Recasting 'The Wire' with Sports Figures

HBO's The Wire, in all of its snitch-hunting, re-upping, stick-up-boy glory, is being re-released in hot, sexy HD on December 26 for the first time ever. If that appeals to you (it should), you should check that out forthwith.

The re-release is nigh, and I'm celebrating it with a sports recasting of (some of) the show's central (and not so central) characters. My casting is based primarily on personality, past history and life philosophy. Aesthetics were considered, but are not the primary concern.

Obligatory warning: You will find yourself passionately disagreeing with some of these picks, which is natural and good. One cannot juggle sports and The Wire—religions, if nothing else—without upsetting certain parishes of thought. Drop your own suggestions in the comments, but remember: This is a happy day.

McNulty and Co. are back. Let's spend time with some old friends.

(Warning: Some links throughout contain NSFW language.)

Tim Duncan—Brother Mouzone

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In another life, Tim Duncan and Brother Mouzone would be door-to-door abacus salesmen.

But in this life, they play the soft-spoken role of worst nightmare to the biggest names in the business. They are artists, and they paint their masterpieces with devastating efficiency.

On the other hand, the San Antonio Spurs big man could stand to learn from the good Brother's suit game.

Strengths: Intelligence, longevity, diction.

Weaknesses: Perfectionist.

Rob Gronkowski—Herc

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They're not going to ask you nicely. Rather, they're going to wallpaper the field/street with the top layers of your skin.

Thus is the M.O. of Rob Gronkowski and Thomas "Herc" Hauk: collect bodies/touchdowns, split heads. They are their units' resident bros, but only one of them has genes that leave television hosts openly salivating. 

Strengths: Brute force, food consumption.

Weaknesses: Subtlety, advanced math.

Gregg Popovich—William Rawls

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"These are for you, Eastern Conference. This one's going up your narrow chances to win the Finals. And this bad boy over here is in your eye."

Gregg Popovich isn't the kind of guy you invite out to gab over Cobb salads, but you stick to the program, give a damn when it's your turn to give a damn and you'll get along just fine.

Strengths: Leadership, hellfire discipline.

Weaknesses: Sugarcoating it.

Eli Manning—Roland 'Prez' Pryzbylewski

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He comes from a storied pedigree. His work, while patchy, ultimately resulted in a couple of the biggest gets in precinct history.

Eli Manning means well but fails spectacularly in the execution. He looks harmless but can mess things up beyond all recognition if left unsupervised. A lot of people think his name and his coworkers are the only thing standing between him and a desk job.

Strengths: Know-how, determination.

Weaknesses: Do-how, targeting the wrong people.

Alexander Ovechkin—Sergei Malatov

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At least Ovechkin is actually from Russia.

Strengths: Muscle, delivering the goods.

Weaknesses: Christmas caroling.

Doc Rivers—Lt. Cedric Daniels

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He sticks up for his unit and isn't afraid to go against the upper brass.

Doc Rivers is the Lieutenant Cedric Daniels of the NBA—ambitious, but not at his men's expense. He's the type of boss who will talk straight to his players and generally places their well-being first. He can be your best friend or a monstrous pain, depending on how you play the game.

Strengths: Leadership, emoting via facial expression.

Weaknesses: Ambition, Bill Simmons.

Tony Romo—Jimmy McNulty

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Before we get into this one, I need you to take a deep breath, because right now, the synapses in your brain are crackling like tram lines searching for the better, righter Detective James McNulty.

Jay Cutler? He's got that boozy, box-spring-on-the-ground je ne sais quoi. But he doesn't care enough. You know the perfect person is out there. You just can't put your finger on it. But Tony Romo? Nah. Too clean-cut. Too nice. He's someone, but not McNulty.

Time and again, I thought these thoughts, and time and again, I found myself coming back to Romo. There are too many similarities. Their talent is matched only by their ability to ruin everything. They make the case as often as they break it, and they spend most of their time catching grief for trying to do too much. 

No one goes from stone-cold confident to cud-chewing bewilderment quicker than Romo-McNulty, and every year, their superiors struggle with the risks and rewards of having them on the job. Some days, they're the hero; other days, they should be put on a boat to nowhere.

Strengths: Instincts, decision-making.

Weaknesses: Instincts, decision-making. 

John Calipari—Mayor Carcetti

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Clever, determined and just greasy enough to get the job done.

Strengths: Recruiting, political jujitsu.

Weaknesses: Skeletons, closets.

David Ortiz—Bunk Moreland

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Seasoned veterans in the art of profanity, David Ortiz and the Bunk know how to wield choice words.

Both are also fastidious suit-and-tie individuals, which is to say they are grownups.

Strengths: Fashion, expressing himself.

Weaknesses: Lefties, "country s--t."

Brittney Griner—Snoop

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She'd play with the boys if most boys weren't terrified of her. 

Strengths: Dexterity, agility, hair.

Weaknesses: Hubris; small, sneaky people.

Russell Westbrook—Bodie

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Huge chip on his shoulder and perpetually angry about not being trusted to run the operation.

Russell Westbrook is hungry, and sometimes, even he is surprised by what he's capable of. Also, when you get down to it, he looks like, a lot like, Bodie.

Strengths: DGAF attitude, DGAF wardrobe.

Weaknesses: Pride, shooting from distance.

LeBron James—Stringer Bell

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Smart, businesslike and 100 percent about the end game.

LeBron James has a vision for the future, and it involves getting his team out of the bottom-dwelling mentality and into championships. This means bringing in former enemies and wrangling a platoon of individual egos, which, as always, is proving more difficult than anticipated.

Like Stringer Bell, James is not a lover or a fighter. He's just a guy trying to transcend the game, and he's not afraid to leave town to link up with a superior product.

Strengths: Business sense, adaptability.

Weaknesses: Impatience, male pattern balding.

Jon 'Bones' Jones—Marlo Stanfield

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Came on the scene young, flipped the world upside down and has been pissing off every living organism that moves ever since.

Jon "Bones" Jones is UFC's Marlo Stanfield. He takes what he wants and leaves a trail of bodies in his wake.

His name is his name, and his pigeons are his pigeons. And don't you forget it.

Strengths: Cunning, precision, brutality.

Weaknesses: ???

Kobe Bryant—Omar Little

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He's lost about five steps. His legs are beat to Pasta Roni. And somehow, he's still adding to the body count.

Kobe Bryant is an institution in these streets. When he rolls up on your spot, you drop the G-pack out the window with some dog treats for the road. Some young bucks think they could take him; however, most choose to cut their losses. There's a reason this cat is still alive after all these years, and while a lot of folks would like to see him gone, he's going out on his own terms. Or due to a dumb, freak occurrence. 

And, of course, Kobe don't scare.

Strengths: Preparation, high pain threshold, inability to crack.

Weaknesses: Trusting others, asking for help, Kenard.

But...where is Wallace? 

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