Confessions Of a Self-Absorbed Bleacher Creature

Illya HarrellAnalyst IIJuly 30, 2009

Yes, I am one of "those guys". I spend most of my Bleacher Report time admiring my own profile. Hitting the "F5" key every five minutes—always on a five or zero minute number. 

I don't even read any articles—well, besides my own.

Usually, I just look at Leroy's profile page and skim a couple of the articles that he posts. Then just vote them "Pick of the Day" without leaving a message. That way members will think I am a behind-the-scenes kind of guy.

Sometimes I will leave, "This article has left me speechless." But not very often. And I keep a list of B/R writers whose articles on which I have left that comment so to refrain from doubling.

Using the "Control F" feature, if I notice an article with comments that say "profound" or "poetic", I will add "beautiful" or "touched me" to my message. These articles are mostly written by Saraswathi Sirgina and Damali Binta Yael.

I do, however, read all articles that mention me by name. Last night, for example, I was cruising the site in hopes of finding something that applauds my commentary. I stumbled across Mohamed E.M's wonderful slide show, "My Way to Thank People on B/R."

I totally expected to find myself on his list, and I was quite pleased and just a tad surprised that he had saved me for last. So I fanned him immediately.

Speaking of fanning people, I mostly do so for only the highest ranked and most active writers. This is in hopes that they will return the favor, read my articles (all of which are ghost written by my neighbor), and pass them along to others.

I also tell my neighbor to drop as many names as possible. I feel that this will boost my Bleacher Report popularity.

In between my F5s, I enjoy looking at my 15-year-old profile picture. Although it was taken so long ago, I can't remember whether or not I airbrushed acne from the left side of my chin.   

I do reply to comments on the articles my neighbor writes for me.

Any opportunity to say that I spent two years in Prague gives me more of an international air and surely makes me a hit with the European regulars.  What I neglect to mention is that while there I was looking for that Bulgarian woman I had met in a video chat room.

Now I do understand that by coming clean, I will most likely lose a few fans. But it is my hope that in doing so, my honesty will gain more fans than I lose.

It's a risky gamble, but if I lose Cliff Eastham and Daniel Abbas while recruiting BabyTate, Dorothy Willis, and Gray Ghost, my mission will be accomplished.

In closing, and in the words of my best friend, Rocky Getters, "The above article is meant for humorous purposes only. No one (and no website) is directly or indirectly meant to be insulted or belittled. B/R is a wonderful website, and I endorse its awesomeness."