Sports Nicknames That Should Exist
In recent years, the nickname game has taken a major hit, becoming a lost art within the sports world.
In the past, sports stars not only identified with their respective nicknames, but used them to build brands as well.
Earvin Johnson, for example, essentially changed his first name, opting in favor of the catchier, much flashier Magic, by which he almost exclusively became known.
Similarly, Michael Jordan built an entire sports empire by harnessing and embracing the "air" through which he soared.
And, before them, guys like Joe Jackson and Walter Payton—Shoeless and Sweetness, respectively—used nicknames to transcend their fields of battle.
In contrast, however, many of today's active stars deserve nicknames, but compete without memorable monikers. As a result, main attractions—such as Kevin Durant, Stephen Curry, Tom Brady and Andrew Luck, to name a few—are in desperate need of a little help, and a noteworthy nickname or two.
With these less fortunate stars in mind, we've identified a total of 13 athletes in need of nickname counseling and, fittingly, have paired them up with 13 Sports Nicknames That Should Exist.
In some cases we gave nicknames to those without, while in other instances we replaced unfortunate nicknames with far superior ones. Either way, though, we left each athlete better off in the end, with a suitable nickname that doesn't, but should, exist...until now.
Andrew Luck
1 of 13
Current Nickname: Wolverine (beard inspired), Meal Ticket
Photos like this one make it easy to understand why some refer to Andrew Luck as Wolverine, though we don't consider that nickname sufficiently original or inventive.
Some of his teammates apparently call him Meal Ticket, too—if Luck doesn't perform, his teammates don't eat—which just isn't catchy enough to consistently employ.
With neither option proving to work, we've come up with a far better alternative.
Nickname That Should Exist: The Professor
With all due respect to Grayson Boucher, Luck is the real Professor.
The Stanford grad is, not surprisingly, as cerebral as NFLers come, approaching the game in a philosophical manner that would make even the great Socrates proud.
Whether you find him boring, Luck's natural tendency is to intellectualize the sport he loves to play, and he approaches the most rudimentary of press conferences accordingly, just as a graduate professor would approach a lecture on governing dynamics.
Luck is the NFL's John Nash—minus the schizophrenia—or, more specifically, its most prodigious Professor.
Joakim Noah
2 of 13
Current Nickname: Stick Stickity
According to Joakim Noah himself, Stick Stickity has been his nickname since age 12. But, with all due respect to Stickity, it just doesn't seem like the most likely of nicknames to stick (pun intended).
Simply put, it's hard to imagine an announcer passionately proclaiming, "Another big win for the Bulls tonight, thanks in large part to physical post play from Stick Stickity!"
Nickname That Should Exist: Jo-No
What some nicknames lack in creativity, they make up for with catchy simplicity.
In Noah's case, Jo-No is simply too obvious and easy to resist.
And any further explanation would defeat its purpose.
Damian Lillard
3 of 13
Current Nickname: Sub-Zero, The 0men
Presently, Damian Lillard favors two nicknames, both based around his jersey number, which is of course zero.
Neither, however, works ideally.
For starters, Sub-Zero doesn't flow well enough to exist in daily discourse—no one is going to actually call him that—not to mention it already belongs to someone, and to a someone who is unlikely to want to share.
In contrast, The 0men is a workable nickname with a nice ring to it, but makes little logical sense. Its undetermined connotation—an omen can be a sign of either good or bad things to come—leaves the name with little meaning and even less conviction.
Nickname That Should Exist: Dill
In the most basic way, Dill is a simple and somewhat obvious combination of Damian Lillard's first and last names, which is arguably a sufficient enough reason to run with it.
Its true merit, however, is derived from implications that are perhaps a bit more abstract.
To be specific, Dill is most often associated with pickles, which are both sweet and salty.
As a nickname, then, Dill is perfectly applicable to Lillard, whose sweet jumper regularly leaves opponents feeling salty.
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Tony Romo
4 of 13
Current Nickname: Not Applicable
In truth, Tony Romo does not have a well-established, universally recognized nickname.
And, on the more "unofficial" side of things, a quick Google search yields nothing but inappropriate choices for the uniquely polarizing Cowboy quarterback.
Nickname That Should Exist: The Wrangler
The term Wrangler most frequently refers to a cowboy who specifically handles, or "wrangles," horses.
