The 2008 NHL Playoff Picture: Police Squad Makes It a Little Clearer

Well, here on Bleacher Report we’ve got our own little “playoff pool” going. It includes Derek Harmsworth, Danielle Marchell (if I’m pronouncing this right in my head then it rhymes—that’s beside the point though), Thayne Hallyburton, and myself.

Each of us will publish an article detailing our playoff choices for each round, with the winner being determined through some strange system that Derek is making up.

Needless to say, if I want to win I can’t do it on my own, so here to help is Frank Drebin from police squad!

Note: If you aren't familiar with the Naked Gun series, then shame on you—you should be. After you read this go and rent all three of them. If you are, some of the references may require a quick trip to IMDB or a re-watching all three movies.

1st Montreal Canadiens vs. 8th Boston Bruins

Bryan Thiel: Personally, I’m worried for Carey Price. Yes he had a great regular season (24-12-3, 2.56 GAA, .920 Sv%), but he’s still only a year and four months older than me, and I still get nervous on first dates—I have no clue how he does this “NHL starting goalie” thing.

That said, I think he’s better than Tim Thomas (Although I think Thomas is a quality starter), and Les Habitants should be fine in net in this series.

The same can be said for out front, as Patrice Bergeron could return (although he only played ten games this season) and Marc Savard is out for the Bruins, while the Canadiens are only missing Saku Koivu on an offense that scored 50 more goals than the Bruins this past season and featured seven players with 50+ points.

Defensively, the Bruins are larger than the Habs, sporting a defense that stars five players 6’2 or better, and 200 lbs or more, but that’s about all they have over the Canadiens.

Think about this: The Bruins lost all eight games against the Canadiens this season, and the Canadiens scored four or more goals in six of those games—not a great showing from your defense against your first round opponent.

The Bruins have some good pieces here that will help them in years to come (Milan Lucic, Phil Kessel, Dennis Wideman), but this season they’re just simply outmatched.

Montreal in five games

Frank Drebin: I once had to deal with Anna Nicole Smith with a speaking role. Don’t get me wrong, her breasts are impeccable, but I’d rather mount the queen on a dinner table or kiss Mrs. Bush again than put up with that again.

That being said, that’s how the Bruins feel—let them face anyone other than the Canadiens.

Maybe instead of brooms we can start to introduce the vacuum cleaner when a team loses four straight. It’d be suck-tastic.

Montreal in four

2nd Pittsburgh Penguins vs. 7th Ottawa Senators

FD: It must be nice to be the Pittsburgh Penguins—it’s like sleeping in a queen-size bed with two pillows. You don’t like Crosby, then you work with Malkin; you don’t want Malkin then you take Crosby, and if you don’t want either of them…then you flip the pillow over and take either Petr Sykora or watch as Marian Hossa disappears.

Speaking of pillows, Ed offered me sex once—wanted to take me to the red light district for it too. The lesson here? Shaking hands and kissing babies doesn’t get you anywhere anymore. Want to get ahead? Start sleeping with as many people as possible—that’s how Crosby did it.

Pittsburgh in 5

BT: I let Frank go first on this one, because that’s the exact way I feel. Stacking up against each other, I don’t think the Sens compare.

Offensively, the injuries to Mike Fisher and Daniel Alfredsson will (obviously) hurt the Senators as the injury not only takes away two of their more dangerous offensive players, but it also depletes their depth at the Centre position.

Meanwhile, Marian Hossa can underachieve all he wants to on this Pens team, but if Crosby and Malkin come to play, he’ll be overshadowed anyhow.

Defensively the Sens collapsed down the stretch, playing inconsistent and spotty in the defensive zone, while the Penguins seemed to gel, only allowing more than 4 goals four times during March/April.

As far as goaltending goes, I’m not sold for either team. I’ve been adamant about the fact that I think Ray Emery was a flash in the pan last season who needs to get out of the red and white, while Martin Gerber will only ever be truly reliable for a four or five game stretch.

