The Least-Knowledgeable NFL Mock Draft Ever

JJ SSenior Writer IApril 16, 2008

Ah, it's that time of year again. Major League Baseball is getting into the swing of things, the NHL and NBA are entering playoff mode, and college basketball has just wrapped up another exciting season.

So, you know what that means:

All NFL Draft coverage, all the time.

Well, I'm sick of it, so I'm vowing not to watch a single minute of pre-draft coverage on ESPN. 

However, this doesn't mean I can avoid the mock drafts. There have been a lot of good ones on this site, but I've also read my fair share of pretty bad ones that get the classic anonymous comments of "wow, you're an idiot" or personal insults that are much, much harsher.

This is my 2008 NFL Mock Draft, that has absolutely no factual basis behind it and it meant to be purely fictional. So, don't say that "you're an idiot for having x player going to y team, because that's the point.

Without further ado, here's my 2008 NFL Mock Draft:

1.MiamiMichael Beasley, Kansas State. In a shocking move, the Dolphins select Beasley, citing that "if we didn't get him, some NBA team would." Dolphins fans are enraged, but feel this was still a better pick than Ted Ginn Jr.   
2.St. Louis—Chris Long, Michigan. Getting a big, bruising offensive tackle was very important for the Rams. With Long in the fold, Marc Bulger will have even more time to think about which defensive back he'll be intercepted by.   
3.AtlantaVernon Gholston, Ohio State: In a preemptive move of pity, the Falcons take Gholston to finally give Buckeye fans something to cheer about. This move is made with the understanding that Matt Stafford and Knowshon Moreno will combine for 500 yards of offense as Georgia defeats Ohio State 55-7 in the 2009 BCS Title Game.    
4.OaklandChris Long, Michigan. After being told Long is already off the board, owner Al Davis accuses the NFL of plotting against him once again. A battle between Davis and Roger Goodell ensues until Ed Hochuli comes and tells Davis he's "had enough of this crap." Hochuli then decides to make Oakland's pick for them and selects DeSean Jackson. Raider Nation is infuriated and rushes the stage, but, being Ed Hochuli, he fights off every one of them (even this guy) with his own two hands.   
5.Kansas CityDarren McFadden, Arkansas. The Chiefs are doing a massive remodeling of Arrowhead Stadium, and McFadden can help. Why? Because he's got dat wood. In a bout of gloating ecstasy, Nutt e-mails Lou Holtz this, telling Holtz he should quit analyzing football and stick to dancing in music videos. However, Holtz, feeling delightfully evil, replies to Nutt with this. Ouch.   
6.New York JetsJake Long, Virginia. The Jets draft Long with the knowledge that, one day, he'll make a hell of a Redskin.    
7.New EnglandCurtis Gatewood, Vanderbilt. A surprise pick here that raises some eyebrows. As more information comes out, it becomes apparent that the Bills were planning on taking Gatewood with their fourth-round pick, and rumors have it that the Patriots bugged the Bills' War Room. The ensuing controversy is called "The Well-Krafted War." Duh.   
8.BaltimoreRyan Clady, Boise State. In an effort to jump-start their offense, the Ravens decide to add some trick plays into their playbook. They figure Clady knows something about that, but unfortunately, they forget that he's an offensive lineman. Despite that, Clady will end up throwing six incomplete passes and rushing 14 times for a grand total of 1.3 yards on the year. He's declared a major bust by the Ravens front office.   
9.CincinnatiAqib Talib, Kansas. You gotta admire Cincinnati's persistence, as character concerns have dropped Talib much farther down in the draft. While Talib may clean up his act after entering the NFL, he's probably on the USA's "Terrorist Watch List" just because of his ethnic-sounding name, so one mention of weed in a casual conversation will probably lead to 50 feds and a swat team at his door within minutes.   
10.New OrleansTerrelle Pryor, Ohio State. Keeping with the theme of southern sports teams sticking it to Ohio State, the Saints break a slew of NFL rules and steal Pryor away from the Buckeyes. Michigan fans rejoice, but are quickly brought back down to earth by the fact that THEY LOST TO APPALACHIAN STATE last year.    
11.Buffalo—Matt Ryan, Boston College. Since the Bills love screwing J.P. Losman over, they decide to add another quarterback to their system by taking Ryan. Losman drops to third on the depth chart behind Trent Edwards and Ryan, but quickly becomes the best "water-getter" Dick Jauron has ever had.    
12.DenverGlenn Dorsey, LSU. The Broncos quickly trade Dorsey to Cleveland and then trade for him back just so they can have another ex-Brown on their defensive line.    
13.CarolinaPhillip Merling, Clemson. I have no clue what the Panthers draft needs are, so why not? His name kind of sounds like Merlin, so maybe he can magically turn Jake Delhomme back into a decent quarterback.    
14.ChicagoJerod Mayo, Tennessee. The Bears need wide receivers, a running back, and a quarterback, so taking a linebacker here makes perfect sense for Jerry Angelo.    
15.DetroitJonathan Papelbon, Boston Red Sox—In a brilliant move of cross-promotion, the Lions draft Papelbon and give him to the Tigers, who desperately need more pitching if they want to contend in the American League Central. In return, the Tigers send Brandon Inge to the Lions. After all, if Inge can play third base, catcher, and all three outfield positions, why can't he play strong safety?   
16.ArizonaTony La Russa, St. Louis Cardinals. Did I just make two baseball picks in a row? Oh well. La Russa will come over to Arizona and promptly find a way to micromanage the NFL's Cardinals by putting the right-handed Kurt Warner in against a predominantly right-handed defense and the left-handed Matt Leinart in against a predominantly left-handed defense. The Cardinals ultimately finish the year 2-14.    
17.MinnesotaErnest Wheelwright, Minnesota. The Vikings' plan is to confuse defenses by yelling "Wheelwright" a lot, making them think that Minnesota will be running a wheel play to the right. Instead, it'll just be Travaris Jackson throwing an incomplete pass, but hey, at least they'll have got into the heads of a defense.   
18.HoustonBrian Brohm, Louisville. Immediately after his selection, Brohm quits football and goes to live on the mean streets of New York City, citing the fact that "The Bronx is still safer than the pocket with the Texans."   
19.PhiladelphiaCharlie Day, Paddy's Irish Pub. If you've never watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, then I apologize for you not getting the reference.    
20.Tampa BayMartin Rucker, Missouri. You know what? I just wanted T-Ruck to go in the first round. Sue me.    
21.WashingtonFelix Jones, Arkansas. Jones and current Redskins running back Clinton Portis seem to be similar players, except Jones has never taken his mom to his high school prom.    
22.DallasColt Brennan, Hawaii. This pick was made just in case Terrell Owens starts complaining about Tony Romo just to show him that it could be much, much worse.   
23.PittsburghKeith Rivers, USC. hhhmmm. Scouts Inc. has him rated as the No. 8 player in the draft. What he's doing available at the 23rd pick is beyond me.    