The nickname, then, perfectly fits Romo, who is not only a Cowboy, but—as the team's quarterback and unquestioned leader—is also in charge of captaining thoroughbreds such as Dez Bryant and DeMarco Murray.
Luis Scola
5 of 13
Current Nickname: The Ice Cream Man
Inspired by his affinity for the up-and-under "scoop" shot, Luis Scola was given the Ice Cream Man moniker during his time in Houston while playing for the Rockets.
It, however, is far from catchy and has mostly failed to follow him from Houston to Indiana.
Nickname That Should Exist: Rees
The name is simple, short, easy to remember and catchy enough to last.
More importantly, combine Rees with "Scola"—so you essentially have ree-scola—and put it all to a certain famous melody, and you've suddenly got more than just a nickname, but an entire bit worth holding onto.
Hidayet Turkoglu
6 of 13
Current Nickname: Hedo, Turkish Jordan
We can immediately dismiss the Turkish Jordan nickname, mostly because it never stuck and never should. The name is both corny and unfitting.
Hedo, on the other hand, is actually just too good. Over the years, it has essentially replaced Hidayet to become Turkoglu's chosen first name.
As a result, he is badly in need of a new, true nickname.
Nickname That Should Exist: Catfish
This nickname was not created in a moment of unbridled genius—like a few of the others—but rather from years of watching Turkoglu up close and personal as a member of the Orlando Magic.
There's really no other justification to add here apart from the obvious facts: Catfish Turkoglu sounds great and makes total sense, once you've compared the player to the actual fish.
Pau Gasol
7 of 13
Current Nickname: The Spaniard, Kung Pow
To Pau Gasol's dismay, but to no one's surprise, The Spaniard never really stuck.
Meanwhile, Kung Pow is an utterly dreadful option, even as a default choice.
The two-time NBA champion clearly needs—and deserves—another nickname, and we're here to help.
Nickname That Should Exist: Doc
We know it's simple, but that doesn't mean it can't work.
Mostly, it's too fitting to ignore.
Both of Gasol's parents worked in medicine—his mother was a doctor—and they more than rubbed off on their vertically gifted son, cultivating an intellectual part of his personality that, today, is more than worth celebrating.
Doc also had dreams of being a doctor—before playing basketball professionally, Gasol actually enrolled in medical school at the University of Barcelona—and, to this day, remains heavily interested in the medical field and highly involved at Children's Hospital Los Angeles.
So, then, Doc it is!
But, do you concur?
Aaron Rodgers
8 of 13
Current Nickname: A-Rod
There's nothing inherently terrible about nicknames created from basic name abbreviations, though they are mostly unoriginal and far from ideal.
And, in the case of Aaron Rodgers, his similarly inspired moniker is particularly problematic.
For starters, he has to share it with two other well-known, modern athletes—Andy Roddick and Alex Rodriguez—a compromise that we think is beneath a Super Bowl champ and two-time MVP.
Of course, the whole concept of sharing is made worse thanks to the inclusion of Rodriguez. Sharing is never preferred, but if you're going to do it, at least ensure that you're in good company, a group from which Rodriguez is certainly excluded.
Nickname That Should Exist: The Big Cheese
Away from the football field, big cheese refers to someone of great power, import and influence.
On the football field, no three adjectives better describe Rodgers, who is widely regarded as the best player at the game's most important and influential position.
Throw in the most obvious fact—Rodgers plays in Green Bay, Wisconsin, a state best known for its cheese—and it's suddenly hard to understand why we are only just now stumbling upon a nickname that is, for Rodgers, as obvious as it is perfect.
Stephen Curry
9 of 13
Current Nickname: Not Applicable
Steph Curry is yet another national sports star that—despite his unquestioned greatness—is somehow without an established nickname.
Well, that's all about to change...
Nickname That Should Exist: Golden Eye
In many instances, the term refers to the 17th installment in the popular James Bond series, although—in recent years—it is more frequently associated with the first-person shooter video game inspired by the film. Likewise, it has also become synonymous with Bond himself, who is known as the world's foremost fictional assassin.
With both Bond and his video game in mind, then, there's an obvious Curry connection. An assassin on the hardwood—as the game's best long-range marksmen—Curry also "kills" his enemies with a precise or "golden" eye.
Of course, we should also mention that he plays for the Golden State Warriors, who call California—or the Golden State—home.
