Everybody hates you. Well, except us, if you come here. We're all pretty offended that you reportedly picked up your player option just because you didn't want to play for us. But this is Hollywood, baby, where celebrities do ungodly, sinful things and cause more drama than every other city on the planet combined.
Yeah, you got your coach fired, then passive-aggressively denied it. Yeah, you had your sights set on Jay-Z and Brooklyn. Yeah, you didn't want to play for the greatest basketball franchise in history and follow a long line of great Laker big men for this petty reason.
We know your ego is so big that another reason you didn't want to come here is that you wanted to be the center of attention. We know that you're the type of selfish player that would allow this summer to become worse than LeBron James' "Decision". We know that Andrew Bynum might end up being better than you in a year or two.
Some believe he might already be.
I've been critical of you, Dwight. But I applaud your turn-around, the reports that say that you're ready to re-up with the Lakers if they trade for you. Even if it is only for how long the likes of Kobe Bryant, Pau Gasol, and Steve Nash are staying in LA.
People want to marvel at your huge shoulders, but I'm not surprised, Superman. You can build some good muscle by carrying around the carcasses of Hedo Turkoglu's contract and Jason Richardson for so many years.
You've never had a good team in your life. The last time you made the Finals, which was against Kobe's Lakers, by the way, your second-best guy was Jameer Nelson on one ankle.
In Los Angeles, no one will pick nits at your game. No one will notice because there are literally no two better guys in the league to mask you two greatest weaknesses.
Now you'll play with Steve Nash, who will mask all your low-post deficiencies and enhance what moves you have. Heck, just ask your former back-up, Marcin Gortat, who went from averaging 3.6 points-per-game to 15.0.
You'll also play with Kobe Bryant, who made a career out of masking Shaquille O'Neal's inability to hit free throws in the last two minutes by becoming the clutch assassin known as the Black Mamba.
The wave of veterans smelling the title are already coming in. Antawn Jamison just signed with us for pennies on the dollar.
The world loves talking about super-teams, like the Miami Heat. You'd be the center of attention of one in Los Angeles if you get traded and re-sign here.
A faithful Laker fan
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