NFL Introduces New Rules to Maintain Parity During the 2009/10 Season (Satire)

Fahad ZaidiCorrespondent IMarch 29, 2009

The first week of the '08/'09 NFL season left many patriot fans gasping for air when Bernard Pollard struck the beloved golden boy of the Patriots, Tom Brady, and ending his season right then and there

Although this angered and hurt many Patriot hopefuls, it gave other teams in the AFC East a chance to win the division now that Brady wasn’t there to lead the Patriots to another Division title.

With the 2009/10 season just around the corner, the NFL has decided to introduce a new set of new rules in order to keep the Patriots offensive threshold in check and helping other inferior teams like the Jets, Bills, Dolphins, and…did I mention the Jets already?

Here are the rules that the NFL wants enforced during the 09/10 season:

Rule No. 1: For every yard the Patriots gain, they will lose half a yard.

Rule No. 2: The Patriots must dress at least three punters for all games, otherwise they will be fined.

Rule No. 3: The Patriots must go a two-point conversion every time they score. If the attempt fails, they will not get any points and the opposing team will get the ball on the Patriots' two yard line.

Rule No. 4: Tom Brady must announce to the other team the play they are about to run and not call any audible.

Rule No. 5: The Patriots may not ever be down by less than a touchdown with two minutes left in the game. Brady having the ball with two minutes to go just isn’t fair to the opposing team

Rule No. 6: In order to win, the Patriots must score at least three more touchdowns than their opponent. If it’s a divisional game, they must score five more touchdowns than their opponent.

Rule No. 7: Randy Moss must play every game with one hand tied behind his back (probably won't make a difference).

Rule No. 8: Bill Belichick must not deface any NFL apparel (i.e. cut the sleeves off hoodies). This will result in a five game suspension and a hefty fine.

And last but not least,

Rule No. 9: Tom Brady may not date (or marry) anyone better looking than the opposing team’s head coach’s wife.