Why My Redskins Do the Things They Do by Dan Snyder

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Why My Redskins Do the Things They Do by Dan Snyder
(Photo by Al Messerschmidt/Getty Images)

"Stop spending so much in free agency."

"Build through the draft."

"Select trench guys in the draft."

"Hire a real GM."

Wah, wah, wah.

Critics are like kickers. Every team has one, and they all stink!

Well, I wouldn't really know since I go No. 1 during special teams plays, but Vinny assures me all team's kickers aren't better than Swishy.

With the NFL Draft coming around the corner (when she comes!), I figured I'd use this time to explain to the world why I run the Redskins like I do. Yes, people, there is a method to this whole football thingy.

Let's start with free agency. Free agency is awesome. Plain and simple. SportsCenter doesn't go into breaking news when you select a fourth-round pick, do they? No, really, do they? I'm always vacationing in France during April.

So yeah, free agency is awesome. It's like being back in mergers and acquisitions. That's how I made so much money in communications. I acquire other people's assets. The same in football.

If I want Albert Haynesworth, well, I go get him. If I want a hot-shot defensive coordinator like Ray Rhodes, Marvin Lewis or Greg Blache, I go get him. Brings me to a funny story.

So I'm at this posh Manhattan club totally looking sweet and this chick was totally into me. The music was loud so I totally had some fun with her.

Me: Ask me a question
Chick: What do you do?
Me: I'm into...well murders and executions mostly.
Chick: Do you like it?
Me: It depends, why?
Chick: Because most guys I know who work with mergers and acquisitions really don't like it.

LOL! Can you believe she thought I said "mergers and acquisitions?!" What a maroon.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah, free agency. It's fab. I get to fly all these big-name football players (I know, right!) around in my jet, wine them, dine them and then pay them to join my team. Same recipe worked with my wife, Tanya.

I took her to a nice dinner in Tuscany (The one in Italy. High five!) and then we talked numbers and before midnight she agreed to a signing bonus, a contract and bam, we're under the chuppa a month later.

Plus, in free agency you already know what a player brings to the table. Think about how many draft picks don't work out. I can name a few right off the back. Do the names Devin Thomas, Malcolm Kelly, Taylor Jacobs, Cliff Russell or Michael Westbrook mean anything to you?

And those are just some, crap, what are they called again? You know, the guys who catch those things? Anyway, you know what I'm talking about. The draft is a total crapshoot. It's a roller coaster.

Speaking of roller coasters. Six Flags has great spring and summer specials going on this year. Take the whole family and I promise it will be cheaper than one Yankee Stadium seat. Boo-yah!

So you can probably pick up what I'm putting down when it comes to free agency. It's hellasweet in all ways. Just wait until Haynesworth sacks Tony Romo at FedEx Field in December.

Even the people in obstructed-view seating will hear the crunch! Me and Vinny fist bump every time one of my murders and acquisitions (LOL x 2!) does something good on the field.

As for the draft, you can probably gather why I don't care for it. Who wants to deal with college-age kids? I hated college. Fraternities suck and the bar scene? Totally lame.

Give me a good PowerPoint presentation on an investment firm's bottom line and I"m one happy camper.

Plus, with college kids you have to worry about whether their stats are inflated because of inferior competition and you don't have as much information on stuff like injuries, mental makeup and who their favorite character from The Departed is. Mine's Mr. French, because he hates cranberry juice as much as I do.

Not just that, what if a team takes the guy you want? Then what do you do? That sort of crap pisses me off. I just know a team like the Jaguars or Broncos is going to try and take Mark Sanchez before I can. I know it.

And that brings me to another point. So many people tell me over and over to draft linemen. They don't even care what type anymore. They just want the big, gross guys. Ask me, they're all morons.

They tell me linemen are safe picks. Oh yeah? Robert Gallery ring a bell? Tony Mandarich? Courtney Brown? Safe picks, my tuchus. You know what a safe pick is IMO? Mark Sanchez!

You know why? He loves lamb chops. Guess what? I love lamb chops too! I already friended him on Facebook, mentioned him in a status update and commented on like five of his photos. Cool dude, methinks.

Picking skill guys is really the way to go. Think about it. If we didn't pick skill guys so often, we wouldn't have Chris Cooley on the team. That's a world I don't want to live in, do you?

As for Vinny, why would anybody want to replace him with a general manager? Those guys are such a drag. Vinny, meanwhile, knows just what I like. It's like when I get on my private plane, Redskins One, and the stewardess gives Terra Blue Chips.

I get so happy!

One time I had to fly commersh to New York and I took this airline called JetBlew (LOL!) and they gave me Terra Blue Chips. Potato chips! On a plane! And it was a morning flight!

Now I always have R1 stocked with Terra Blue Chips even though blue is the color of the Giants. Point is, Cindy (the stewardess) knows how much I like them. That's how Vinny is, he knows who I like to play for my team.

I'll leave you with some quick hits before I skedaddle back to the French Riviera (it's sweater weather still, which stinks!).

On Joe Gibbs: He's so lame in person, always talking about religion. I wanted him to talk about Ricky Sanders, and he's like, "Dan, Ricky was a good receiver, but we really need to examine the offensive line in this draft." Grrrrr!

On Clinton Portis: LOLOLOLOLOLOL

On Jim Zorn: He's OK

On Jason Campbell: He's OK too, I guess.

On Mike Shanahan: Super cool guy. Jerry Jones has his eyes on him too so we're going to be super aggressive when it comes time to hire him. Oops! I mean, when we're looking for a coach at the end of the...Oops! I mean, we love Jim Zorn here. 

That's all I have. I'l try and write a little something after the draft but I may be too busy. Ciao.

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