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9-7
Three of the last four years, the Dallas Cowboys have finished with a 9-7 record. While 9-7 can help fans forget the 5-11 three-peat from 2000-2002, the Stadium in Arlington Yet to be Named will suffer the same fate as the now-deceased Texas Stadium.
The Dallas Cowboys will go 9-7 again in 2009.
They will lose both to the Giants and split home games with the Eagles and Redskins. Dallas will benefit by playing two tough NFC South teams at home and the weak AFC West.
Parody will likely ruin this prediction like Jar-Jar Binks ruined Star Wars: Episode I. In light of parody, let's try to figure out what has to happen to move the Cowboys either up a tier to Super Bowl contender or down a tier to "Now on the clock..."
Let's assume that any significant development, such as Brad Johnson taking over for Tony Romo or Jay Ratliff becoming a Pro Bowler out of the seventh round, can swing wins and losses by at least two games.
Assuming that, we will try to predict how Dallas could in up in each of the four tiers: Now On The Clock, Dave Campo Rides Again, One Trick Tony, or Empire Strikes Back.
Now On The Clock
The Cowboys finish with a measly three wins, "highlighted" by thrilling victories over the Raiders on Thanksgiving and the Redskins for their only win at Tom Landry Stadium (the only acceptable name for the new stadium).
Jon Kitna takes over for an injured Tony Romo and leads the NFL in interceptions. Roy Williams leads the NFL in poorly-run routes, while Jason Witten leads all tight ends in double-coverage.
Marion Barber, Felix Jones, and Tashard Choice rush for over 1,600 yards as a group, but struggle through constant eight-man fronts.
The defense can pressure the passer, with DeMarcus Ware leading the NFC in sacks again and facing fewer double teams with the stable of other pass rushers racking up sacks. However, the inside linebackers and safeties look slow and shy to tackle, so teams destroy Dallas on draws, screens, and quick outs.
The special teams are a disaster as Nick Folk's injury and Mat McBriar's over-use expose unprepared units. Sam Paulescu tests positive for performance-enhancing substances.
Dave Campo Rides Again
Cowboys fans love Dave Campo, but fear any scenario of Jerry Jones replacing Wade Phillips with Campo. If the Cowboys start 1-4 though, Jones could fire Phillips and replace him going into the bye with Campo. Campo will go 4-7 in his interim position, and once again, the Cowboys will finish 5-11 under Campo to finish the decade like they started it.
Tony Romo and Jason Garrett will be barking at each other on the sidelines as both realize without Terrell Owens the offense isn't very "Romo-friendly." Jason Witten will score 11 touchdowns as Romo leans on the only guy he trusts in the passing game, turning into a football version of Stockton and Malone.
Choice, Jones, and Barber will rush for a combined 2,000 yards and score 15 touchdowns following the behemoth offensive line plowing down the field.
DeMarcus Ware finishes with 13 sacks, with the outside linebacker rotation on the right side struggling to 12 sacks. Jay Ratliff and Bradie James have solid, but unspectacular, campaigns in the middle of the defense.
Terence Newman finally reaches elite status as a shut-down corner, but teams routinely pick on the Cowboys over-eager safeties and inexperienced corners.
The special teams units improve from one of the worst kickoff-coverage teams in 2008, but the Cowboys returners make no impact on the field due to injuries.
One Trick Tony
Tony Romo seems like he's just a 9-7 quarterback, and the Cowboys are a 9-7 kind of team in a $1.1 billion, 16-0 kind of stadium with 16-0 kind of hype and fans.
Dallas makes the playoffs, but sneaks in as the fifth seed, so no home playoff game to help pay for Tom Landry Stadium (if you type it, they will name it).
Romo scores high in fantasy football again, connecting with All-Pro Witten for 1,000 yards and eight touchdowns. Even Roy Williams has a respectable 800 yard, seven touchdown campaign. Couple that with another 15 touchdowns from Miles Austin, Martellus Bennett, and Patrick Crayton, and you're watching a real good passing game in Dallas.
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