Also, since the World Juniors in 2004, I’ve been waiting for Marc-Andre Fleury to collapse. He’s never seemed to be “the guy” to me (screams overrated) and I’m wary of him in big-time situations. If he ever starts for Canada in the Olympics I may cry myself to sleep each night. As for Ty Conklin though, his regular season was awesome, but if he sees any playoff action this season, how he responds is the real test.

Before making my pick though, I’d like to say something: Despite all of these injuries, and the fact they look outmatched, the Sens still scare me. Yes I was hoping they wouldn’t be in the playoff picture at all, but now that they’re here, we all know that anything could happen. I’m sticking with Pittsburgh on this one, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Ottawa actually made it to the second round.

Pittsburgh in six

3rd Washington Capitals vs. 6th Philadelphia Flyers

BT: The Washington Capitals jumped six spots to be in the playoffs, so they’ve got the momentum heading in. However, will the Flyer’s come “back with a vengeance” all over Alexander Ovechkin?

Hopefully there aren’t enough games in the series for them to do that.

For one, Washington’s defense is much more well rounded than Philly’s. Where the Flyers have guys like Derian Hatcher and Jason Smith (both injured by the way) who specialize in the defensive end, and Kimmo Timonen who can play the offensive game, the Caps have a big, skilled defense core with guys who can play either end of the ice with a little more consistency than the Flyers D-men.

Back to those injuries with the Flyers though, Alexander Ovechkin is imposing enough on his own, but Ovechkin at playoff time? I’m not envying the position that some of these fill-ins are facing.

Up front there are a few more similarities between the two teams. Both have the ability and the players to be able to grind out those tough games, each have experienced players, and each has a healthy dosage of offensive flair, but it will be how Alexander Ovechkin deals with the playoff pressure that determines the tone Washington’s forwards set. I don’t think the NHL poster boy will have a problem though.

In net, I think Philly has the advantage. Both Olaf Kolzig and Christobel Huet are good NHL net minders, but Martin Biron would be my choice of the three, and if he were to get hot (and stymie the Caps all by himself) he could steal this series for the Flyers.

All in all, Alexander the Great’s first playoffs series will be a hard fought one, but successful nonetheless.

Washington wins in 7

FD: If I’m the Philadelphia Flyers, I’m worried. Sure they’ve got a rough and tumble team, but they’re playing against Alexander Ovechkin, who scares me. And I took down a man named Papshmir. Well, we launched a guy with a bomb into the toilet tank of his plane, but still…we had to deal with him at least.

Needless to say, when I watch Ovechkin play, I’m captivated. He could stop my heart the way he stick handles, and more often than not I drop down to my knees and thank God for hockey. No doubt about it though, the way he swings that stick reminds me of my mother.

Washington in 5

4th New Jersey Devils vs. 5th New York Rangers

FD: I never liked New York. Too busy, too many hookers, and not enough cocaine to fill Nordberg’s requests when he’s shut up in the hospital. Maybe I’d like it if it was cheaper, or maybe I wouldn’t be so mad if I hadn’t chased Nordberg there on foot when I thought that he was my son’s father.

Either way, there are a lot of reasons that you could take the New Jersey Devils in this series, but my main one? Sean Avery is crazier than Nordberg, and we’re talking about a guy who wrote a book about how he didn’t kill his wife, but if he were actually going to kill her, here’s how he would do it. Nordberg was a little off his rocker (especially when he left for Detroit halfway through the American Environmental scandal) but Avery is flat-out bonkers.

Rangers in 6, but Police Squad will make an appearance in the apprehension of Sean Avery during the series.

BT: I don’t know why, but I feel like going against Martin Brodeur.

Before you ask, yes I know he won 44 games and was in the top ten for both goals against average and save percentage. And yes, I know he’s Martin Brodeur.

I just have a feeling though.

Maybe I think Scott Gomez is going to come out firing against his old team, or that Chris Drury will suddenly turn it on in the post season, or that the old Jaromir Jagr might still exist.

Maybe Brent Sutter will crack under the pressure of this being his first playoff season or New Jersey’s defense will crack or the 94 goals supplied by Zach Parise, Patrick Elias, Brian Gionta, and John Madden during the regular season will disappear.

