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It's Spring, and the Patriot-Haters Are Back: It Just Makes Me Hermatile

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It's Spring, and the Patriot-Haters Are Back: It Just Makes Me Hermatile
(Photo by Donald Miralle/Getty Images)

It happens every year. Every spring here in New England, just like the black flies that we have to endure, the Patriot-haters are out in droves.

They swarm you as you comment on those great New England Patriot articles. Heaven help you if you are the author of a Patriots tribute article or preseason analysis—you're going to be busy trying to brush them off and away.

They get to be a bit more than just a nuisance. Honestly, they just make me hermatile.

The buzzing they emit makes you swat at them, but they are always elusive. You’ve heard the buzz, “ZZZCHEATERZZZ”, “ZZZBELICHICKZZUCKZZ”, "ZZZBRADYZZKNEEZZZ", all in a nonstop whine.

Just when you think you have them squashed with a hard-callused hand, just like squashing a hater comment with a fully comprehensive, well thought-out argument, they squeeze out from underneath just to nag you some more: “ZZZPATZZUCKZZZ”

Is it not enough that we had to endure most of the offseason with a thousand “Peyton Manning, Eli Manning, Donovan McNabb, Carson Palmer, and everybody else is better than Tom Brady” articles? Well hello, he didn’t play but a few plays from scrimmage last year. It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out statistically everyone else had him beat last year.

The Patriot-haters are back to irritate us once again. You can recognize them almost immediately in the comment threads in your articles.

If you spot anything like, “Brady is overrated” or “Belichick is a cheater,” you might have a problem. If you see anything referencing “Tuck rule” or “Spygate” as a reason for the Patriots' success, then you know that you have an infestation.

I’m not sure what brings them out.

Is it because the NHL and the NBA have finished up their championship series? Is it because the MLB is in the middle of the doldrums of the season?

Those are the normal distractions that will draw the haters elsewhere. But here it is spring, and preseason will be opening soon. This is the prime hater season.

It’s gotten so bad the Farmers' Almanac is even starting to track and forecast the severity of the plague every year.

Unfortunately Patriots fans, this year’s prediction is pretty dim. Haters are projected to be excessively thick this year, and I don’t mean just in numbers.

I have some suggestions for those tried and true fans.

They say that ignoring haters makes them go away, but trust me, they are always hovering around, and as I said, they do swarm.

Mosquito netting is not effective. Bug spray can help toughen up your skin, but spraying it on your monitor won’t make them go away.

A bug zapper does no good unless you can figure a way to wire it to a hater's keyboard.

You’re just going to excite them by citing the Super Bowl statistics. They will break out some “what if” statistics on you that will spin your head if you try that.

The one true aid that I have found is to surround yourself with a few favorite diehard Patriot fans. Don’t go at it alone when you don’t have to.

Look, we don’t need to apologize for their team’s anemic offense. It’s not necessary to point out their head coach’s senior moments or Alzheimer fits. It’s not our fault that their quarterback is not qualified to carry Brady’s clipboard. But mentioning those things during a debate will draw a lot more haters, just like the pests that they are.

By the time the regular season begins, most of the noise will subside. Until then, are we reduced to just putting up with the haters?

They don’t listen to either facts or solid and sound analysis. They can only spew the drunken rantings of their bar room cronies.

I raise the rally cry to the Patriot nation: Man your keyboards and collect your verbiage.

We shall be locusts to the gnats and leave behind destruction in our wake.

I say hold! Hold! Do not shoot your one-liners until you see the whites of their eyes.

I call on all Patriot fans. I’ve had enough, and they have made me hermatile.


To Editors: Hermatile is not a real word yet. I figure if I use it often enough I'll get it in to Webster's Dictionary eventually. Hermatile: extreme and excessive bitchy behavior (not gender-specific). Further definition can be found at the following link:

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hermatile

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