Tennessee—Fred Davis, USC. Davis was coached by Pete Carroll, who probably will find a way to channel some inner spirit into Davis that allows him to catch 100 passes for 1,200 yards and 25 touchdowns. He's Pete Carroll, he can probably do it.

25.SeattleDurant Brooks, Georgia Tech. The Seahawks were coaxed into doing this by the Sonics management, which was sick of taking flack for "Durant not being in Seattle for much longer."   
26.JacksonvilleBrandon Albert, Virginia. I don't know much about Albert, but he's rated pretty high and the more blocking that Maurice Jones-Drew gets, the more awesome, exciting 77-yard runs he'll get. It's a win-win for anybody who doesn't play Jacksonville.   
27.San DiegoTrevor Hoffman, San Diego Padres. My second-to-last baseball one, I promise. The Chargers are known for choking in big situations, so they draft Hoffman just to have somebody to confide in who knows what it's like to blow big games over and over again.   
28.Dallas—Andre Woodson, Kentucky. A bad Botox injection causes Jerry Jones to lose his mind on draft day, which then leads to Jones drafting two quarterbacks in the first round. His reasoning went something like this  
29.San FranciscoBarry Bonds, Outcast. Since no MLB team will take a flier on him because of the mass media firestorm he'd create in the clubhouse, the 49ers take him with the 29th overall pick. Pedro Gomez immediately pulls himself out of the gutter he's been living in since Bonds has been out of baseball and promptly reports to San Francisco to ask Bonds about his helmet size.    

Green BayChad Henne, Michigan. The Packers hire Ashton Kutcher to hide at Aaron Rodgers' house and, after the selection of Henne, jump out and yell "YOU JUST GOT PUNK'D!" at Rodgers. In a fit of rage, Rodgers punches Kutcher in the throat, rendering his vocal cords useless and doing a massive service to the United States of America. 





New England—As added punishment for "Spygate," the NFL orders New England to watch David Tyree's catch on a constant loop for fifteen minutes until the Giants make their pick. 

New York Giants—Mario Manningham, Michigan. This is the guy the Patriots probably would have picked with the 31st overall selection, so the Giants take him just to rub it in a little more that they handed New England their only loss of the year.