Oh who am I kidding, it’s Martin Brodeur.

Devils in 6.

1st Detroit Red Wings vs. 8th Nashville Predators

FD: In boxing you never bet on the white guy. Well in the first two rounds of the NHL playoffs, don’t bet on the Red Wings. You should never go shopping with Zsa Zsa Gabor either—just ask the car how that ends up.

I almost got to go in Joe Louis Arena once though. I was actually looking forward to running over a squid—my pen had broke earlier that day and I wanted to see if I could squeeze out some spare ink—but at the last minute they sent the car out to L.A. instead. Needless to say I’ve used pencils ever since.

Wings in 7…barely

BT: I think Frank’s got it right on this one—sure the Red Wings are the President’s Trophy winners, but has that helped them the past two seasons (ok last season they lost it due to wins)? No.

Sure they have two solid goalies in Chris Osgood and Dominik Hasek. They’re ancient (78 years old combined) but they can get the job done.

They have two bonafide stars in Pavel Datsyuk and Henrik Zetterberg, as well as a solid army of defensemen who were part of a team that only gave up 187 goals this season.

However, they’re going up against a Nashville team that has played them tough each game this season.

That and this team is banged up big time with a lot of nicks and scratches throughout this roster (as well as some injuries that are a little more than nicks and scratches).

The Wings won the season series 6-2, but in four of those games, the Preds lost by only one goal.

Yes the Predators are a younger team with a little bit less experience than the Wings, but they’ve got guys like Jason Arnott who have been there before, as well as a scrappy roster that could surprise a few people—including the Wings.

Predators in 7

2nd San Jose Sharks vs. 7th Calgary Flames

BT: Sharks or Flames….Sharks or Flames….Sharks or Flames!!!!

On one hand, we’ve got one of my favorite captains in the NHL in Jarome Iginla, but on the other there’s the stalwart of an assist-man and a hometown boy (to an extent) in Joe Thornton.

Then there’s the battle of the Fins (fins as in sharks, not the Finnish people—although Miikka is from Finland) past and present, as Evgeni Nabokov will go head-to-head with Miikka Kiprusoff.

Both goalies are capable of stealing series’, both teams have top-line centers that put up the points in bunches (each came within sniffing distance of the century mark for points in a season) and can make their line mates better, as well as deep supporting casts, and the defensive units on each side are capable of putting up points as well as taking the body.

As far as I’m concerned, this is my pick for series of the first round. Sure the numbers are 2 and 7, but I think it’s the closest, hardest-fought series of the first round and it would have made an excellent conference championship.

Hell, it could be even better than the finals, those are the hopes I have for this one.

Sharks in 7, in Triple OT, in a 1-0 win.

FD: Remember Robert Goulet and how he was the bad guy way back in 1991 and how that was really the last thing he ever did that was worthwhile in his movie career? Now look at pictures of him in a mustache. Remember how a lion supposedly mauled him so now he’s dead (in the series)? Well all Mike Keenan is, is Robert Goulet in a skin cap and hair dye. Mystery solved.

As far as the rest of the series goes it will literally be electric. I know they say that latex condoms are superior to rubber, but for your own good, wear rubber. Also, don’t go too large. I once wore a condom that was too large for me and it bunched around my feet and I ended up getting a rash—keep in mind these are the full-body condoms, not those cheap ones for your, uh, you know. Given the choice I’d take rug burn on my thighs over that strange ankle rash.

Flames in 5

3rd Minnesota Wild vs. 6th Colorado Avalanche

BT: I’m not going to lie; I thought these teams had faced each other a lot more than just once in the postseason. Doesn’t this seem like a playoff rivalry that you should see year after year?

In a lot of ways, it’s kind of a changing of the guard. Joe Sakic was out most of the year, as well as Peter Forsberg just kind of relaxing in Sweden until the last two months of the season, leaving the Paul Statsny’s and the Wojtek Wolski’s to push the Avs to the playoffs.

