It's that time of the year again.
The leaves are falling, the drinks are pumpkin-spiced and Christine from HR is having everyone over for a "Hallowork party." Sigh. This again.
It's not that you're against Halloween, but Christine is the type of person who says "work hard, play hard," and you know she's going to play Bruno Mars and hand out Peep-flavored jello shots. That's not exactly your cup of cider.
I have a tip for you, however: Just dive into Halloween.
Stop saying you're too old and just cave in now. You'll save yourself some trouble, and you can wear an awesome/topical sports costume that you'll ruin with alcohol.
If you're having trouble deciding on a costume, that's fine. Here are a number of suggestions for some ridiculous sports-themed Halloween costumes. Have a happy and safe one, and play some "Monster Mash" for me.
Image via Getty
Costume: A New England Patriots, New York Jets or Denver Broncos Tebow jersey, jean shorts, socks and sandals are preferred.
Accessories: John 3:16 eye blacks. A stack of resumes done in crayon or Comic Sans.
You're Jobless Tim Tebow, and you're not too proud to beg. You'll play for anyone. Are you willing to high school ball? Sign me up. How about Pop Warner? You're just super excited to play with such a talented group of fourth graders.
The key to pulling this one off is the resume you hand out. Make it detailed. Have a section titled "Strengths" and include "Running shirtless in the rain" and "Fingerpainting." Don't be afraid to throw in a winky face.
Also, put some hobo-style patches on that jersey. Times have been hard, and you've been eating nothing but possum pops and hobo chili for the past six weeks.
Costume: Suit and tie. Spectacles.
Accessories: Gray wig, or silver hair treatment. Small boom box or media player.
Being David Stern means being the bad guy and loving it.
The first step is getting a suit, graying your hair and putting a smirk on your face—maybe even a sign around your neck that says "The Commish."
After that, it's time for the main event—the boom box/media player. You want this to be something you can carry around. Download the sound of a crowd booing and hit play on that sucker every time your walk into a room.
The crowd "boos" while you wave and smirk at the room like it's your job. Because it is.
Costume: Jay Cutler jersey, pads and Chicago Bears helmet (if you can get one).
Accessories: Tons of fake (or real) cigarettes, crutches. Curmudgeon look on your face.
Old Smokin' Jay Cutler will be a Halloween institution by the time it's all said and done, and this year's edition comes with crutches and a freshly torn groin!
Make sure to limp around the party puffing up a storm and complaining about how the bathrooms aren't "Cutler accessible."
If you really want to get fancy, put a sign on your groin that says "Week 9: Doubtful, Kristin Cavallari: Day-to-Day."
Costume: Leather shirt made out of couch upholstery, a painted-on pair of skinny jeans, a Miami Heat jersey, a Chicago Blackhawks jersey and the jersey of whoever wins the World Series.
Accessories: The hats of historically successful franchises and currently winning teams. L.A. Lakers, Denver Broncos, heck, even the Kansas City Chiefs at this point. Stack 'em high. Sweatbands and ridiculous earrings are encouraged.
Being the driver of the bandwagon isn't easy. You're going to sweat a lot under all these hats and jerseys, but it'll be worth it. You'll be a winner.
Not really, but you can act like it.
Costume: Yellow hazmat suit, gas mask, rubber gloves and rubber boots.
Accessories: Loofa, sign that says "Bucs MRSA Task Force."
It's a little topical, but if you're in the company of sports fans who keep up with the NFL, they'll know you're pretending to be a hazmat specialist trying to prevent the spread of MRSA through the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
Or they'll think you're Walter White. Either way it works out.
Costume: Scraggy mustache/facial hair, no shirt, handcuffs and orange pants.
Accessories: Tongue lolling out, faraway look in your eyes.
You can look like a freshly arrested Desmond Bryant, it's just all in the presentation of the tongue and eyes. If you see anyone dressed up as a police officer, make them pour drinks into your mouth.
Being jacked and having a neck as wide as a Donkey Kong barrel doesn't hurt, either. If you need to clarify a bit further, Sharpie "Miami-Dade Sherrif's Dept." and "Desmond Bryant" on your back and chest.