Madison Bumgarner
10 of 13
Current Nickname: MadBum
We know how people arrived at Madison Bumgarner's unfortunate nickname—it's literally just the first three letters of his first name combined with the first three letters of his last name—but we don't know why or what it really means.
Yet, despite so many unanswered questions, we actually do know one thing: The nickname isn't very good.
Nickname That Should Exist: The Gardner, Bum-Gardener
Rather than piecing half of his first and last names together to create a wholly unoriginal moniker, we've used Bumgarner's last name as the inspiration behind a nickname that actually makes sense.
Both variations of our chosen nickname flow perfectly and, more importantly, they are topical.
Just like a gardener who would work in one's yard, Madison Bum-Gardener is an expert at "mowing" things down.
Odell Beckham Jr.
11 of 13
Current Nickname: OBJ
There's absolutely nothing wrong with going by your initials. After all, what's cooler than "reppin'" one's family?
With that said, an athlete of Odell Beckham's caliber needs something more, something bigger and exceedingly extravagant.
Nickname That Should Exist: Hands Solo
Just like the popular Star Wars character Hans Solo—from whom the wideout's new nickname was derived—Odell Beckham Jr. is a high-flying badass.
And while the young wideout may not have the best hands we've ever seen, no one can claim to have better ones.
With that said, his best gift—them massive and downright sticky paws—has to be a featured part in whatever nickname sticks, which completely justifies our switch from Hans to "Hands" Solo.
Of course, the "Solo" in Beckham's nickname makes plenty of sense, too, especially when you consider that he makes miraculous one-handed—or solo-handed—catches like this on the regular.
Kevin Durant
12 of 13
Current Nickname: Durantula, Slim Reaper
The more accepted of Kevin Durant's two nicknames—Durantula—is a play on tarantula, an animal that is neither exciting nor intimidating. More importantly, the eight-legged creepy crawler has absolutely nothing in common with the NBA's best scorer.
Unfortunately, Durant himself actually hates the much cooler, more acceptable Slim Reaper moniker, and whatever the star wants—or, in this case, doesn't want—the star gets.
Which, of course, brings us to the drawing board.
Nickname That Should Exist: Daily Durant, Double D
The nickname we chose for Durant was actually inspired by Durant, Oklahoma, a city not too far from where the NBA All-Star laces them up.
In addition to supporting Durant's Thunder, the small city is also home to The Durant Daily Democrat, a paper from which we derived the Durantula's (wow that's bad) new and improved nickname.
Just like a newspaper, the Thunder's Durant is exceptional in his consistency, delivering at an elite and equally sustainable level every time he touches the floor.
As the league's scoring leader in four of the last five complete NBA seasons—he finished second to Carmelo Anthony in 2012-13—the Daily Durant is the NBA's most reliable talent.
And, if you so choose to shorten his nickname to simply Double D, we promise it's significance won't be lost on anyone, especially within the NBA's predominantly male audience.
Tom Brady
13 of 13
Current Nickname: Tom Terrific
How does a two-time MVP and four-time Super Bowl champion not have a better nickname than Tom Terrific?
Better yet, does anyone actually call him Tom Terrific?
Assuming the answer to the above question is a resounding no, fear not, for we are here to finally bestow upon Tom the type of grandiose nickname he has always so clearly deserved.
Nickname That Should Exist: The Don
We went with The Don here for a few important reasons. First of all, with his recent Super Bowl victory, we feel as though Brady has finally separated himself from each of the NFL's other legendary quarterbacks.
Peyton Manning, for example, has long been in the conversation, but after exiting both the last two seasons in disappointing fashion—combined with Brady's shiny new trophy—the Denver signal-caller doesn't have quite the claim to the throne he once had.
And, as the most prolific player at the game's most scrutinized position, Brady has suddenly risen to the top of the NFL food chain.
Of course, historically, the top is also where The Don sits, no matter the organization.
Though it doesn't have to be the case, many also associate The Don with The Godfather, or gangster life in general. And, considering Brady's newest run-in with the league—I believe we are calling it Deflategate—the connection between Brady and the somewhat nefarious nickname holds firm here, too.
He's powerful, accomplished, respected, revered and sometimes scandalous. He was born Thomas Brady, but you can call him The Don.
Follow Janovitz on Twitter @BrainTrain9
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