Meanwhile, the Minnesota Wild got a few huge years out of their top players. Marian Gaborik bounced back this season (42 goals, 41 assists) after a down year (57 points) in 2007, while Pierre-Marc Bouchard notched a franchise-record 50 assists in a season, and Mikko Koivu continued to show some of his offensive potential.

Now, especially with the addition of Adam Foote, the Avalanche have a lot of playoff experience up and down their roster: Sakic, Foote, Forsberg, Ryan Smyth, Milan Hejduk, and Ruslan Salei.

However, Colorado is a much different team now that those players are nearing the down sides of their careers, and the Wild’s speed and physicality could pose problems for the Avalanche.

Sorry Avs fans, looks like the Wild will roll over the Avalanche for their second straight playoff meeting.

Wild in 5

FD: Here’s something that people forget—Chris Simon plays in Minnesota. What happens if, at some point, he and Chris Pronger meet up with each other in the playoffs? It’ll be an orgy….of feet. Which is almost as bad as having Weird Al in all three of your movies.

While we’re on this topic, I also have to wonder if anyone in the NHL has ever assaulted anyone with a concrete dildo. I was wrongly accused of it when I fell through that lady’s window (she didn’t even offer me a drink), but I’m sure that, if used properly, it could be a dangerous weapon.

Avalanche in 6, only because we'll have arrested Simon by game 4 and he'll have caused a riot in his jail cell with Sean Avery over the proper serving temperature of Chateau le Blanc '68.

4th Anaheim Ducks vs. 5th Dallas Stars

BT: Last year the knock on Marty Turco was that he couldn’t win in the playoffs. Granted he didn’t get his team out of the first round, but there isn’t much else he could have done: Three shutouts, eleven goals on 229 shots, and a 1.30 save-percentage and his team couldn’t win him one game? I mean they lost two games against Vancouver 2-1 (one in overtime), so I thoroughly believe that the Dallas Stars missed a great opportunity to ride a hot goalie last season.

That said; do the Stars have enough to overcome the defending Stanley Cup champions?

Well, first of all, the Ducks are in a great position to repeat. Their GM (Brian Burke) has done some witchcraft with the cap, and the Ducks have four All-Star top four defensemen, an exceptional (when compared to other fifth d-men around the league) fifth guy in Sean O’Donnell, and three quality guys to fill out the back end.

Then there’s the offense, which gained a rested Teemu Selanne and a hungry Doug Weight, and they could also stand to regain Corey Perry once he gets healthy again while youth, talent, and aggression is sprinkled throughout the rest of the roster, all playing ahead of a lock-down NHL playoff goalie in J.S. Giguere.

For Dallas, they’ll need their key guys: Brad Richards, Brendan Morrow, and Mike Ribeiro to be at their best, while Mike Modano has an opportunity to either prove he has something left in the tank, or that he’s prepared to hand the reigns on down the line, while their defense will have to step up and take the hot-headed Ducks on full force.

The Stars will put up a fight in another seven game series, but unless their key guys do what they’re paid to, they won’t get out of the first round.

Ducks in 7

FD: A man never backs down from a challenge. That said, if I were to assume that this series goes 6 games, entering the seventh tied at three, and Hurricane Andrew were to strike, leaving the teams even, then I didn’t back down. Not at all. So long as that’s what we tell the public.

That being said, if the Anaheim Ducks are going down, they need to change their name. There are manly ways to die (a parachute not opening, getting caught in a combine, or having your nuts bitten off by a Laplander), and there are manly names you can die with, and the Anaheim Ducks is not a name that 23 guys want to go down representing. What about the Anaheim Drebin’s? Wait…too manly.

Stars in 6

BT: Frank, thanks a lot for coming out. If you want, the final word is yours.

FD: Well, the playoffs are going to blow this party sky high and it’ll be a tragedy unless it’s during a dance number—which really only limits it to that 20 minutes in-between periods.

Oh, and never fire the gun while you’re talking—it makes it difficult to hear you.

Bryan Thiel is a Senior Writer and NHL Community Leader for Bleacher Report. Frank Drebin is a cop in the Naked Gun movie series portrayed by one of the best comedic actors ever—Leslie Nielsen.