Jay Cutler's Real Reasons Behind Trade Demands Are Revealed! (HUMOR)

Matt CullenAnalyst IMarch 30, 2009

CHARLOTTE, NC - DECEMBER 14:  Jay Cutler #6 of the Denver Broncos walks off the field after the Carolina Panthers defeated them 30-10 during their game at Bank of America Stadium on December 14, 2008 in Charlotte, North Carolina  (Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)

The Jay Cutler story has caused much debate between sports fans. Who is to blame? Cutler? McDaniels?

I fall under the roof of those (And have even written about it already.) that believe that Jay Cutler is being childish and should have gotten over the trade talks long ago.

I may need to issue an apology to Mr. Cutler though because I have recently discovered other factors leading to the persistent demands for a trade. Perhaps there was a lot more going around in Jay Cutler's head than meets the eye.

Special thanks to Bob Woodward, Carl Bernstein, and Selena Roberts for digging a little deeper and uncovering the real reasons behind the Jay Cutler trade demands. Here are the 10 reasons:


10. South Park Season 11 Episode 13

After breaking 100,000 points on Guitar Hero, Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflosky are contacted by an agent and later find themselves at the Playboy Mansion where they are introduced to Jay Cutler. Stan Marsh greets Jay by saying 'Nice to meet you, I mean you kind of suck but my dad says you might be good some day.'

Obviously meant to be a joke but Jay Cutler knows that this may still be the attitude of some lazy Broncos still clinging to the past. (John Elway) They realize that Jay Cutler has talent, but they don't believe he has harnessed and in his mind they may not ever give him a fair shake at it.

The only way to escape the Ghost of John Elway may just be to leave the Broncos.

If there is any justice though for Jay, Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflosky will be back at the Playboy Mansion in Season 18 except this time they will be introduced to John Elway and Stan will say 'Nice to meet you, I mean, Jay Cutler has kind of put your resume to shame but my dad said you were still very good in your day.'


9. Encounter with Phillips Rivers the day the potential trade story was broken

Once Jay Cutler heard the news watching TV at a bar, he galloped to the restroom like only a great Bronco would do and locked himself in a stall to cry.

After nearly four hours, Jay finally felt good enough to open the stall and walk out only to see Phillip Rivers washing his hands. Phillip smiled seeing Jay Cutler via mirror and mentioned the trade talks involving Cutler.

Cutler face turned bright red and retorted by calling Phillip Rivers a 'big meanie.' Rivers chuckled and then proceeded to give Jay Cutler a swirlie before saying that there would be more where that came from.

In an attempt to finally avoid the wrath of Phillip Rivers both on and off the field, Cutler is now demanding a trade to get at the very least out of the AFC West if not out of the AFC entirely.


8. Jay Cutler is a racist

On Nov. 6, 2008, Jay Cutler threw a game-winning TD pass to Brandon Marshall with just over a minute left in the game against the Cleveland Browns in a Thursday Night Game.

Marshall planned a celebration where he would put on a black-and-white glove to honor racial progress in the United States, with Barack Obama having just been elected President of the United States.

Brandon Stokely may have stopped Marshall from putting on the glove to prevent the celebration and a possible 15 yard penalty but the intent was still there.

Cutler, a racist, was disgusted by the action and had been pleading within management to trade the wide receiver. His recent demand for a trade may not be as much about him having been on the trading block but about Brandon Marshall NOT being on the trading block.


7. The Brady Rule

Ok, I know what you were thinking, Cutler has been demanding a trade since before the Brady Rule and why does it apply anyway?

Jay Cutler may have been asking for a trade before the Brady Rule but the rule now plays a part in why Jay Cutler still won't let it be resolved. The rule itself he loves but he is angry with the name anointed by the public.

Goshdarnnit, it should be the Jay Cutler Rule!!! The NFL made this rule not so much to protect all of the QBs in the league but mostly to protect Jay Cutler, the darling of the league. The man with a stronger arm than John Elway, and the fact that the public is associating this with Tom Brady is insulting.

Now how is a trade going to get people to call it the Jay Cutler Rule? Well it won't of course but remember that Jay Cutler is childish, irrational, and feeling very under-appreciated right about now so he is demanding a change of scenery.


