tonight."
"It's Tuesday night so I'm going to be switching between Beverly Hills 90210, Melrose Place, and NBA basketball."
"Beverly Hills 90210? Melrose Place? I thought those shows were cancelled ten years ago? Anyway, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to watch Dancing With The Stars and then I'm going to bed. We're outta time. Try and do better the next time. I'm Tony Kornheiser."
"And I'm Mike Wilbon. Same tomorrow knuckleheads. Check out that podcast on iTunes. Let's go back to Bristol."