And above all else: NEVER CLOSE YOUR MOUTH.
Costume: T-shirt (white or black), black jeans and black shoes.
Accessories: Gigantic sunglasses, cigar, chain, bottle of champagne and a fancy watch.
Repeat these lines:
"Yo, it's the Jigga man. Just wanted to talk to you 'boutcha contract...Cha-makin' 10 mill, thinkin' Roc Nation could getcha two trillion. HOV!"
Walk around the party offering people dressed up as athletes ridiculous amounts of money and taking pictures with them throwing up the Roc.
If someone says they want to go outside, say you're the "Pablo Picasso" of going outside, and you think you could make a trillion dollars if you got outside together.
Costume: If you can get this Pigeon costume, get it; if not, get creative and make some wings.
Accessories: Walkie talkie, hand held camera. Maybe a 'Bama visor.
Timothy the Robotic Pigeon Spy is a robotic agent of the Alabama Crimson Tide, and he's trained to spy on opposing teams. As such, you should spend your Halloween stalking people and reporting back to Nick Saban.
Use code names like "Night Hawk," "Big Daddy Sabe Sabe" and "Mr. Whisker Biscuits." Start screaming in English, stop and then say, "I mean...coooo."
Costume: Suit pants, dress Shoes.
Accessories: Cast on left arm, eye black and a big smile on your face.
"Party Gronk is in the house toniiight!"
There it is—the only line you need to say all Halloween (besides "Yo soy fiesta").
Also, if you're dressing up as shirtless wrastlin' Gronk, you'll obviously need to wrestle people at random. If you're the type of person who dresses up as the Gronk on Halloween, this won't be a problem.
Don't forget to slam your cast around as much as possible. If you can rig a bottle opener on it, you'll be a hero.
Costume: Puig jersey, baseball pants, cleats and L.A. Dodgers hat.
Accessories: L.A. Dodgers chain, basket of candy to throw at people.
Hustle everywhere. You're Yasiel Puig, and you've got the heart of a lion.
Show up to the party with a basket of Peeps and start throwing. It's okay, they're soft and nobody wants to eat them anyways.
Also, make sure to celebrate like crazy for small victories. If someone fills up their cup at the keg, jump on their shoulders and scream. If you can speak Spanish, even better. Do that all night.
Costume: Go to Goodwill, buy the most outrageous suit jacket and tie combo they have.
Accessories: Microphone, pocket square.
I can't explain to you how to be Craig Sager—the man is a myth and mystery to us all.
However, if you can get a friend to dress up as Gregg Popovich, you could have comedy gold on your hands.
Just make sure if you sit down, you stay awake.
Costume: Furry vest/sarong, Andrew Luck jersey.
Accessories: Bushy beard, caveman club and Geico sign.
Andrew Luck looks like a caveman, and if you don't agree with me, you can giiiit out.
Costume: Sherlock Holmes cap, overcoat, suit pants and J.R. Smith jersey. Basketball shoes will work, too.
Accessories: Bubble pipe, magnifying glass and timepiece.
Walk up to someone with the magnifying and glass and say this in your best British accent:
"I do say. Are you perchance, trying to get the pipe? Yes, this bubbly one. No? Cheerio then."
Rinse. Repeat. Enjoy all Halloween.
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Costume: Matt Schaub jersey, pads and (beer) helmet.
Accessories: Wrist Coach playbook with "Pick Six" and "Almost a Pick Six" written in each section. Beer you can hand to other people.
For every beer you drink, you give away two. You just can't keep that thing around, and if you're really zealous, you could end the night by burning your own jersey.
Also, get twitchy whenever someone knocks on the door. It's probably some psychotic Texans fans.
Costume: Johnny Manziel jersey, Scooby Doo costume, skinny jeans and various hats.
Accessories: Monopoly money, autographed pictures of Johnny Manziel, Texas Longhorns tattoo and cupcakes with Drake's face on them.
Go, young sports fan. Unchain your inner creativity and be free. There are so many Johnny Manziel costumes/jokes you can capitalize on. Let your imagination run wild.
If you need me, I'll be downstairs hooking up the smoke machine in the john. They never see that coming.