6. The Offseason Acquisitions to bolster Denver's secondary

A big reason why many give Jay Cutler a pass for his awe-inspiring 17-20 career record as a starting QB is the Denver Broncos defense or lack thereof.

This offseson, the Denver Broncos have signed Brian Dawkins and Renaldo Hill to bolster the secondary. Does this make the Broncos' defense good? Unlikely, but Jay Cutler got very worried when this happened that he may start to get less of a break if the team crumbles in December again.

This is why Jay Cutler is demanding a trade, so he can perform with an excuse to fall back on. (Detroit Lions?)


5. Movie Rental Confusion

Jay Cutler went to his local video store to rent Sex and the City: The Movie on DVD, it was late at night normally past Jay Cutler's bed-time so it was easy to see why he looked at the movie The Women on the new release wall with a bunch of women on the cover and thought it was Sex and the City: The Movie.

Jay Cutler was appalled at the abomination that is The Women and when he first spoke to his new head coach on the phone for the first time, told him the horrible mistake. McDaniels assumed that Cutler was joking and started cracking up while on the phone with Jay.

Cutler was stunned, did Josh McDaniels not realizing that he was laughing at a Pro Bowl QB??? A 32-year-old rookie head coach that chooses to laugh at his Pro Bowl QB does not deserve that Pro Bowl QB. And that is why Jay Cutler must find a new home and a new coach that he can tell things like that without being laughed at.


4. The Oakland Raiders

The reason why the Oakland Raiders have been abysmal for so long has little to do with management and a heck of a lot more to do with JAY FREAKING CUTLER. Can you imagine just how much in shambles the Dallas Cowboys would be if Jay Cutler had landed on the Washington Redskins?

The reason why the Oakland Raiders have been pitiful lately is not because they are run by a crazy man that rubs his own poop on the wall with his fingers but because they have to face Jay Cutler twice a year. Nobody seems to get it though but Jay himself.

The only way for people to really appreciate just how amazing Jay is, is to get him out of the AFC West. That way he can play against three division rivals that are not run by crazy old men and people will no longer be blinded from the truth.


3. The Octuplets

In late January, a Southern California women gave birth to eight babies; yes that's right, eight babies.

Eight babies? Octuplets? Eight children to take care of? Is she Mormon? Really, eight babies???

Jay doesn't know nor does he want to but we can all agree that eight babies is ridiculous and has everything to do with why Jay Cutler wants to be traded from the Denver Broncos.


2. More John Elway

2007-2008 was the senior season for Jack Elway (John's son) at Cherry Creek High School. Elway was the starting QB for his high school and during the final home game, Jay Cutler tracked down his father at the game and challenged him to see who could throw the ball farther.

John just chuckled as did all of the outsiders that heard.

I don't know who John Elway thinks he is, but Jay Cutler know who he is. He's Jay Cutler, he has a stronger arm and he doesn't make jokes, he makes jokes out of whomever his nemesis may be that day.

Thanks to John Elway's inappropriate reaction, Jay Cutler no longer wants anything to do with the franchise that made John Elway what he is today.


1. Jay Cutler is childish

I know, seemed like I wasn't going to go down this road but it really does start and end here and Selena Roberts was persistent that this part was not left out. Even the original reasons mentioned suggest that Jay Cutler is indeed childish. (Except for the Octuplets, eight babies is just ridiculous.)

What it comes down to is Jay Cutler's inability to let this go, when Donovan McNabb was benched for Kevin Kolb he showed Andy Reid on the field why it was a foolish move and took his anger out that way.

McNabb was angry, I think he still might be a little even but he has been able to succeed anyway. Jay Cutler's mental toughness right now seems to be as far away from Donovan's and other elite QB's as humanly possible.

A rational person would have put this behind him and at least given Josh McDaniels a chance but Jay Cutler is not a rational person. After the media's darling Brett Favre retired, I wondered where I would find my new QB to hate and root against week in and week out.

Jay, it may be premature but I am going to say it anyway and you will likely never be compared to this future HOF QB anyway so you might as well listen up; You may just be my new Brett Favre. I've said enough on you for now at least.


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